Republicans Saved Me From Embarrassment

I had a morning coffee meeting with a local Republican government official this week. It was a beautiful morning, clear and crisp, so I decided to bike there. There was only one big problem … my masks are in my car. I was halfway there when I realized that I was maskless, and Illinois has an indoor mask mandate. Uh-oh. I began to consider what my Plan B and Plan C would be.

I decided Plan B would be for me to signal to my meeting buddy to come outside, order for me, and we’ll sit outside. Except, I couldn’t recall exactly what he looked like. That could be a problem. I knew he was an older white male. Shocker for a Republican.

Anyway, I felt like I needed a Plan C. It turned out to be this …

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Working the Bugs Out

I was cool with the tracking microchips in the COVID vaccine, just in case I wander off and get lost. But the aluminum aliens in the vaccine reported in a recent blog post proved too much for me. I thought it was maybe a random crazy story, which of course I blogged about as fact, but there’s even more reporting on it here.

In addition to running TruNews, which appears to be banned from most social media for some reason, Rick Wiles is an evangelical pastor! They’re not allowed to lie, right? Sure, he wants $100 million to build an end-times media empire, but who can blame him? I’d build an end-times media empire, too, if someone wanted to give me $100 million.

Anyhoo, something had to go. I know aluminum is non-magnetic, so I thought I’d focus on the microchip rather than the aluminum alien. I had seen videos of people becoming magnetized from the vaccine, so I figured that the microchips were probably the source of the magnetism. In order to find the magnetic microchip, I put spinach on my vaccinated arm. Why spinach? Duh, spinach is high in iron, and iron is magnetic. I shook my arm, and I decided the microchip was probably located in my arm where a leaf stayed (magnetically, I assume) stuck to my arm. All sounds logical, right?

My next step was to find a doctor who was an open thinker like me and willing to remove my microchip.

The operation was a success, and this is what my arm is sporting today.

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Riding the Weight Loss Rollercoaster

I’m very late reporting on my weight loss trials and travails for September. I shouldn’t be late with these weight loss posts as they are my most popular posts on this blog. I think it’s because despite differences in politics, religion, etc., we all share the same struggle with weight control, except for those naturally skinny people with self control who never have to exercise. Oh, I hate them so much. Anyway, here we go, better late than never.

When I last posted about weight, I was 3 lbs below my goal weight at the end of August. Success, right? Well, not exactly. September turned cool, my swimming stopped, and my body started to get ready for a winter hibernation by eating everything in sight. I immediately re-reached my goal weight from the opposite direction and shot up above it by several pounds. That’s just how my body works. It doesn’t matter that my steps were strong again in September.

Geez, wouldn’t you think I would make a little extra effort to average 10K steps? Anyway, my body’s metabolism just slows down in cooler weather, maybe to get ready for my winter hibernation? I would be willing to give hibernation a try as I like long naps. Fortunately, the weather warmed again and some of the weight came off. Right at the end of September, my weight had come down to below my goal weight again, but seemed to be heading up. I waited to see what would happen. Well, here’s what happened.

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Mad for Ads

Well, I warned you that I was considering adding ads to this trainwreck of a blog, and I finally did it yesterday. I was excited to see what advertisers would be bidding big money to get an ad on my blog. Here was the first I saw.

Oh, sure, how interesting. You know, I was considering getting myself a new CDP, whatever the hell that is. So, I had to click the ad to find out. Here’s what I found.

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Spot On

I saw my dermatologist for one of my biannual check-ups so she can check out all my suspect spots that have developed over the past six months. As a skin cancer survivor, I take it very seriously, which is great to write about in a humor blog. Anyway, there were a few spots that concerned me. The good news is that my dermatologist dismissed almost all of them as AKs (precancers that she freezes off), SKs (harmless growths that I freeze or chemically burn off), and Special Ks. No, wait, that last one was my breakfast cereal.

But there was that one spot on my arm that neither one of us liked. We consulted with each other and agreed to take a biopsy. Fortunately, she thought it looked no worse than a basal cell carcinoma, the least dangerous of the skin cancers. And she appeared very impressed with the sebaceous cyst I lanced and drained myself. But then she dropped the news that may change the future course of my life.

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Dumbest. Protests. Ever.

On 2 of the last 3 weekends, I have participated in dumb political rallies & marches. Three weekends ago, I spent untold seconds working on a sign, gathered with others on one of our local bridges, and rallied support to …

Voting rights. Of all things, freakin’ voting rights, guaranteed under the Constitution. Isn’t that the dumbest thing to have to rally for? Sure, we got some support, waves, and honks. But we also got plenty of thumbs down and middle fingers. How are they against voting rights? One guy with a bunch of cameras hanging around his neck (btw, who does that anymore when phones take such excellent pics?) loped past me mouth-breathing and muttering under his breath. As he passed my sign, he sputtered, “Protect the Constitution.” I politely reminded him that voting rights were protected by the Constitution and amendments to it. And then he was off. He told me that the voting rights bills that Democrats were trying to get passed into law would allow illegal aliens to vote. I assured him that neither of the main voting rights bills being considered would allow that and suggested he read the bills. He replied, “F#@%in’ Democrats.” That’s typically how it goes. Present the opposition with facts, and the obscenities start to fly.

