What Happened to my Invitation?

I just got an email today from my blog host WordPress with this invitation.

WordPress “just launched” a daily blogging challenge for January? I checked the date today. The 21st of January. Hello? The month is 2/3 over. Just launched, my ass. It’s like getting an invitation to come to a party as guests are leaving and the host has begun cleaning up cups and plates. My best guess is that WordPress has been monitoring this blog and its questionable “entertainment” content. They probably recommended that our invitation be put in the “lost in the mail” category to arrive at a safe late date that would deter my participation.

Now, would I have blogged for 31 straight days in January? Probably not. I like you readers, but …

Well, this may better explain how I feel.

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A Bad Math Joke

I’m exhausted here on the 11th of my 12 Days of Blogging. I can barely lift my fingers to type this post. Instead of a staccato rat-tat-tat on the keyboard, it is a legato click … click …click.

I am out of blogging ideas (never stopped me from blogging before), but I am in my fantasy football playoffs, and I noticed something very unusual that I figured I would share. In the first round of the playoffs, playoff seeds #1, #3, #5, & #7 won their first round games.

Hmm, seeds #1, #3, #5, & #7 advanced. I don’t know about you, but those numbers seem very odd to me.

A Gift For You

A gift I just received this Christmas season has been a 24+ hour internet outage. I almost was unable to give you this gift, but then I went to the local public library to go online and post your gift. I know that you’re thinking, “An even nicer gift would have been no post today.” But it is Day 9 of the 12 Days of Blogging, so if I don’t gift you soon, you’re getting nothing, and plenty of it.

My award-winning book of 16 short stories was originally 18. But there was one story that just didn’t fit well with the rest, so I axed it. That left the story total at 17 … a prime number. My OCD immediately rejected that idea, so I cut another story to get to 16 … a perfect square number. Yes, I am an OCD math geek, a horrible combination if you a planning the guest list for a dinner party. Hey, watch me chew my bite of food the same number of times on each side of my mouth!

Anyway, the following story got cut from the book. Yes, the award-winning, well-reviewed book of short stories I wrote available for under a buck by clicking HERE. I have set-up the story on Amazon for you Kindle and Kindle app users. The price is set at $0.99, the same as my award-winning, well-reviewed, very inexpensive book of short stories. But you don’t have to pay that price for a story with just over 3000 words. Wait until Thursday morning, and the first thing to do when you arise is to click this link to get this short story for FREE. Well, maybe tinkle first and then order. And you should brush your teeth. That morning breath! Ugh!

Click this link to get my short story “Every Time a Bell Rings” for FREE Thursday morning. It is a holiday story, sort of a sequel to It’s a Wonderful Life, following Clarence the angel after the movie ends. Now I know some of you hate Amazon, so if you click to continue reading, the whole story follows, still for FREE. Is it a Christmas classic? More like classic sacrilege and blasphemy for fans of the movie. But hey, a classic something nonetheless. If you enjoy it, make sure to review it on Amazon. Now where the hell’s MY gift?

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Where’s My Christmas Discount?

Well, here we are on my 5th Day of Blogging, and I have decided to start my Christmas shopping. I stopped off at a local store owned by an ex-neighbor named Sherry. She’s a wonderful woman and was a great neighbor for 20 years. Sherry employs Victoria who we happily lived next door to in the same neighborhood as Sherry for 18 years. I always enjoy stopping by to see them and catch up, but they don’t work weekends, especially the crazy weekends before Christmas.

As I approached the cash register at Sherry’s store to checkout, I heard the woman in front of me quietly mention that she’s related to Sherry. She got a discount! Well, not to be outdone, I notified the high school girl working the counter that I was an ex-neighbor of both Sherry and Victoria, so I should get the ex-neighbor’s discount. I could see the panic in her face as her eyes started to dart to-and-fro looking for help. Seeing as it is the holiday season, I decided to be charitable and let her off the hook. I assured her that of course, I was just kidding. Yeah, sure, kidding. I figure I can make up the missed discount next year when we go to Victoria’s son’s wedding. I am sure the wedding venue won’t miss a few place settings of silverware.

Now that I’ve started shopping, I should check the ad revenue from this blog to see if I’ll be able to pay the credit card bills when they come due in January. Let’s take a look.

