Yeah, we had 20+ over to our house for Christmas Eve. The house looked quite festive for our guests, nicely decorated thanks to my wife. Except for this alleged Christmas Cactus that is finally in full bloom in late January.
We had no control over this lazy ass plant that is running a month late.
Beautiful? Yes. Christmas cactus? Pffft, no. Whatever happened to truth in advertising? I suspect this means I’ll be writing another letter to the Federal Trade Commission.
There’s already a plethora of beloved winter holiday characters like Santa Claus, Frosty the Snowman, Krampus, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (drinking problem perhaps?), and the Grinch. But there’s always room for one more to gather around my yule log. Introducing Pumpkinman.
We have no snow on the ground, but I did have rotting pumpkins. What better use than this? And if you are so inclined, make a Pumpkinwoman or non-binary Pumpkinperson.
Pro Tip: Magic marker does now write well on wet, rotting pumpkins. It’s probably for the best. The face I was drawing on the collapsing pumpkin was trending creepy.
As a new holiday tradition, I’ll give you daily updates and pics on how Pumpkinman is doing. Maybe Pumpkinman will get himself involved in all sorts of hilarious antics like the Elf on a Shelf. Perhaps he’ll be smoking a pipe, wearing a jaunty driving cap, growing a carrot nose, or injecting his stick arm with heroin. We’ll see what hilarious mischief he may be up to. Pumpkinman and I wish for you plenty of good holiday cheer and clean needles.
It snowed last night and into this morning. I am glad that we put up holiday decorations yesterday when it was a mild day with some sun. However, after getting this inflated, I am moved to ask a question. Is it traditional for reindeer to wear life preservers at Christmas?
After experiencing the whole hit or miss experience with Christmas lights yesterday, this cartoon gave me a chuckle.
May your holiday decorating go smoothly this year.
I thought our house looked nicely decorated in yesterday’s blog post, but I forgot to mention something, so you get a Thirteenth Day of Blogging. That our house is decorated nicely is kind of a shocker since I helped decorate this year. Yes, I actually layed some lights on foliage to make that happen, all under the strict supervision of the boss, of course.
When I decorate, I have visions of this being the result.
That is an actual decorated tree in our neighborhood. They set the bar high, but when I decorate, my expectation is that will be the result.
However, my decorating reality usually yields a tree looking like this just a few houses down from that super-tree.
A lot has been happening to me personally over these Twelve Days of Blogging, so I thought I’d recap the highlights for you including more Christmas miracles and a Hanukkah miracle.
Let’s start with another Christmas miracle. The television remote control was gone. I was the likely culprit having last used it. Did I dodder off in my typical addled state and lay the missing remote in an unfindable place? The full house search revealed nothing. It was missing for two whole days. We spent hours upon hours teaching ourselves how to use the funny buttons on the bottom of the TV to change channels, volume, source, etc. The remote was gone. Grieving had begun. I began sitting shiva in front of the television which I usually do anyway.
And then, my youngest daughter found it under the couch. Just like that. She looked, and there it was. Yes, we had looked under the couches before. I had found a dog ball under one of the couches. Our youngest dog was so happy to see it again that he promptly ate half of it before we could take it away from him. Merry Christmas.
There will be some who say that our ball-eating dog’s tail whisked it off the coffee table and onto the floor under the couch. And that we did a lousy job in looking for it. But I have another theory.
To make up for the cessation of regularly-scheduled Mite Be Funny cartoons every Sunday, here’s an extra long, 5-panel cartoon with a Christmas message from the mites on this Tenth Day of Blogging.
I warned you that if I got busy, I may recycle an old post. This one is a favorite that always seems to get viewing traffic around Christmas whether I repost it or not. Well, it’s been three years since the last time I foisted this upon readers, so it is high time I try it again. I have edited and punched-up the original 2015 post just a bit. Is this truly a beloved Christmas post, or am I just trying to sneak an easy post through on this 8th Day of Blogging? I think we know the answer. Regardless, here it is …
While waiting in line at a local sweet shop, I could not take my eyes off their chocolate nativity for sale while store security did not dare take their eyes off me for obvious reasons.
