My COVID Diet

I’ve delayed writing this post for a month now. I know what you’re thinking … I should have made it 2 months. But I finally feel comfortable writing it now for reasons I will soon disclose.

But first, even though most of my blog posts are considered uproariously hilarious by the general public, and members of General Public, I want to make it perfectly clear that I take the COVID-19 coronavirus seriously. I got tested after participating in BLM marches. I social distance. I WEAR A FREAKIN’ MASK. You should, too. COVID-19 goes hand-in-hand with Donald Trump as the scourge of my lifetime.

But thanks to COVID-19, I have lost weight. I’ll explain …

Once America woke-up to COVID-19, state shutdowns started in March. Illinois, where I live, was one such state that shut down. My small medical equipment business went silent in April with about 15% of normal sales revenue.

You may be thinking it’s obvious why I lost weight. No sales = no income = no food. That’s part of it. I certainly started to eat less and made sure no food went to waste.

But I also didn’t have anything to do. I’d sit all day, send emails, and wait for orders. Few came. And so, I walked. More and more each day. Here’s how it looks month-by-month as far as average steps in a day.

Part of the walking was due to convincing myself that we didn’t have money to buy food. As I walked, I foraged daily for berries starting in May, and as a result I have enjoyed fresh mulberries, black raspberries, blackberries, and gooseberries all summer.

By mid-June, I was down 10 lbs. Who knew diet and exercise could result in weight loss? But would it last? There was a Father’s Day celebration where I inhaled pizza like Trump snorts Adderall. And there was cake. There was my youngest daughter’s birthday. And there was cake. I wanted cake. This song sums up perfectly how I feel about cake. The weight loss was unsustainable. I would be back up to blubbery in no time. Except … it didn’t happen.

Another month has passed, and I am now down 13 total lbs. Am I really the first person ever to link weight loss to diet and exercise? Why wasn’t I told that such a thing was possible?

If I can lose 10 more lbs, I will be down to a weight I haven’t seen in 10 years since I was on the Atkin’s Diet. So … Much … Meat. I didn’t sweat. I oozed cholesterol. I was slimmer, but not healthy. I remember being described as gaunt. I want to be gaunt again, except gaunt and healthy, so if someone calls me gaunt, I can call them a name and run away.

In June, I added some biking to the walking, so some of those steps on the graph are actually cranks of the pedals. And thanks to the hot summer weather, I have added swimming laps daily in our pool in lieu of showering. By the way, you’re all welcome to come for a swim anytime.

I’ll let you know if I get down to gaunt by the end of summer. Then the challenge will be to maintain that weight loss all winter. But, one thing at a time. 10 more lbs first. I want to be Mr. Gaunt.