I’m not saying that I continue to feel the need for significant social distancing due to the COVID-19 coronavirus, but I still get nervous if I get too close to a mirror.
BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump announces plans for a second rally in Tulsa to commemorate the life of former presidential candidate Herman Cain who caught COVID-19 coronavirus at the first Trump Tulsa rally and passed away.
I’ve delayed writing this post for a month now. I know what you’re thinking … I should have made it 2 months. But I finally feel comfortable writing it now for reasons I will soon disclose.
But first, even though most of my blog posts are considered uproariously hilarious by the general public, and members of General Public, I want to make it perfectly clear that I take the COVID-19 coronavirus seriously. I got tested after participating in BLM marches. I social distance. I WEAR A FREAKIN’ MASK. You should, too. COVID-19 goes hand-in-hand with Donald Trump as the scourge of my lifetime.
But thanks to COVID-19, I have lost weight. I’ll explain …
No, I’m not talking about the government-ordered shutdown of businesses. I miss going to concerts and sports this year, but come on, let’s flatten the COVID-19 coronavirus curve.
No, I’m not talking about government-mandated mask wearing. If you don’t wear a mask, you’re an idiot. Hmm, let me restate that so you idiots will understand better. If you don’t wear a mask, your an idiot. Subtle, but appropriate difference.
No, I’m not talking about the government planning to inject us with tracking microchips included with the new COVID-19 vaccine. I’m ready for that.
The government won’t let me have any of this …
I’m confused, as regular readers of this blog already know. Here’s what currently has my head spinning.
- The QAnon conspiracy folks love Trump.
- The QAnon conspiracy folks think the COVID-19 coronavirus is a hoax.
- The QAnon conspiracy folks think the COVID-19 coronavirus vaccine will inject tracking microchips into us. They are definitely anti-vax for COVID-19.
- Donald Trump keeps promising (likely lying) that a COVID-19 coronavirus vaccine will be available by the end of the year.
- The QAnon conspiracy folks continue to love Trump.
My head hurts. Please explain.
Here is my recipe for this smoothie.
- Banana (overripe is better for a sweeter result)
- Red Grapes
- Green Grapes
- Black Raspberries
- Cherries (pitted, of course)
- Add a splash of milk (cow, almond, etc.) for blendability.
Any quantity of any of those ingredients is fine. Any fruit-to-fruit substitution for any ingredient is allowed. Basically, anything goes as long as you are not substituting beef jerky for one of the ingredients. And, NO ADDED SUGAR ALLOWED!
The result? This …
My wife likes American football. Her favorite team is our hometown Chicago Bears. Go Bears!
BTW, that’s not her. But she really wants the NFL to hold a season this year. The NBA and NHL have sort of figured out how to finish their truncated 2019-2020 seasons despite the COVID-19 coronavirus. Major League Baseball is still struggling with how to hold a season. My wife doesn’t care about those sports. She just wants the NFL season to go on as scheduled. It’s not that she’s such a football fanatic. It’s because of this beauty …
I retired our pool liner last year. It had gotten brittle over several seasons of use (I can relate) and had started springing leaks (I can also relate) that I was patching. I figured there would be no problem purchasing a replacement liner for a 4 year old pool. Boy, was I wrong (I relate too often).
Apparently, my old pool liner was a death trap because of only 1 filter intake line. That design was deemed unsafe for some reason, discontinued, and replaced with a dual filter intake line. So, I couldn’t get the replacement liner I needed. The simple solution seemed to be to just buy a complete new pool. Nope, that was also not an option.
Due to the COVID-19 coronavirus, pools are in short supply. And when I found one like my old $350 pool, they were priced over $1000. A discount grocery store near us advertised a reasonably-priced pool, and people were lined-up at 6AM waiting for the store to open at 9AM to get a pool. Back to the replacement liner option for me.
By studying replacement part lists for the various styles of pools from the manufacturer, I decided that by enlarging holes using the precision of a brain surgeon (I cannot relate) and slapping a patch on another hole, I could make a current model pool liner fit the hardware from our old pool and make the filter system a death trap again. Except … pool liners are in short supply. I calculated that by adding cable ties and duct tape, I may be able to make a random liner from another model of pool fit the hardware from our old pool. That was a sketchy plan at best, especially when I accidentally ordered a 15 foot liner rather than the 16 footer that I needed.
I could sense something was wrong as I was assembling the pool. It didn’t seem quite right (I can relate). I got to almost the end, there were leftover parts, and the pool hardware wouldn’t fit. I cut down and drilled one of the metal parts, and voilà …
Not only do I have a 15 foot pool, but it seems sturdier than the original 16 footer. As a bonus, I did not have to use duct tape and now have a couple spare metal parts.
