Continue reading “Flies On Washington Walls #130” →
Flies On Washington Walls #130
Tag: humor
In a Jam Over Jelly
Yesterday, my wife was grousing about not enough grape jelly being left in the jar to make her peanut butter & jelly sandwich. I made the mistake of pointing out that there were other jelly flavors in the refrigerator. I guess “ew” is my wife’s official positions on jelly flavors other than grape. I made the mistake of offering up yet another suggestion, this time to scrape out the grape jelly accumulated right under the rim. Apparently, the under-the-rim jelly is gross, even though it is grape. I pressed my luck and suggested to my wife that she is a food elitist. She mentioned that she is not the person in the house that has eaten from the garbage, not so subtly suggesting that would be me. She’s right about me and garbage food, but I also think she proved my point that she’s the food elitist. Garbage is one of my favorite food groups. “You aren’t going to throw that out” is my favorite line at home. Well, she is at least as much of a food elitist as anyone can be who eats peanut butter & jelly sandwiches.
My Fave Faves – Condensed Album Edition
I killed the blog series I called My Fave Faves as quickly as I started it once I realized that even I didn’t care about what I was writing. But thanks to my oldest son, it is back for a curtain call in a slightly different form. My son is part of creating a music podcast called Ear Buds.
I was featured on the 4th episode with my review of a Dan Auerbach (of the Black Keys) song called King of a One Horse Town. Spoiler Alert: Loved it! If you have iTunes, you can access that podcast through this LINK. Choose podcast #31 (which is really #4) called My Dad Is Not A Twitter Bot and you can access my song review at the 8:10 mark, which also happens to be my son’s name. Mark, not 8:10, although Mark 8:10 sounds very New Testamenty and religious. If you listen to the podcast, you will hear that my reviews were supposed to be a recurring feature. At my son’s request, I did write one more for a Greta Van Fleet song. Never aired. They lied. I’m as upset about that as an old man ordering salad at a restaurant that serves chunkless, runny blue cheese salad dressing. Gross. Gotta’ have chunks.
Recently, my son asked me for 3 to 5 of my favorite all-time albums, and not greatest hits collections. That was not going to be possible. I could not help him out. Why?
Mite Be Funny #91
Reality Trumps Fantasy
I really enjoy playing fantasy football. Over the past 28 or so years of participating, I have won more than I’ve lost. I wanted a win badly on Tuesday. I got it, but not from the Stoned Back Tattoos in my family’s fantasy football league.
No, my Roger Stone-inspired team took another loss. The win I am talking about on Tuesday was this …
420 Reasons JB is OK
As a Democratic Precinct Committeeperson, I worked for the election of billionaire JB Pritzker as Governor of Illinois. He won. I received no monetary remuneration for my work, despite the whole billionaire thing. I did get some tickets to go see President Obama speak last week, courtesy of the JB Pritzker campaign.
It was a 3PM rally with doors opening at 1:30PM. I didn’t need to sit close. I figured I would stroll in about 2:55PM and sit in an upper deck seat. Nope. It was suggested to me that I best be in line at noon … in the cold … in the rain … with my 10 year old, because of this fine print …
Flies On Washington Walls #129
Cat Voting is not a Feliney
I see that my oldest daughter’s cat has voted …
I don’t know about you, but ever since the 34th Amendment to the Constitution was ratified allowing cats to vote, I’ve had a problem with it.
I think it is a categorically cataclysmic catastrophe that really gives me paws to reflect. Sorry about the catatonic-inducing, catty catchphrases and caterwauling. It was not even that cathartic, although definitely catachrestic.
Poop Tweet > Blog Post
A recent blog post from here got some traction on Twitter and garnered hundreds of views for this blog. Maybe it was the picture I used.
Regardless, hundreds of views and ZERO “Likes” on Twitter. Zero as in nothing. Zero as in less than one, and one is the loneliest number. Zero as in zed for our Canadian readers. Take off, eh!
The post took more time than my usual word diarrhea that I hurl at this screen almost daily like feces from my monkey cage that I call my office. I actually gave it a little thought. And yet, it remains wildly unlikable on Twitter and here.
But then I tweeted this innocuous, throwaway, insignificant response to a tweet from someone I follow …
Mite Be Funny #90 – Special Post-Halloween Multi-Panel Edition
School Daze, Dog Days & Cold Ways
Our puppy and I walk my 10 year old daughter to school each morning, most days with a friend or two tagging along. Yesterday morning, we had one of my daughter’s friends with us. Another neighbor drove up next to us, stopped, rolled her window down, and asked, “Walking to school?” I knew that if I answered, I risked upsetting the positive neighborhood feng shui with a smartass reply. I let my daughter’s friend reply while I waved and bit my tongue until I tasted blood.
As we walked further, I noticed that it has really gotten cold in the mornings.
How cold is it, you ask?
It is so cold that I hope our puppy poops multiple times along the way so I can pick it up and hold the poop bag to warm my hands.
Stoned Fantasy
My Tired Winners family fantasy football team got back to its losing ways last weekend. Whew! The pressure of winning was unbearable and exhausting. I was loathe to abandon my Tired Winners logo. It suited me so well, at least the tired part.
