Flies On Washington Walls #195 – A Bipartisan Cartoon
Category: humor
Mite Be Funny #247 – Time for a Hiatus?
It’s a Family Affair
No, the title is not referring to Donald Trump’s creepy obsession with Ivanka.
Come on, who says that about their own child? I know I wouldn’t say that about any of my 3 daughters … except for the super-hot one!
All kidding aside (bad idea for a humor blog), I always wondered why Trump never attempted dating a Kennedy (and more importantly, all the Kennedy money) during the times he was between marriages. Now I think I know.
I was as perplexed as most everyone else as to why people gathered in Dallas at Dealey Plaza the other day waiting for JFK Jr to return. There were hundreds there from all over the country. Take a look.
Continue reading “It’s a Family Affair”Life in These United States
You may remember the title of this blog post as being a regular feature in the old Reader’s Digest magazine. My mother used to buy the magazine when I was a kid, and I recall reading heartwarming and funny stories about living in the USA. There have been some changes to life in the USA over the past few decades. Here’s a story about football, divorce, a pole dancer, the Jerry Springer show, and the pole dancer’s therapy monkey that attacked a child on Halloween. <deep breath> Before I ask you to click to read more, here’s a pic of the therapy monkey sipping juice to entice you to click and read on.
Yes, the dancer’s performing name is Pole Assassin.
Continue reading “Life in These United States”Grave Concerns
As an elected local government official, it irks me that every year around Halloween, unauthorized graveyards spring up in people’s yards like this one close to my church.
Then we have to enforce the local laws to get people to take them down. At least I assume that’s how it works. Because I’m a local government official who has been elected, that means I don’t do any of the actual work.
As a public service, allow me to remind you that if you have any dead bodies piling up, it’s best to dump the cadavers in the woods or in a body of water like the rest of us do. Please don’t bury them in the yard of a private residence. That could prove to be a grave mistake. Underground utility lines can often be encountered and damaged unless the grave is very shallow. Can you dig what I’m saying? Or, as an even better option, turn the bodies in to local law enforcement. I know around here, we have a “no questions asked” policy.
Hope you had a good Halloween.
Mite Be Funny #246 – Trick or Treat!
Flies On Washington Walls #194 – Halloween Canceled?
Would You Like Math With Your Burger?
A question has confounded me for the last 5 years. Can people really be dumb enough to support Donald Trump? I think I have my answer, thanks to a hamburger, which seems appropriate when speaking of Trump. Or, perhaps I should say hamberder. In case you have forgotten, click this link for a reminder of hamberder heaven.
Ah, memories. Anyway, the burger of which I speak is on the menu of a chain in the US called A&W, a franchise more famous for their root beer, which is undeniably awesome. There aren’t many A&W locations in Chicagoland, but there happens to be one about 15 minutes due south of my house. I rarely pass by without getting a root beer float.
It was the story of an A&W 1/3 pound burger meant to compete with the McDonald’s Quarter Pounder in the 1980s that gave me the answer to the Trump dilemma. I wasn’t familiar with the story until I saw this new A&W commercial.
Continue reading “Would You Like Math With Your Burger?”The Match Game
I got dressed in the dark over the weekend, and I noticed that I was wearing mismatched socks. I know that’s sort of a fashion trend for kids these days. My 13 year old daughter left for school this morning with different color socks, but for an old man like me, it’s kind of a big fashion faux pas deal. I remember being at a trade show and realizing in horror that I was wearing one sock reminiscent of a Richard Nixon brown suit paired with one in a Ronald Reagan brown suit hue. I pulled my pants down low to cover my mismatched socks and spent the day going around the trade show like this.
Nobody should have to see that. And when an old man does that, mistakes can happen.
But this past weekend, I decided to be bold and wild. I decided to wear my mismatched socks, even going to church in them. And when in a church discussion group, I crossed my legs so all could gaze upon my trendy mismatched socks. The result?
Continue reading “The Match Game”Mite Be Funny #245 – Halloween is Coming
Republicans Saved Me From Embarrassment
I had a morning coffee meeting with a local Republican government official this week. It was a beautiful morning, clear and crisp, so I decided to bike there. There was only one big problem … my masks are in my car. I was halfway there when I realized that I was maskless, and Illinois has an indoor mask mandate. Uh-oh. I began to consider what my Plan B and Plan C would be.
I decided Plan B would be for me to signal to my meeting buddy to come outside, order for me, and we’ll sit outside. Except, I couldn’t recall exactly what he looked like. That could be a problem. I knew he was an older white male. Shocker for a Republican.
Anyway, I felt like I needed a Plan C. It turned out to be this …
Continue reading “Republicans Saved Me From Embarrassment”Working the Bugs Out
I was cool with the tracking microchips in the COVID vaccine, just in case I wander off and get lost. But the aluminum aliens in the vaccine reported in a recent blog post proved too much for me. I thought it was maybe a random crazy story, which of course I blogged about as fact, but there’s even more reporting on it here.
In addition to running TruNews, which appears to be banned from most social media for some reason, Rick Wiles is an evangelical pastor! They’re not allowed to lie, right? Sure, he wants $100 million to build an end-times media empire, but who can blame him? I’d build an end-times media empire, too, if someone wanted to give me $100 million.
