In a recent blog post, I clarified that I make no attempt to promote this blog, and in fact, discourage followers. Think of it this way … if no one follows this blog, there will mercifully be no more Mite Be Funny cartoons.
If you throw a message in a bottle into the ocean, but it is never read, did you really drink the beverage that was in the bottle?
With an unseasonably warm winter that may be threatening to quickly become spring, I’ve been thinking how nice it would be to go on a getaway weekend in the great outdoors with a couple of buddies where we could enjoy nature and guy stuff like this.
If we do go for a weekend in the wilderness, I think I will want to take the role of the bear.
Just wondering, is that a cross tattoo on the punching guys back, or is his back hair shaved into the shape of a cross?
If you recall one year ago, I published a short story sequel to the beloved movie It’s a Wonderful Life called “Every Time a Bell Rings.” Unfortunately, my short story is quite irreverent and will never be as revered as the movie that spawned it. However, I was thrilled to see on Amazon that it had ratings.
It doesn’t bother me that one of the ratings is bad. In fact, I’m not surprised at the 1 star rating. If you believe that irreverence = bad writing, then you won’t like the story. If you also believe bad writing = bad writing, then you may not like the story. Anyway, it follows Clarence the angel as he gets called on the carpet for his actions during the movie. I’m working on another sequel, and I had hoped to have it ready by Christmas. I’ve enlisted some helpers to work on it to get it ready in time.
If all football/soccer matches were like today’s World Cup final, I’d consider watching more. Anyway, watching that classic match unexpectedly set me back a bit today. What I’m getting at is I didn’t finish my Christmas poem post. But I did get this unexpected Christmas gift today.
That’s right, misshapen muffins (good name for a band, but a bad Christmas gift). Along with the misshapen muffins (in concert at the United Center for one night only!), I also received some coffee. I don’t drink coffee. To put a positive spin on it, any additional gifts I get can’t be worse. Can they?
That means it’s late for most people to start shopping for holiday gifts, but it’s still a bit early for me. I consider myself more of a pressure shopper. However, just this very morning, I gave myself a gift. It wasn’t easy, and it took some effort. I do appreciate the effort I put into my gift to myself.
I use Wordle to wake up and get my brain working in the mornings. This is before any caffeine or other stimulants that are typically found around most American homes like bennies, coke, crank, uppers, blow, speed, snow, etc. have entered my body. Consequently, I sleepwalked through many Wordle gaffes that I should have avoided had I actually thought about my guess rather than randomly mashing the keyboard until I make a word. I’m kind of a 4-try guy in Wordle, but those numerous early-morning Wordle goofs ran up my 5-try tally well beyond my 3-try total. Well, as of this morning, I am pleased to report that my 3-try and 5-try totals now match.
I know it’s not much, but on another grey morning while dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder, it’s a great gift to myself. I’m so thoughtful of a gift-giver to me!
Don’t worry, I have something specifically for you later in this post, but I first have a last-minute holiday gift-giving idea for everyone. Wouldn’t this look sharp on the finger of a loved one?
Here we are on the third of Twelve Days of Blogging, and I am thrilled to report that I am not yet out of ideas for twelve straight days of blogging.
Sure, not all of my planned blog ideas are monumental. One of the ideas I have is for a picture of “Merry Christmas” spelled out using toenail clippings. However, mine are not enough. All I can make is “Merry Chris,” and the one Chris I know is somewhat surly. I could settle for “Merry Xmas,” but I don’t want to disappoint you, the reader, by not providing the full, traditional Christmas salutation. I suppose I could use some older ones that I have stored in jars in the basement, but I really wanted them to be fresh clippings from this Christmas season. I guess you can just call me a traditionalist. Now I’m playing a waiting game for someone else in the house to trim their toenails to be able to make that post happen. I know you’ll be waiting on pins and needles.
Wow, this post about a true Christmas miracle really went off the rails quickly. Well, let’s get back on track. After already detailing a recent Hannukkah miracle, I am thrilled to report being witness to a true Christmas miracle involving my wife’s pumpkins (not a euphemism).
Since we have started the Twelve Days of Blogging, I am pleased to offer you 12 of the least-loved Christmas sayings. You know what I mean, things that you don’t want to have to say or hear. Here’s a good example.
Especially with Christmas spelled as Chirstmas. The gif creator had one job to do. Sigh! Anyway, if you don’t believe that these sayings aren’t beloved, feel free to try one or two at your next Christmas gathering.
Don’t try the holiday punch. I think he stirred it with his “candy cane.”
Pass me an elf.
If that wasn’t figgy pudding, what was that I just ate?
Those aren’t reindeer on your roof. You’ve got rats in your attic.
My Yule log is sooo hot.