Chocolate Nativity for sale
The very first question that sprang to my mind was, “Who gets to eat Baby Jesus?” I’ll address that later, but that was just the tip of the question iceberg for me. My mind was quickly spinning with so many questions as I checked-out that I tried to pay for my purchase with my dry cleaning ticket. Consider these quandaries that dizzied my consciousness …
Now that’s a good question to address on this 7th Day of Blogging, but an easier one to answer would be what I don’t want. Allow me to take you back many years to the glory days of the National Lampoon Radio Hour with Bill Murray and Gilda Radner before they were famous.
I definitely do not want Santa’s trapdoor. What I would like for Christmas is if folks who made me laugh like Gilda Radner, John Belushi, John Candy, Chris Farley, and Phil Hartman were still around to do so. Hey, maybe this Motivational Santa could grant my Christmas wish.
Here’s something else I definitely do NOT want for Christmas offered by someone more pathetic than Motivational Santa Matt Foley living in a van down by the river.
If all football/soccer matches were like today’s World Cup final, I’d consider watching more. Anyway, watching that classic match unexpectedly set me back a bit today. What I’m getting at is I didn’t finish my Christmas poem post. But I did get this unexpected Christmas gift today.
That’s right, misshapen muffins (good name for a band, but a bad Christmas gift). Along with the misshapen muffins (in concert at the United Center for one night only!), I also received some coffee. I don’t drink coffee. To put a positive spin on it, any additional gifts I get can’t be worse. Can they?
That means it’s late for most people to start shopping for holiday gifts, but it’s still a bit early for me. I consider myself more of a pressure shopper. However, just this very morning, I gave myself a gift. It wasn’t easy, and it took some effort. I do appreciate the effort I put into my gift to myself.
I use Wordle to wake up and get my brain working in the mornings. This is before any caffeine or other stimulants that are typically found around most American homes like bennies, coke, crank, uppers, blow, speed, snow, etc. have entered my body. Consequently, I sleepwalked through many Wordle gaffes that I should have avoided had I actually thought about my guess rather than randomly mashing the keyboard until I make a word. I’m kind of a 4-try guy in Wordle, but those numerous early-morning Wordle goofs ran up my 5-try tally well beyond my 3-try total. Well, as of this morning, I am pleased to report that my 3-try and 5-try totals now match.
I know it’s not much, but on another grey morning while dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder, it’s a great gift to myself. I’m so thoughtful of a gift-giver to me!
Don’t worry, I have something specifically for you later in this post, but I first have a last-minute holiday gift-giving idea for everyone. Wouldn’t this look sharp on the finger of a loved one?
Here we are on the third of Twelve Days of Blogging, and I am thrilled to report that I am not yet out of ideas for twelve straight days of blogging.
Sure, not all of my planned blog ideas are monumental. One of the ideas I have is for a picture of “Merry Christmas” spelled out using toenail clippings. However, mine are not enough. All I can make is “Merry Chris,” and the one Chris I know is somewhat surly. I could settle for “Merry Xmas,” but I don’t want to disappoint you, the reader, by not providing the full, traditional Christmas salutation. I suppose I could use some older ones that I have stored in jars in the basement, but I really wanted them to be fresh clippings from this Christmas season. I guess you can just call me a traditionalist. Now I’m playing a waiting game for someone else in the house to trim their toenails to be able to make that post happen. I know you’ll be waiting on pins and needles.
Wow, this post about a true Christmas miracle really went off the rails quickly. Well, let’s get back on track. After already detailing a recent Hannukkah miracle, I am thrilled to report being witness to a true Christmas miracle involving my wife’s pumpkins (not a euphemism).
