Hoping 2021 is Worth the Weight

Happy New Year to you all as I wrap up my Twelve Days of Blogging. When last I checked my weight in an act of public self-shaming, I had gained 2 pounds back from my summer & fall 17 pound weight loss. I hatched a crazy plan to gain less than 5 pounds per month during the 3 winter months, and I would then start Spring 2021 weighing less than last year. Even nuttier is that’s the plan I’ve decided to follow – weight gain. It’s the only plan I have. Winter weight gain is inevitable for me. The best I can do is minimize it.

I knew December would be hard. By the end of the month, my diet had turned almost exclusively to a focus on the 4 holiday food groups of cookies, chocolate, caramel, and eggnog. My workouts had faded as Christmas activities and a bathroom renovation took precedence over self-care. Unfortunately, the numbers don’t lie …

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Holiday Eats

Today is the eighth day of my Twelve Days of Blogging, and Christmas leftovers in the house are running low, unlike my weight because of the Christmas leftovers. It’s a vicious cycle. My wife made some special sandwiches for Christmas Eve, and I was looking forward to this on Christmas Day …

Until I saw the whole dish …

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Do I Have a Drinking Problem?

Here we are halfway through my Twelve Days of Blogging. I’ll let you do the math to figure out how many days that is. I hope you received the gifts you wanted or at least gift receipts along with the crappy ones.

I received this thoughtful gift from my oldest daughter. Now I can go around smelling like I’m stinking drunk even when I’m not.

Examine those soaps a bit closer and you will see this …

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A Christmas Haul

Here we are on the fourth day of my Twelve Days of Blogging, and I experienced quite a haul yesterday. No, I didn’t get a lot of gifts. (Thanks for that lack of gifts, by the way) My haul involved literally hauling these five 4′ x 8′ sheets of drywall up a tricky flight of stairs with a couple tight turns at the bottom and top.

No, I didn’t do it alone. I assisted my brother-in-law who is doing our bathroom renovation & expansion. But then, I got the bright idea to haul these bad boys up the stairs … by myself.

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The Twelve Days of Blogging

There was a time when I was blogging daily, but complaints from blog followers were such that I had to cut back. I’m sure it was because the daily posts were soooo hilarious that readers couldn’t get anything done due to frequent bursts of chortling and chuckling all day when thoughts turned to my daily post with the end result being that they accomplished nothing.

But I’m back, baby. Twelve days of blogging to coincide with the twelve days of Christmas. Wait, what? Christmas is Friday? Uh-oh. Are stores open during COVID? Maybe I can coincide my blogging with the eight days of Chanukah. Wait, what? That’s over already? I completely missed Chanukah? I always feel like I slight Chanukah, and this year I’ve gone and missed it entirely. The least I can do is recruit a major celebrity like Motown legend Smokey Robinson to deliver a festive Chanukah video message.

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Holiday Decorations in my Neighborhood

It’s nice that our neighbors behind us decided to install an airport landing strip in their backyard this holiday season.

I do need some trees trimmed in the back, so I’m not objecting to a small plane or two trying to land.

It’s not like we don’t have some of our own interesting decorations in our trees out front. Take a look …

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The Day the Ornament Died

It’s New Year’s Day. Happy New Year to you. It turns out that my wife is allergic to the Christmas tree that has been up in our house for 3 weeks now. Nothing too serious. Just her throat closing up when she’s in the same room with it. But we entertained company on 5 different occasions over the holidays including last night, so up the tree stayed. Until today.

The tree is coming down today and heading out for chipping and mulching. No longer do we live in the neighborhood where we attach trees to old toilets and dump them in the neighborhhood lake for the fish to use as breeding grounds. That’s a blog post for another day. Nope. Out to the curb with it, maybe with an ornament left on it.

Having 5 kids, our tree features a lot of homemade or kid-centric ornaments. I’m guessing a child may have made this one …

ornament1.jpg

Heck, there are even ornaments that I painted many years ago on the tree …

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Christmas Wrap-up

Now that Christmas is over, I don’t want to do any more wrapping for a while except to wrap-up a few holiday loose ends. And if you somehow make it to the end of this post, I have a very special gift for you there.

for me

Yes, a gift just for you (and the tens of other readers of this blog). WARNING: Gift receipt not included. Don’t waste your time looking for it.