If you need to eventually get rid of the gift I got you because of leakage, just be aware that it is highly corrosive and illegal to dispose of in a landfill.
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets laid.
Trump is coming to Christmas dinner.
Grandma’s cookies smell like her denture adhesive.
Let me show you what it really means to have Santa come down your chimney.
That’s not eggnog on his pants.
The liquor store was out of beer and wine, so I just bought some myrrh.
I had maybe hoped I could delay starting my Twelve Days of Blogging until after Christmas, and nobody would notice or care, and then I just wouldn’t do it, but I stumbled across something that demands I post it today. So, I guess I start my Twelve Days of Blogging with this post. Besides, if I get too busy to blog, I’ll just recycle old Christmas posts. You readers don’t expect much with this blog, and I’m confident I can meet your low expectations.
I heard on the radio about a fascinating, but short, Christmas play, and I tracked it down on Twitter for your enjoyment. Supposedly, the plot and dialogue were written by AI (artifical intelligence, not former NBA star Allen Iverson) that was fed with terms, phrases, and themes from the Hallmark Channel. The AI spit out a mini story titled “The Christmas on Christmas” and is available for you in its entirety if you click to continue reading.
I really thought I would find it easy to move away from weekly Mite Be Funny cartoons. But it turns out that it’s not as easy as I thought. It’s not like I have a need to create dumb cartoons about dust mites. However, what I found is that the Sunday Mite Be Funny cartoons served as fixed reference points on my blogging timeline. For example, I may look and see that it’s been 2 days since a Mite Be Funny cartoon, so I know I should generate a new blog post. Without a recent Mite Be Funny cartoon, I found it sooooo easy to just not post since I had no frame of reference to determine if I am blogging frequently or not. I liked to see 2 to 3 blog posts between weekly Mite Be Funny cartoons. Without those Mite Be Funny cartoons, I’m a bit lost in the blogging wilderness. My conclusion is that I might need mites in my life. So, here you go …
Once again, I feel the need to remind readers that the title is Mite Be Funny with two possible meanings:
It could mean that the cartoon might be funny.
It could be a declarative command, “Mite, be funny!”
I realize neither applies to this cartoon this week, but at least I now have a placeholder post for my weekly posting reference. Back to regular posting, thanks to the mites.
I got sort of comfortable not blogging regularly last week as I dealt with some loss. I’m sure some of you (alright, most of you) got comfortable with not having to read my nonsense multiple times in a week. You may have noticed that for the first week in literally years, I did not publish a Mite Be Funny cartoon.
It was to be Mite Be Funny #300, and although I had an idea for a cartoon, it was not a great one. I guess I could say that about most of my Mite Be Funny cartoons. It has kind of run its course. But as I have explained before, I’m an OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) guy, so there was some comfort in the routine of cranking out a Mite Be Funny cartoon each week with regularity, quality be damned.
But I’ve also really become obsessed with this very zen saying attributed to Confucious.
If you use blogging to practice writing like I do, then this may interest you. I stumbled across this writing contest and entered on a whim. Correction, I entered on my laptop. It costs nothing. Just to be crystal clear, here is the link below.
Your story must be submitted by the 22nd of May, so I know time is short, but what else do you have to do? You already missed the deadline for filing your taxes, so what’s another couple weeks?
I have decided to enter a story that I penned for my next collection of short stories to go along with my collection of award-winning stories you can purchase on Amazon. My story is called Mount Driveway and has a real neighborhood feel to it, so I think it meets the theme of community. Oh, and it’s hilarious. Maybe you have some half-written story that also fits the community theme. Just finish it. Hey, how about that story you were writing about a small town mayor who is actually an alien and smites her political opponents during debates using lasers that shoot from her eyes? Yeah, that story. You know the one I’m talking about.
Just to be clear, you have nothing to lose, except I guess this contest. Good luck and write on!
Like you really care. I’ve been silent for most of this week, and I haven’t even received one “Please Post Soon” card. All I’ve gotten is an overdue gas bill warning me that I’ll be without gas if I don’t pay. As if I would ever be gasless. I wish! So does this Brazilian model.
Although I warned you that there may be changes coming to this blog, at least fart content remains. Full fart story here. Most changes I had planned were pertaining specifically to how this blog looks, content, ads, etc. That hasn’t really worked out as planned. It seems that unless I give WordPress a lot of money each year to “upgrade” this blog, then some desired features are unavailable to me. More money poured into this blog? That’s like investing in WorldCom and ain’t happening.
But there are a couple really good things happening.
Once again, I am changing course. I had become resigned to sliding ignominiously into retirement over the course of this year as my German product supplier for my small business pulled their product from sales in the US due to some EU regulatory issues. But now, it appears that I have inexplicably brokered a deal to have the German product assembled in the US by a 60 million dollar company located not 30 minutes from my house. Weird. In addition, my small business should still have access to the product to sell. So, I’m back in business, at least for a while. It’s probably for the best as the WordPress WordAds revenue from this blog continues to deteriorate.
