Republicans Saved Me From Embarrassment

I had a morning coffee meeting with a local Republican government official this week. It was a beautiful morning, clear and crisp, so I decided to bike there. There was only one big problem … my masks are in my car. I was halfway there when I realized that I was maskless, and Illinois has an indoor mask mandate. Uh-oh. I began to consider what my Plan B and Plan C would be.

I decided Plan B would be for me to signal to my meeting buddy to come outside, order for me, and we’ll sit outside. Except, I couldn’t recall exactly what he looked like. That could be a problem. I knew he was an older white male. Shocker for a Republican.

Anyway, I felt like I needed a Plan C. It turned out to be this …

Yep, that’s a mask I spotted on the ground as I biked through an alley. And yep, I stopped and picked it up as someone watched. You’ll notice it’s not just any old ground mask, but a leopard print ground mask. I did not want to have to deploy Plan C.

Once I arrived at the coffeehouse, my fears abated a bit. Where was the “Masks Required” sign on the door? Where was the mask on the customer leaving? Oh, right, I remembered it is the Republican coffeehouse in town. The Democratic coffeehouse is about a block away. That’s how Republicans protest. They don’t organize rallies or marches. They just break the law. It’s so much easier with no tedious protest sign making. But the Republican coffeehouse’s lax enforcement of the indoor mask mandate allowed me to avoid the embarrassment of wearing a leopard print ground mask. Thanks, GOP! However, there was another issue.

I’m still not comfortable with indoor dining with Covid lingering (maybe because Republicans ignore mask mandates?), but the place was almost empty, which seems to me like a bad sign for a coffeehouse in the morning. And no wonder! I don’t drink coffee, so I ordered a hot chocolate, which tasted to me like brown water with a dollop of Cool Whip on top. Yuck. Outta my way while I rush to leave a bad Yelp review.

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