Since we have started the Twelve Days of Blogging, I am pleased to offer you 12 of the least-loved Christmas sayings. You know what I mean, things that you don’t want to have to say or hear. Here’s a good example.
Especially with Christmas spelled as Chirstmas. The gif creator had one job to do. Sigh! Anyway, if you don’t believe that these sayings aren’t beloved, feel free to try one or two at your next Christmas gathering.
Don’t try the holiday punch. I think he stirred it with his “candy cane.”
Pass me an elf.
If that wasn’t figgy pudding, what was that I just ate?
Those aren’t reindeer on your roof. You’ve got rats in your attic.
My Yule log is sooo hot.
If you need to eventually get rid of the gift I got you because of leakage, just be aware that it is highly corrosive and illegal to dispose of in a landfill.
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets laid.
Trump is coming to Christmas dinner.
Grandma’s cookies smell like her denture adhesive.
Let me show you what it really means to have Santa come down your chimney.
That’s not eggnog on his pants.
The liquor store was out of beer and wine, so I just bought some myrrh.
I had maybe hoped I could delay starting my Twelve Days of Blogging until after Christmas, and nobody would notice or care, and then I just wouldn’t do it, but I stumbled across something that demands I post it today. So, I guess I start my Twelve Days of Blogging with this post. Besides, if I get too busy to blog, I’ll just recycle old Christmas posts. You readers don’t expect much with this blog, and I’m confident I can meet your low expectations.
I heard on the radio about a fascinating, but short, Christmas play, and I tracked it down on Twitter for your enjoyment. Supposedly, the plot and dialogue were written by AI (artifical intelligence, not former NBA star Allen Iverson) that was fed with terms, phrases, and themes from the Hallmark Channel. The AI spit out a mini story titled “The Christmas on Christmas” and is available for you in its entirety if you click to continue reading.
The list of all that I accomplished over the holidays is too long to write about, so that’s a bit of luck for you readers. But I can still waste your time giving you some selected highlights. I already wrote about spending some quality time with our dogs. But wait, there’s more!
First thing I did was try not to be such a dick when I was out shopping and running errands. I was inspired by this older pic of Alice Cooper serving others that resurfaced and made the rounds on Twitter recently.
I wasn’t as ambitious as Mr. Cooper, but I tried to hold doors for others and keep a smile on my face. When cars cut me off, I made sure to wave at the drivers with all the fingers on my hand and not just the middle one. I always wonder what the world would be like if each person in the world did those little things every day for a whole year.
I also stayed healthy. I told you about my COVID test. We heard of a friend of the family who got very sick with COVID but is recovering. We also heard of some folks who are friends of friends who have passed away. They predict the omicron variant infection rate in Chicagoland will peak by the end of January. Looks like no indoor public activities for a while still. See you outside in spring!
Professionally, the news I received just before the holidays was bad, and I took some time over the holidays to process it and feel comfortable about my future.
I had some time off over the Christmas holiday, so I focused my attention on the dogs, much to their dismay. We have 2 dogs now, a standard poodle and a rescue mutt that is part basset hound and part slinky. Our poodle Lola grew to be a bit larger than we had hoped, so I tried to turn her into a toy poodle over the holiday. Was I successful? Take a look and you be the judge.
Before starting our Christmas festivities with family, we all tested for Covid as some in the family are immunocompromised. We used nasal swab home test kits.
The store was out of the rectal test versions that I prefer. Anyway, with these nasal tests, one red line means you are negative for Covid, and two red lines mean you got the Covid.
Pretty simple, right? I was grateful that my test yielded only one red line. But what did what was underneath mean? Take a look.
That’s right, Google tells me that today is the holiday of Festivus.
And you know what that means, right?
Well, hold on, can we take care of another Festivus tradition first?
That’s right, the airing of grievances. I’ve got a lot of complaints to air, mostly about the unvaccinated these days, although I find I can and usually do complain about most everything. However, I’ll reserve this blog for my wife’s Christmas grievance.
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 