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My Weight Loss Waterloo

I took a couple weeks after November ended to determine if I had lost a weight loss battle or the entire war. The month of November was certainly my weight loss Waterloo, and I don’t mean the city of Waterloo in Iowa, home of the Sistene Chapel reproduced in spray paint on the walls and ceiling of a warehouse turned into a restaurant that is now closed. Thanks, Covid.

No, I’m talking about Napoleon’s Waterloo where he lost his final battle while also gaining 5 pounds thanks to a cheesecake binge. I lost a major weight loss battle in November. Fat cells are now occupying my liver, and they are threatening to invade my pancreas unless their demands for sugared sodas and cake are met. However, I may not have lost the war. Signs in December are positive about returning to or close to my goal weight I met over the summer.

I can break November into 2 distinct halves. The first half of November was characterized by 4 things:

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Is Warm Weather Bad for Making Frozen Pizza?

There is some unseasonably warm winter weather predicted in the Chicago area for the next few days. The temperatures will be well above freezing, almost spring-like. That’s why I insisted we make and eat a frozen pizza I purchased before the warm weather hit. My wife wondered what the rush was. Well, all she needed to do was read the instructions. It is as clear as the canker sore on my lip, unless you choose to look away as most people do. If the weather is too warm, we could not bake the pizza. I’m not sure what the weather has to do with cooking pizza, but then again, I’m no haute cuisine chef. There is no doubt that it is clearly displayed on the label with cooking instructions. Take a look.

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Ad Nauseum

I have been quite satisfied with the addition of ads to this blog. I think it adds a certain cachet to this literary trainwreck. The thought that anyone would want their name, product, or service associated with this blog blows my mind. I always imagined advertisers bidding to NOT be associated with this blog.

I understand that the ads chosen for reader are tailored to their browsing tendencies and preferences. A friend and reader of this blog texted me this ad screenshot that popped up while he was reading.

That concerned me a bit. I know I have some shitty posts from time to time, but do the ads have to be shitty, too? So, I went online to check and see what ads came up for me as a browser of this blog. This was the ad that consistently appeared.

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Lost in Translation

I don’t make enough (translation: any) money from writing and blogging (translation: self-publishing word salads) because of my frugal readers & followers (translation: deadbeats), so I actually have a day job running my own business as I have for 14 years (translation: too long) now. I have a close (translation: ethically suspect) relationship with a number of customers and vendors (translation: potential criminal co-conspirators) that often leads me to agree to handle some challenging (translation: stupid) tasks. One such task is to curate and mange (translation: mostly ignore) the YouTube channel of one vendor. I was surprised to get a notification of this comment in regard to a video for a therapeutic massage machine.

I wasn’t sure if Lhtutuutfirh was covfefe level gibberish (translation: most of what Trump says), or if this was a customer asking to place a million dollar order. To the Google Translate machine!

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Mad for Ads

Well, I warned you that I was considering adding ads to this trainwreck of a blog, and I finally did it yesterday. I was excited to see what advertisers would be bidding big money to get an ad on my blog. Here was the first I saw.

Oh, sure, how interesting. You know, I was considering getting myself a new CDP, whatever the hell that is. So, I had to click the ad to find out. Here’s what I found.

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Adding Ads?

Sales of my award-winning, side-splitting book of short stories about the afterlife do not appear like they will be sufficient to fund a lifestyle for me of champagne wishes and caviar dreams. Therefore, this notice from WordPress caught my eye.

As I clicked the link to start making money, I guessed that I would be instructed to offer to shut the blog down in exchange for donations. But, no. This popped up next.

I can’t imagine any scenario where the internet’s top ad suppliers bid for ad space on this blog. Bidding to stay off this blog? That I can believe. Anyway, adding ads sounded pretty good and easy to me, but this is the first ad that was suggested.