One other interaction stood out. As a car drove by, the driver leaned out the window and yelled, “F#@%in’ Jews.” Profane and racist. Nice combo. If we were Jews, he needs to be more careful. Doesn’t he listen to fellow conservative conspiracy crackpot Marjorie Taylor Greene with her theory about Jews having space lasers that she claims started California wildfires? Maybe those space lasers can be focused to incinerate a passing car spewing obscenities. All I need to do is give my buddy George Soros a call to get some space laser action sent my way.

That rally was dumb enough. But then this past weekend, we rallied and marched for …

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Find Yourself

Let’s face it, we’ve all partied a bit too hard and had bad “days after,” but maybe not this bad.

I love the details in the story about how he “found” himself.

“At some point, volunteers began shouting his name. Mutlu became confused and asked who they were looking for, Turkish channel news channel NTV reported. “I am here,” he reportedly told them.”

I hope that someday I will become as self-aware as Mutlu and be able to find myself.

Ban Beards, not Music

I was dismayed when a friend texted me that beards were once again being required by the Taliban in Afghanistan. I cranked up my old aol search engine (diesel fuel only, please) and found this headline on the world wide interweb.

Not just mandatory beards, but also a music ban! I’ll have you know that my New Music for Old Rockers blog feature ranks #63 in Afghanistan! I may have to work in more beard-related posts to stay relevant there. I do understand the beard edict. Beards look so awesome when you’re a Taliban fighter taking a boating selfie.

Not! I guess I get it just a bit. The Taliban wants beards, but they don’t want bearded people being negatively influenced by rock and/or roll and becoming like this jerk.

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Future Netflix Series?

Now that I discovered that I know someone who has a successful Netflix series, Chicago Party Aunt, I have dusted off some of my old TV show ideas to pitch to Chicago Party Aunt’s creator to then pitch to Netflix. Here’s an idea of what you may see on Netflix in the future, thanks to me.

A dermatologist uses only lit cigarettes to burn unwanted growths off patients. Working title – Lit Zits!

An accupuncturist with a fear of needles uses lit cigarettes instead. Working title – There’s No Point.

Editor’s Note: Enough with the lit cigarettes already.

Think of this as a sequel to All Creatures Great and Small. A veterinarian only euthanizes patients. Working title – All Creatures Dead.

A former game show host becomes President. Oh, never mind on that one. That show was tried and was a complete disaster for four years.

An electrician with overactive sweat glands works in a constant puddle of perspiration. Working title – Shocking!

An airline pilot with narcolepsy only flies around sunrise with a therapy rooster that crows constantly to keep the pilot awake. Working title – Alarm Cock.

A zombie neurosurgeon’s patients all mysteriously die. Working title – Brain Food.

A heroin addict becomes a jockey to support his habit. Working title – Ride the White Horse.

Enjoy your future Netflix viewing, and you’re welcome!

New Music for Old Rockers – The Two Faces of Hush

I have a friend and reader of this blog (and therefore, waster of time) who wrote a great song decades ago, but won’t record it. Why? Because Styx stole the title for this sappy song.

I have tried to convince my friend that it doesn’t matter that Styx pilfered his title. His song is superior. Record it, put it up on YouTube, and I am sure in no time it will surpass the 4,205,467 views the Styx music video has. It is really okay to reuse a song title. Here’s a great example.

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My Days Are Numbered

Yeah, that’s right, from 1 to 31, same as yours. I guess today is one of the special number days. I spotted this on Twitter.

To celebrate the occasion, on all the checks I write today, I plan to show the date as 9-21-21-21-21-21-21.

I guess tomorrow being an equinox is also a big day as the sun crosses the equator. We have cold and snow coming in the northern hemisphere, and down under in Australia, South America, and Africa, they get summer. I don’t think that’s fair. You never hear of southern hemisphere blizzards and unbearable temperatures during their winters. Sydney airport shut down because of heavy snow? Rio schools closed due to whiteout conditions and unsafe temps? Cape Town roads covered in ice and snow causing massive 50+ car pile-ups? No, no, & no. And they get super hot summers which I don’t think they like. I’m always hearing news stories with Aussies bitching about the sweltering summer heat. Maybe with just a slight adjustment to the tilt of the Earth’s axis, we could even things out a bit more. I mean, why have nuclear power and weaponry if we don’t use it to make necessary adjustments? We had 8 years with supposed progressives running the US from 2008 to 2016, but did they address it? No. Thanks, Obama.

Anyway, enjoy this 21 day today and don’t forget to send that special someone in your life “Happy Equinox” greetings tomorrow. By special someone, I mean me. In lieu of equinox salutations, I will also accept if you click this link to buy my award-winning book of short stories.

The Return of … Random Thoughts

I haven’t published a Random Thoughts post in years, and I acknowledge the public outcry, or lack thereof. One of those two. I am responding with a potentially triumphant return Random Thoughts post. So, let’s dive right into my alleged mind.


This current Applebee’s commercial makes me want to NEVER eat at an Applebee’s again.


Our governor has reinstated a mask mandate in the state of Illinois, and it is great. It saves me so much time, because with the mask on when I am out in public, I can get away with less frequent nose hair timmings.


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