Advertisers must be taking the time to read this nonsense. And two other possible sources of income have also dried up.
I just got an email today from my blog host WordPress with this invitation.
WordPress “just launched” a daily blogging challenge for January? I checked the date today. The 21st of January. Hello? The month is 2/3 over. Just launched, my ass. It’s like getting an invitation to come to a party as guests are leaving and the host has begun cleaning up cups and plates. My best guess is that WordPress has been monitoring this blog and its questionable “entertainment” content. They probably recommended that our invitation be put in the “lost in the mail” category to arrive at a safe late date that would deter my participation.
Now, would I have blogged for 31 straight days in January? Probably not. I like you readers, but …
I figured I would finish my 12 Days of Blogging with the third in the series of “A Bad M_th Joke” posts. Two days ago, it was about math. Yesterday, meth. Today, thanks to Norm MacDonald (RIP), I am pleased to present his famous bad moth joke in animated form.
Fortunately for you readers, muth and mith are not words.
I’m exhausted here on the 11th of my 12 Days of Blogging. I can barely lift my fingers to type this post. Instead of a staccato rat-tat-tat on the keyboard, it is a legato click … click …click.
I am out of blogging ideas (never stopped me from blogging before), but I am in my fantasy football playoffs, and I noticed something very unusual that I figured I would share. In the first round of the playoffs, playoff seeds #1, #3, #5, & #7 won their first round games.
Hmm, seeds #1, #3, #5, & #7 advanced. I don’t know about you, but those numbers seem very odd to me.
A gift I just received this Christmas season has been a 24+ hour internet outage. I almost was unable to give you this gift, but then I went to the local public library to go online and post your gift. I know that you’re thinking, “An even nicer gift would have been no post today.” But it is Day 9 of the 12 Days of Blogging, so if I don’t gift you soon, you’re getting nothing, and plenty of it.
My award-winning book of 16 short storieswas originally 18. But there was one story that just didn’t fit well with the rest, so I axed it. That left the story total at 17 … a prime number. My OCD immediately rejected that idea, so I cut another story to get to 16 … a perfect square number. Yes, I am an OCD math geek, a horrible combination if you a planning the guest list for a dinner party. Hey, watch me chew my bite of food the same number of times on each side of my mouth!
Anyway, the following story got cut from the book. Yes, the award-winning, well-reviewed book of short stories I wrote available for under a buck by clicking HERE. I have set-up the story on Amazon for you Kindle and Kindle app users. The price is set at $0.99, the same as my award-winning, well-reviewed, very inexpensive book of short stories. But you don’t have to pay that price for a story with just over 3000 words. Wait until Thursday morning, and the first thing to do when you arise is to click this link to get this short story for FREE. Well, maybe tinkle first and then order. And you should brush your teeth. That morning breath! Ugh!
Click this link to get my short story “Every Time a Bell Rings” for FREE Thursday morning. It is a holiday story, sort of a sequel to It’s a Wonderful Life, following Clarence the angel after the movie ends. Now I know some of you hate Amazon, so if you click to continue reading, the whole story follows, still for FREE. Is it a Christmas classic? More like classic sacrilege and blasphemy for fans of the movie. But hey, a classic something nonetheless. If you enjoy it, make sure to review it on Amazon. Now where the hell’s MY gift?
Well, here we are on my 5th Day of Blogging, and I have decided to start my Christmas shopping. I stopped off at a local store owned by an ex-neighbor named Sherry. She’s a wonderful woman and was a great neighbor for 20 years. Sherry employs Victoria who we happily lived next door to in the same neighborhood as Sherry for 18 years. I always enjoy stopping by to see them and catch up, but they don’t work weekends, especially the crazy weekends before Christmas.
As I approached the cash register at Sherry’s store to checkout, I heard the woman in front of me quietly mention that she’s related to Sherry. She got a discount! Well, not to be outdone, I notified the high school girl working the counter that I was an ex-neighbor of both Sherry and Victoria, so I should get the ex-neighbor’s discount. I could see the panic in her face as her eyes started to dart to-and-fro looking for help. Seeing as it is the holiday season, I decided to be charitable and let her off the hook. I assured her that of course, I was just kidding. Yeah, sure, kidding. I figure I can make up the missed discount next year when we go to Victoria’s son’s wedding. I am sure the wedding venue won’t miss a few place settings of silverware.
Now that I’ve started shopping, I should check the ad revenue from this blog to see if I’ll be able to pay the credit card bills when they come due in January. Let’s take a look.