Spot On

I saw my dermatologist for one of my biannual check-ups so she can check out all my suspect spots that have developed over the past six months. As a skin cancer survivor, I take it very seriously, which is great to write about in a humor blog. Anyway, there were a few spots that concerned me. The good news is that my dermatologist dismissed almost all of them as AKs (precancers that she freezes off), SKs (harmless growths that I freeze or chemically burn off), and Special Ks. No, wait, that last one was my breakfast cereal.

But there was that one spot on my arm that neither one of us liked. We consulted with each other and agreed to take a biopsy. Fortunately, she thought it looked no worse than a basal cell carcinoma, the least dangerous of the skin cancers. And she appeared very impressed with the sebaceous cyst I lanced and drained myself. But then she dropped the news that may change the future course of my life.

She told me that she thought I missed my calling as a dermatologist. Aw, shucks. I’ll bet she says that to all her patients who burn or freeze or lance & drain things that grow on their own bodies. Come to think of it, that population may be limited to me.

I am not sure I am ready to be a full blown dermatologist. When I had a melanoma removed (don’t mess with melanomas as they will kill you), my wife described to me the size and shape of the amount removed to be like a fleshy hockey puck. Of course, it was removed from my back fat, so its size may have been artifically enhanced through my American diet. My point is that I’m not interested in the blood and gore stuff. Burning, freezing, lancing, draining? Count me in. Cutting? No thanks, too icky.

Then I got to thinking that maybe I could be a dermatologist-lite. I know I will piss off any psychologist reading this, and if you are reading this, you should probably see a psychiatrist. But I sort of think of a psychologist as a psychiatrist-lite, mainly because psychiatrists can prescribe lots of cool drugs and psychologists can’t. I know the difference between the two professions is much more nuanced that that, but that’s how people like me with simple minds look at them.

And speaking of Simple Minds, since this is becoming a wordy post, this would be a great time to take a break for a Simple Minds song on YouTube. But I’m not a fan, so let’s just press on.

Rather than a dermatologist, I’m seriously considering a career change to a lite version that I will call a dermatist. Cash only. I will check out any hinky looking skin growths and freeze/burn/lance/drain as needed. Anything more serious, and I will refer over to my dermatologist for a kickback.

There’s plenty of room in my garage to set up an exam and procedure area. What about the mess? I’m not worried. I don’t think that the patients will make it any worse. What about law enforcement? Hey, they are welcome, too. Blue Skin Matters!

I think I’ve talked myself into it. I’ll put a call into my trusted law firm of Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe to get my new dermatist practice incorporated. What do you think of Spot Off or Spot Removers for the name of the business? There is only one way I see that I don’t do this, and that would be if sales of my award-winning book pick up. Blog readers, click this link to buy my award-winning book, or the responsibility and legal liability will soon be on your shoulders when I start burning/freezing/lancing/draining patients in my garage next to my snowblower.