But it was time to move on and a new target has recently emerged in the Russian investigation concerning Trump world. That target is GOP dirty trickster and former Trump adviser Roger Stone. To me, a logical team name appeared to be the Stoned Pinheads with one of these pics as a logo.
But I did not want to disparage pinheads, so I discarded the pinhead concept and considered this Roger Stone pic for inspiration.
Trump Circus Visits Another Holiday Inn
Hmmm, what is it about Holiday Inns and Trump circus events recently? Steve Bannon performed his white nationalist act to an almost empty Holiday Inn in Topeka, Kansas recently. And now 2 pro-Trump, anti-Mueller clowns performed their disappearing victim magic trick at a Holiday Inn in DC.
Meet Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman, GOP operatives, if by operatives, I mean morons.
On the left, Jacob Wohl is a 20-year-old disgraced former hedge fund manager who earned a lifetime ban on futures trading and has since turned himself into a Trump-supporting conspiracy theorist online. On the right, Jack Burkman held a press conference with his pants fly open.
They were there to present a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of Russia Special Counsel Robert Mueller, a very serious charge.
- Except the victim did not appear.
- Except the firm leading the investigation has a phone number that goes to Jacob Wohl’s mom’s cell phone. (Wohl to mom, “Mom, I hate you. You know you are supposed to answer your phone as Surefire Intelligence.”)
- Except Surefire Intelligence’s website shows fake employees with stock photos.
- Except there is evidence that Robert Mueller was somewhere else the day of the alleged assault.
- Except there was a Trump Rat Truck in the parking lot visible from the window of the press conference room.
Wait, what?
When Has-Bens Become Have-Not-Bens
I’m really going to miss these guys …
Steve Bannon’s Halloween Nightmare
It wasn’t too long ago that former Trump adviser Steve Bannon had thoughts of using his lofty position in the Trump Administration as a possible jumping off spot for a future run at the presidency. He did have the ear of the most powerful and moronic man in the world, Donald Trump.
And then, just like that, Bannon was gone from the Trump Administration. And last night, on All Hallows’ Eve Eve, Steve Bannon found himself facing his worst Halloween nightmare here …
Meet Jeff Fortenberry *stifled chuckle*
Jeff Fortenberry is a member of the House of Representatives from the state of Nebraska. And he’s got a funny name. You know how you want to say his last name. Go ahead, say it. I know you just said it. It is funny, isn’t it? But you know what’s not funny? Violence and vandalism. See Jeff’s tweet below.
Except, when it looks like this …
Fantasy Exhaustion
Last week, my family league’s fantasy football team’s perfect record was finally blemished. I should have expected nothing less than a blemished record from the Manfart’s Mugshots.
That’s right, my team, under the name Manafart’s Mugshots, finally won. My streak of losses to start the season has been broken. Too bad it was a win against my liberal niece from Colorado and not against one of my Trump-loving relatives.
I have changed the team name almost every week except for the week that I kept the Baby Blimps around for an extra one because of what I received in the mail. Spoiler alert – not a pipe bomb. Now where do we go from here for the team name and logo?
Inspired once again by Donald Trump and the promises he has made, I present to you …
Sticker Shock II
If this is Sticker Shock II, should I rename my first post from earlier today as Sticker Shock I? I did not. Anyway, they have identified the bomber as Cesar Sayoc Jr.
If there is a Cesar Sayoc Sr., I am sure he is so proud. But not about his son’s bombmaking skills. Thankfully, none have detonated. I’m guessing he took his bombmaking course at Trump University.
I hear that as late as 2012, he lived with his mother. That’s always either noble or weird for a 50 year old guy living with his mom. And he was working for a travelling male dance review. If I had to make the choice about living with his mom, I’m going to lean towards weird after hearing about his job.
I checked the genealogy of the Sayoc name. It appears that he is likely Filipino. Does that rule him out as a ‘white’ male? Will Trump vow to stop the caravan of migrants from the Philippines? Does Trump know the Philippines are not in Central America?
We now have a closer look at the van …
Sticker Shock
Thank God they arrested someone in connection with the recent attempted pipe bombings. I hear he was a white male in his 50’s.
Here is a picture of the man’s van that has also been taken away.
Emasculation Anticipation
My brother-in-law came over to my house this last weekend to emasculate me. No, not purposely, and not literally, but definitely figuratively. He’s a great guy that actually donated a kidney to another one of my brother-in-laws. We definitely wanted him to come over. He is a retired carpenter that we have hired to do many manly carpentry-based jobs over the years. Now, we wanted him to install a floor in our family room. That’s where my emasculation comes in.
It’s not like I couldn’t install the floor in our family room. I just didn’t want to. I installed our basement floor by myself. It worked out okay, although I do encourage people to avoid walking on the floor. I prepped our family room floor by removing carpet, padding, trim, staples, and old leveling compound from the floor. I added new leveler and sanded as needed. I did a lot of demo and prep work, but that is nothing compared to laying floor planks down. That’s real man’s work, and I would not be doing it. Let my emasculation begin!
Even worse, I would have to hang around the house to ‘assist’ my brother-in-law in various ways. I imagined some of them to include:
- Get him beverages.
- Get him snacks.
- Bring him tools.
- Be embarrassed when he asks to borrow a tool from me that I should have because I’m a guy, but don’t.
- Say how nice his handiwork looks.
But no, no, no. That didn’t happen, thanks to this beauty …
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 