It looked great. I was ready to enjoy it and get some exercise. Only 352 laps to a mile! But then, the weather got chilly. Oh, and I got cancer. I’ll explain … about the cancer part. You should be able to figure out the chilly weather part yourself.
I ventured out early morning today to the grocery store. Every grocery trip is a death-defying experience in the Age of Covid-19. The store I chose used to be open 24/7/365. Now it opens at 8AM per the guard at the north entrance. Yep, that’s what I read on the sign behind him. He told me I could wait in line. It was 6AM. I chose to walk back to my car past the south entrance where I was told by the guard there that I could walk right in. I’m guessing he recognized me from this blog as a major social media influencer. He probably feared that I could shut down their regional chain of 242 stores with one bad review on this blog.
I returned home as a hero, primarily because of this treasure I had plundered from the store …
This Kansas man has been ruled “not insane.”
That’s right, he’s not insane despite filing a trial by battle request in an Iowa court to fight a duel with swords with his ex-wife or her attorney to settle a child custody suit and to “rend their souls from their (corporeal) bodies.” Well, what man hasn’t wanted to duel with his ex and especially her attorney? I’ve had dreams of dueling with my ex’s lawyer that go something like this.
In addition to not being insane, he claims his ex-wife and her attorney are the crazy ones. Full story HERE in the Des Moines Register.
But this next guy may want to hold off on the scrubbing.
I never want to find out that I have or had COVID-19 coronavirus, but am asymptomatic. I think that would only further fuel my delusions of immortality.
I think the only part of this COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic I will miss is the smell of hand sanitizer masking the evidence of my day-drinking.
I came upon this brand new sign at our local park, most likely as part of the COVID-19 coronavirus shutdown of all park equipment and features.
Somehow I think I’ll be able to comply. I’m going to put away my toboggan for the season. And that’s not a euphemism!
I’m not feeling very funny today with the passing of folk-country-rock legend (at least round these parts he is) John Prine due to the COVID-19 coronavirus. He was a mailman from the Chicago suburbs and may very well have delivered mail to my house when I was a kid. Let’s go with that story. He did. I feel better with that connection.
I only saw him in concert once. That was the first of many concerts my wife and I have seen together, but only once to see John Prine. That’s okay. It makes it very special. He was a cancer survivor – twice. His body and voice suffered a bit in recent years from the results of the cancer as well as the cure, but he continued to write good music. He was the best lyricist I have ever known. Bob Dylan wrote wonderful lyrics about sprawling stories like “Hurricane” and “Tangled up in Blue.” John Prine wrote personal, intimate lyrics about people that touch your heart and soul.
So, here comes my John Prine tribute post. Click to read more about this amazing musician.
After a successful hike in the woods on Wednesday, I returned for a longer COVID-19 coronavirus therapy hike on a different trail yesterday. It was just me and Lola the dog yesterday. My daughter was too tired to hike after playing some backyard badminton. Is that possible, getting tired from casual badminton when you’re 11 years old?
On Wednesday, we may have stumbled upon our future forever home. If that doesn’t work out, Lola and I found a potentially less expensive, albeit smaller, place we could call home.
And then we discovered what I though could be the most important archaeological find of the 21st century to date. Dinosaur bones or maybe teeth? Take a look and decide what you see.
My wife and I are considering downsizing our home. She watches the home shows and elbows me in the ribs so I can see people buying dumps and flipping them into their forever homes. But for now, we still have 5 people living in the house. How can I encourage children to leave so we can downsize? Anyway, we are scouting out possible areas to relocate.
In order to keep what is left of my sanity during this COVID-19 coronavirus, I have taken to walking in the woods. I dragged our dog and youngest daughter along yesterday.
That’s our dog, not my daughter for those of you who are species-challenged. It was good to walk the hills and hear the frogs croaking in the wetlands. And then we stumbled upon what may be our future dream home that just needs a little flipping magic.
Some people were shocked that Trump rolled out the My Pillow guy, Mike Lindell, during the COVID-19 coronavirus press conference yesterday.
Not me. Let’s see, what is on the My Pillow guy’s resume?
- Admitted ocaine & crack user from late 80s through the 2000s.
- Prior to starting the drugs, he had accumulated several DWIs for alcohol abuse.
- Owed the mafia tens of thousands of dollars due to gambling debts. Paid off his gambling debts by gambling sober for a while and winning.
- Multiple bankruptcies to his name.
- Divorced in 2008.
- First arrest for domestic assault in 2008. Order of protection was given to his alleged victim.
- Second arrest just a couple months later for violating that order of protection. He pleaded guilty to this charge and the assualt charge was dismissed.
- Third arrest in 2008 was for passing bad checks. Charges were dropped when he agreed to pay restitution.
