Life in These United States

You may remember the title of this blog post as being a regular feature in the old Reader’s Digest magazine. My mother used to buy the magazine when I was a kid, and I recall reading heartwarming and funny stories about living in the USA. There have been some changes to life in the USA over the past few decades. Here’s a story about football, divorce, a pole dancer, the Jerry Springer show, and the pole dancer’s therapy monkey that attacked a child on Halloween. <deep breath> Before I ask you to click to read more, here’s a pic of the therapy monkey sipping juice to entice you to click and read on.

Yes, the dancer’s performing name is Pole Assassin.

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Mask Mandate for my Masked Man-Date

I was invited to the Chicago Bears home opener this coming Sunday by a rich friend that takes pity on me from time to time and invites me to various sporting events to sit in very good seats and eat very good food. I was flattered by the man-date invite, but also torn and took a day to make the decision. On the one hand, I want to go to the game and don’t want the man-date invites to stop. On the other hand, COVID! I would be one of 60,000 plus people in Soldier Field in Chicago on Sunday. I really wasn’t sure of what to do.

I was leaning toward going, but maybe upgrading my choice of mask. There is now a mask mandate in Chicago, so I would need to mask up when I’m in enclosed areas at the stadium. I thought I should get one of the fancy N95 or KN95 masks for upgraded protection over my normal cloth or surgical mask.

I met a couple much less rich friends for brunch on the day I needed to make the decision about going. One of my friends told me that he went to two Chicago White Sox baseball games unmasked, and it was fine. Still, I felt I needed a sign, and boy, did I ever get one.

As we were walking in the parking lot, I looked down, and this is the sign I spotted.

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Are You Ready for Some Football? My Wife is.

My wife likes American football. Her favorite team is our hometown Chicago Bears. Go Bears!

Chicago Bear

BTW, that’s not her. But she really wants the NFL to hold a season this year. The NBA and NHL have sort of figured out how to finish their truncated 2019-2020 seasons despite the COVID-19 coronavirus. Major League Baseball is still struggling with how to hold a season. My wife doesn’t care about those sports. She just wants the NFL season to go on as scheduled. It’s not that she’s such a football fanatic. It’s because of this beauty …

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Emasculation Conversation

I feel so emasculated, but any emasculating done was self-emasculation. I love football, but had ZERO interest in watching the college football National Championship game on Monday night. I rated these 4 TV events as “must see,” well above the college football game.

1)  Jeopardy Greatest of all Time finale. I was rooting for James since he is from the Chicago suburbs, but all props to Ken as Jeopardy GOAT. I felt sorry for badly overmatched Brad until hearing he is a multi-millionaire thanks to Jeopardy. Boo-hoo. And he won another $250K for being bad. Geesch.

2) Tonight’s Rachel Maddow interview with indicted Trump associate Lev Parnas. I expect a lot of “no comments” from Lev’s attorney, but I hope Rachel elicits a juicy tidbit or two.

3) Last night’s Rachel Maddow dissection of the Lev Parnas document drop showing just how mobbed-up the Trump crime family is.

4) The Democratic debate. I thought they all did well and nobody did terrible. Yawn. They are all so much better than Trump. Sounds like a new blog post on Winnowing the Candidates is overdue.

And then, the LSU-Clemson (I hope I got the teams right) game checks in. Oh, I forgot that Seinfeld rerun I watched. And Trump and Melanoma wearing a raincoat were at the indoor football game. Football just got bumped from my Top 5.

Football Frenzy

My fantasy football season was a disaster this year. My excuse is that I was so distracted by the mid-term elections and the need to elect a Democratic Congress, that my early season effort and concentration suffered. Thanks Obama, for not running for a third term. But I have enjoyed the resurgence of the Chicago Bears as they won the NFC North this season.

chicago bears

I get all choked up about it as I type this as will Bears fans that read this.

Sportswriters Todd Pork Chop

Or maybe it was just a pork chop. I don’t know. I do know I never expected the Bears to be this good. To amuse myself during the football season in case the Bears have a bad team, I play other football games like Pick ‘Em games where you just try and pick the winners of each game each week. I normally do okay in those games, and I usually just hope to win a weekly prize. My dreams got a little bigger this last week of the football regular season. Take a look at these standings.

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