Life in These United States

You may remember the title of this blog post as being a regular feature in the old Reader’s Digest magazine. My mother used to buy the magazine when I was a kid, and I recall reading heartwarming and funny stories about living in the USA. There have been some changes to life in the USA over the past few decades. Here’s a story about football, divorce, a pole dancer, the Jerry Springer show, and the pole dancer’s therapy monkey that attacked a child on Halloween. <deep breath> Before I ask you to click to read more, here’s a pic of the therapy monkey sipping juice to entice you to click and read on.

Yes, the dancer’s performing name is Pole Assassin.

But allow me to back up a bit before we move forward to paint the grand picture of life in these United States today.

The boyfriend of Pole Assassin is Jeff Banks, an assistant football coach at the University of Texas.

He seems nondescript. American football is as beloved in the USA as apple pie and lemonade. Who can fault Coach Banks for leaving the University of Alabama to go coach at the U of TX to try and better himself?

Well, maybe his wife (now ex) and kids that he left behind, allegedly to be with Pole Assassin, also known these days as Dani Banks. Here she is from a few years back on the Jerry Springer show.

She is undeniably awesome on that pole. I see the Springer show episode appeared to be titled “Be My Baby Donor.” I’m not sure if Jeff Banks answered that call, but Jeff and Dani appear to cohabitate these days. In fact, Jeff Banks was originally erroneously identified as the owner of the monkey that attacked a child on Halloween. Nope, that monkey is an emotional support monkey owned by Dani. Oh, not only emotional support, but performance support as they sometimes share the stage and pole.

It appears that there was a haunted house/maze hosted by Dani and Jeff on Halloween. A kid allegedly snuck back where Gia the support monkey lives and was bitten. But who knows? Dani tweeted this before deleting her account …

“I had a haunted house on one side gated off/ he had no permission to go pass (sic) the gate i had no idea he went in my back yard. neither did i know anything about a bite ! Until a doctor of neighborhood told me the treat a small bite. No parent have contacted me about it !”

I’m not sure where this story will go. Will the kid get rabies? Will Gia the monkey get rabies? I mean, this story is from Texas where it appears nobody needs to get vaccinated against anything. Will this story boost Pole Assassin’s career? Would Jeff Banks like this story to go away, especially in the middle of the college football season? I think you can “Banks” on that.

Another thing you can bank on is getting yuks, giggles, and even a few chortles from reading my award-winning book of short stories about the afterlife. Click HERE to check it out and order for under a buck!


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