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Mite Be a Reblog

Sorry to get you all excited, but this is NOT a bonus Mite Be Funny cartoon, the universally shunned Sunday morning cartoon. But I was surprised amazed shocked stunned aghast that yesterday’s Mite Be Funny cartoon was actually reblogged by someone. Sure, it was hilarious when compared to other mediocre Sunday funnies like the Nancy comic strip. Take a look …

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Read This Blog – Rachel Being Chatty – or the Hostage Gets It

Don’t worry. I really don’t have a hostage … yet, but I am willing to learn how to take one. I was approached by Rachel (not her full real name) from the Rachel Being Chatty blog asking if I would reblog some of her posts in return for cash. No, wait, it wasn’t cash. She would reblog one of mine. It was a deal that I couldn’t refuse. You see, over time, I have become convinced that the Rachel Being Chatty blog is actually run by a famous comedian (Sarah Silverman perhaps?) who is workshopping new stand-up material. It’s full of brilliant stuff like this one …

Again, click this link to the Rachel Being Chatty blog for more of her observations on life. If you read and follow my blog, really reconsider the choices you have made in life, but you will definitely like to read and follow the Rachel Being Chatty blog.

Here are a few more to enjoy, and then click this link to go to the Rachel Being Chatty blog, read, and follow.

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Greek Geek Gawk

I am sad to say that one of my self-acclaimed and sometimes mildly amusing Mite Be Funny cartoons is NOT the all-time most-viewed post on this blog. It is this monstrosity …

It registers well over 3000 views, and that number continues to grow daily. If you search on Google for “maga hat mark of the best,” my post is at the top of page 2. I hesitate to post a link, but if someone is really interested in the original satirical post on Biblical/political (Biblitical?) numerology, click HERE.

In July, I added this post to disavow the original post as UTTER NONSENSE. It didn’t work. I could just kill the original post, but the views alternately entertain and terrify me. And then this comment from a reader arrived …

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Strange Things Afoot

This post is not about the popular Netflix streaming television show. I guess the featured image is a bit misleading. No, it is about the strange things happening with this blog. Views are up. Likes are up, although the bar was set low. I’m adding followers faster than people resigning from the Trump administration. I now count over 500 followers of the blog here, over 100 more who view this crap on Twitter, and I’m even adding followers on Tumblr, which I had forgotten I even had. What’s strange is that content hasn’t changed. It is still mediocre drivel. I don’t trust how this is going. I’m going to keep an eye on all of you. No funny stuff, okay? Leave that to me. You’ve been warned. And BTW, thanks for reading and following.

Hoping 2021 is Worth the Weight

Happy New Year to you all as I wrap up my Twelve Days of Blogging. When last I checked my weight in an act of public self-shaming, I had gained 2 pounds back from my summer & fall 17 pound weight loss. I hatched a crazy plan to gain less than 5 pounds per month during the 3 winter months, and I would then start Spring 2021 weighing less than last year. Even nuttier is that’s the plan I’ve decided to follow – weight gain. It’s the only plan I have. Winter weight gain is inevitable for me. The best I can do is minimize it.

I knew December would be hard. By the end of the month, my diet had turned almost exclusively to a focus on the 4 holiday food groups of cookies, chocolate, caramel, and eggnog. My workouts had faded as Christmas activities and a bathroom renovation took precedence over self-care. Unfortunately, the numbers don’t lie …

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Holiday Blogging Exhaustion

Here we are on the eleventh day of my Twelve Days of Blogging, and I’m exhausted. I think I even have a case of the blog sweats, although the sweating may be due to recent overeating or snow removal.

We got our first real snow of the season Tuesday with precipitation continuing into the night. It was light and fluffy and beautiful … at first. Who knew the temperature would rise overnight? By the time I got out to shovel at 10PM, it was raining and the snow was as heavy as and the consistency of wet cement. There was no way my snowblower could handle that, so I seriously considered my options as my middle daughter and I tackled the driveway with shovels.

This seemed like an easier option …

I’m not sure I can legally buy a flamethrower in Illinois. If I can’t, it’s good to know that I can make one using a Shop-Vac and gasoline. It’s easy. Take a look …

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Holiday Eats

Today is the eighth day of my Twelve Days of Blogging, and Christmas leftovers in the house are running low, unlike my weight because of the Christmas leftovers. It’s a vicious cycle. My wife made some special sandwiches for Christmas Eve, and I was looking forward to this on Christmas Day …

Until I saw the whole dish …

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Do I Have a Drinking Problem?

Here we are halfway through my Twelve Days of Blogging. I’ll let you do the math to figure out how many days that is. I hope you received the gifts you wanted or at least gift receipts along with the crappy ones.

I received this thoughtful gift from my oldest daughter. Now I can go around smelling like I’m stinking drunk even when I’m not.

Examine those soaps a bit closer and you will see this …

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