Anyhoo, something had to go. I know aluminum is non-magnetic, so I thought I’d focus on the microchip rather than the aluminum alien. I had seen videos of people becoming magnetized from the vaccine, so I figured that the microchips were probably the source of the magnetism. In order to find the magnetic microchip, I put spinach on my vaccinated arm. Why spinach? Duh, spinach is high in iron, and iron is magnetic. I shook my arm, and I decided the microchip was probably located in my arm where a leaf stayed (magnetically, I assume) stuck to my arm. All sounds logical, right?
My next step was to find a doctor who was an open thinker like me and willing to remove my microchip.
The operation was a success, and this is what my arm is sporting today.
Continue reading “Working the Bugs Out”Mite Be Funny #244 – Who Loves Autumn?
Riding the Weight Loss Rollercoaster
I’m very late reporting on my weight loss trials and travails for September. I shouldn’t be late with these weight loss posts as they are my most popular posts on this blog. I think it’s because despite differences in politics, religion, etc., we all share the same struggle with weight control, except for those naturally skinny people with self control who never have to exercise. Oh, I hate them so much. Anyway, here we go, better late than never.
When I last posted about weight, I was 3 lbs below my goal weight at the end of August. Success, right? Well, not exactly. September turned cool, my swimming stopped, and my body started to get ready for a winter hibernation by eating everything in sight. I immediately re-reached my goal weight from the opposite direction and shot up above it by several pounds. That’s just how my body works. It doesn’t matter that my steps were strong again in September.
Geez, wouldn’t you think I would make a little extra effort to average 10K steps? Anyway, my body’s metabolism just slows down in cooler weather, maybe to get ready for my winter hibernation? I would be willing to give hibernation a try as I like long naps. Fortunately, the weather warmed again and some of the weight came off. Right at the end of September, my weight had come down to below my goal weight again, but seemed to be heading up. I waited to see what would happen. Well, here’s what happened.
Continue reading “Riding the Weight Loss Rollercoaster”Monsters Inside Us
This appears to be big breaking news on the World Wide Interweb.
I have so many questions, including these:
Continue reading “Monsters Inside Us”Mite Be Funny #243 – Holiday Rename Game
Mad for Ads
Well, I warned you that I was considering adding ads to this trainwreck of a blog, and I finally did it yesterday. I was excited to see what advertisers would be bidding big money to get an ad on my blog. Here was the first I saw.
Oh, sure, how interesting. You know, I was considering getting myself a new CDP, whatever the hell that is. So, I had to click the ad to find out. Here’s what I found.
Continue reading “Mad for Ads”Spot On
I saw my dermatologist for one of my biannual check-ups so she can check out all my suspect spots that have developed over the past six months. As a skin cancer survivor, I take it very seriously, which is great to write about in a humor blog. Anyway, there were a few spots that concerned me. The good news is that my dermatologist dismissed almost all of them as AKs (precancers that she freezes off), SKs (harmless growths that I freeze or chemically burn off), and Special Ks. No, wait, that last one was my breakfast cereal.
But there was that one spot on my arm that neither one of us liked. We consulted with each other and agreed to take a biopsy. Fortunately, she thought it looked no worse than a basal cell carcinoma, the least dangerous of the skin cancers. And she appeared very impressed with the sebaceous cyst I lanced and drained myself. But then she dropped the news that may change the future course of my life.
Continue reading “Spot On”Dumbest. Protests. Ever.
On 2 of the last 3 weekends, I have participated in dumb political rallies & marches. Three weekends ago, I spent untold seconds working on a sign, gathered with others on one of our local bridges, and rallied support to …
Voting rights. Of all things, freakin’ voting rights, guaranteed under the Constitution. Isn’t that the dumbest thing to have to rally for? Sure, we got some support, waves, and honks. But we also got plenty of thumbs down and middle fingers. How are they against voting rights? One guy with a bunch of cameras hanging around his neck (btw, who does that anymore when phones take such excellent pics?) loped past me mouth-breathing and muttering under his breath. As he passed my sign, he sputtered, “Protect the Constitution.” I politely reminded him that voting rights were protected by the Constitution and amendments to it. And then he was off. He told me that the voting rights bills that Democrats were trying to get passed into law would allow illegal aliens to vote. I assured him that neither of the main voting rights bills being considered would allow that and suggested he read the bills. He replied, “F#@%in’ Democrats.” That’s typically how it goes. Present the opposition with facts, and the obscenities start to fly.
One other interaction stood out. As a car drove by, the driver leaned out the window and yelled, “F#@%in’ Jews.” Profane and racist. Nice combo. If we were Jews, he needs to be more careful. Doesn’t he listen to fellow conservative conspiracy crackpot Marjorie Taylor Greene with her theory about Jews having space lasers that she claims started California wildfires? Maybe those space lasers can be focused to incinerate a passing car spewing obscenities. All I need to do is give my buddy George Soros a call to get some space laser action sent my way.
That rally was dumb enough. But then this past weekend, we rallied and marched for …
Continue reading “Dumbest. Protests. Ever.”Mite Be Funny #242 – The Dangers of TV Fame
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 