First, the mystery of the mini wine gift basket coming my way has been solved. It wasn’t tiny bottles of wine after all. It was this in the 2 lb. box …

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A Small Gift at Christmas – Literally

Do you know any of those people that give valuable gifts at Christmas and then say, “It’s nothing really, just a small gift to show my appreciation?” If you do, can you introduce me? Anyway, I thought I was one of those people getting a valuable gift today. I got this UPS notification yesterday …

UPS Notification

How festive looking, and classy. Wine country, huh? Our extended family comes over to our house Christmas Eve, so this basket of wine may be coming just in time for me to get my booze on before they descend upon our humble abode.

But then I tracked the shipment and saw this …

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Who Ate Chocolate Jesus?

Is this to become a beloved Christmas tradition or just a quirky annual post from Jim Flanigan Looks at the World? This is indeed a repost from December 2015 that continually gets lots of views. I’m lazy, and I have to start Christmas shopping, so I’m reposting it again. I hope you enjoy it and Merry Christmas.

While waiting in line at a local sweet shop, I could not take my eyes off their chocolate nativity for sale. Continue reading “Who Ate Chocolate Jesus?”

New Music for Old Rockers – New Yorn Yule Yarn

Christmas can be a fun time, but also a very stressful time. There are gifts to buy, MAGA relatives to rub shoulders with, and decorations to put up outside often in less than ideal conditions. But Pete Yorn is back with some sage advice for this season.

Where’s Yorn been since he captivated us musically a decade ago with lyrical tales of his “Strange Condition?” Well, he’s been making music, but just not super memorable. This new tune from his 7th album may not be memorable, but it excellent advice to just calm the hell down.

If you aren’t calm after listening to that tune, then there’s something seriously wrong. Calm down. The gifts will get wrapped. The tree will be trimmed. You’ll get to go a-Wassailing, whatever that is. Ask Uncle George in his MAGA hat about his health. He won’t have time to talk about Trump. He’ll be too busy talking about his gout and the root canal he needs and the fried foods he can’t eat anymore because his cholesterol is too high and … well, you get the idea. When he’s done, just tell him to calm down because he looks great. Okay, that’s probably a lie. What is that spot on his head? But, what the hell, it’s the holidays. Maybe that Christmas lie will help him enjoy a Merry Christmas, like all of us will if we just calm down.

 

Elf on the Shelf to Unionize – Repost with New Content

Work is surprisingly busy this time of the year when I thought business would be winding down a bit. That is actually good since my income is directly linked to my sales, and I just got a peek at my wife’s credit card bill with all the Christmas gift charges on it. I’m swooning just thinking about it. My charge card is also filled with holiday gift charges, but mostly from the Dollar Store so the total hasn’t hit triple digits yet. The bottom line is that I don’t seem to have much time to generate clever posts. I know, you’re asking yourself, “What’s his excuse for the rest of the year?”

Anyway, it seems like a good time to dust off an old Elf on the Shelf post from 4 years ago that continues to get a lot of views around Christmas. Our youngest child is now past the Elf on the Shelf stage, so that frees up some of my time at night that previously had me occupied finding clever hiding spots for Holly, my daughter’s Elf. I still regret perching Holly on the toilet that one time.

elf toilet.jpg

 

I wish my son had paid more attention before peeing in the middle of the night. No big deal. A couple flushes and Holly was rinsed nicely.

Anyway, here’s the original Elf on the Shelf post from 2015 (with some punctuation corrections) …

The popular elves from The Elf on the Shelf fame have had it with working conditions and are organizing a union. Continue reading “Elf on the Shelf to Unionize – Repost with New Content”

Treemendous Christmas

My daughter and her friends sometimes play an Expectations vs. Reality game. They talk about what they expect to do, and then spectacularly fail in the reality of attempting to do it. For example, they can talk about expecting to make a perfect dive like this …

dive good

And then in reality do this at the pool …

German dive

Except without all the somersaults. Just the flop at the end is more like it for them.

I had grandiose expectations to decorate a tree outside this year. My wife decorated the outside of the house and it looks great again this year. It always does. She’s an awesome decorator. Not to be outdone, I eyed a large tree on the side of our house that would look incredible decked out with any leftover lights. I suggested to my wife that some icicle lights would look good on that tree. Nope. She pointed out that the white wire on the green tree would look terrible, and those icicle lights should only be used along the gutter. Well, duh. I knew that. Of course, I was just testing her. She passed along to me several old sets of appropriate lights and off to work I went.

My expectations were something like this …

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Foment the Ferment

My oldest daughter always tries to get me meaningful Christmas gifts. For example, last year she knew I was trying to eat healthy, so she bought me an herb garden. I still haven’t used it. I just haven’t had the thyme, but I hope to soon.

Wow, what a way to start the New Year, with a bad dad joke. But murder is no joking matter. This Christmas, my first-born bought me this gift which had me convinced that she may be trying to murder me.

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