- Late in 2008, his drug dealers staged an intervention on his behalf.
- Second divorce in 2013 after a 1 month marriage.
- He agreed to pay a one million dollar settlement in 2016 for fraudulent health claims related to My Pillow.
- Better Business Bureau lowers its rating for My Pillow to F in 2017.
- He received an honorary doctorate from Jerry Falwell Jr’s Liberty University in 2019. Yes, the same Liberty University that just reopened and is spreading the COVID-19 coronavirus amongst students.
Mike Lindell is perfect to stand with Trump. Both have been drug users, criminals, and continue to be grifters. Do not buy any My Pillow product.
What I was pleasantly surprised at was the unveiling of the new Abbott COVID-19 coronavirus test.
Abbott Labs has passed the test in this time of crisis. Thanks to Abbott for stepping-up. However, when Trump unveiled the new Abbott test, he failed miserably.
This Australian scientist, Dr. Daniel Reardon, tried to invent a device that keeps us from touching our faces during this coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic. His reward?
A visit to the hospital, magnets stuck in his nose, and a magnet down his throat. For full story details, Click HERE.
Here’s his hospital info upon discharge …
I think the last line is telling … Denies further magnets. I don’t blame him. He nose better now.
Many musical artists are releasing live versions of some of their songs during this coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic. Here’s a twist. Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day just released this cover of a Tommy James & the Shondells hit. I like the vibe. Take a listen.
I think we’re alone now, indeed. He recorded this in his bedroom, a place where a lot of us are spending more time. At least we have some new music to keep us company. Thanks, Billie Joe.
Healthcare workers and hospitals need masks. They are desperate for any masks to protect themselves and patients from the COVID-19 coronavirus. Fo NOT use this one though.
A dear friend sent me instructions on how to make my own masks from old cotton tee shirts. Seemed like too much work for me when my old cotton underwear could work just as well. First, I tried this look with a pair of boxers and a shoelace …
Despite a late start, it looks like the USA is #1 once again. Yay?
I was going to start 2020 with the Top 10 List in this post below. And then I thought, “No, let’s not start 2020 with a classless post. Let’s stay classy and have a great 2020.” Well, you know that’s a pipe dream now with the COVID-19 coronavirus crashing our 2020 party. I’m currently eating corn on the cob for breakfast so we have cobs available for when we run out of toilet paper, and I’ll soon head out to collect filth for our dinner tonight.
And what do watch as we eat another filth casserole for dinner? Netflix is so strained that all we can get to stream without constant buffering is a documentary on the Republicans race to the White House in 2008. You know what that means? You betcha’ … more Sarah Palin.
So, it has come to this. The Top 10 list I didn’t want to use in 2020 follows. Sorry.
Top 10 Hair to Transplant to my Head
I took a drive yesterday for business purposes. I headed west to a town called Mendota in north central Illinois. Mendota is not a particularly pretty town, or maybe it was just the rainy day that made it appear a bit bleak and rundown. But it looked like any other town in any part of the Rust Belt in the USA. And it was comforting.
First, the COVID-19 coronavirus had not started infecting people in the area yet. I still took extreme precautions as I was out and about. It wasn’t a good business call. My appointment hated the product I presented.
While out, I carefully explored some stores out west. I found toilet paper in Mendota. 2 pack limit, but plenty on the shelf. I remember that time in America when clean butts were a given. As I headed home, I stopped in Earlville and found ramen noodles on a store shelf. Amazing discovery. Another nostalgic blast from America’s past. I grabbed some and arrived home to be hailed as a returning hero with a bounty of both toilet paper and ramen.
As I got back into my town, I stopped at a local store for some frozen veggies to throw in with the ramen I had scored. But first I peeked. Still no toilet paper. No ramen noodles. But worse, no frozen veggies except for …. brussel sprouts. Ew. I grudgingly purchased the last bag in the freezer.
I felt some guilt as I made ramen noodles last night. Perhaps I should save them for possible grimmer times ahead. I have no return trips to Mendota or Earlville planned, thankfully. I did discover that brussel sprouts are palatable in small doses. I enjoyed that bowl of ramen noodles. It reminded me of an America I once knew.
I know one of the symptoms of the COVID-19 coronavirus is a dry cough. These days, whenever I cough, I celebrate if I can hear, feel, or see phlegm as a result of the cough. So far, so good.
As for this woman …
She needs to be tested. I hope she’s not in the USA. Lotsa luck getting tested if she is.
I’m desperately trying to lose weight during this COVID-19 coronavirus crisis. It’s not so much about conserving our family’s precious food supplies. It’s more about becoming a less attractive target for when the cannibalism begins.
Almost all sporting events have been canceled. I guess that’s one way to cure my sports gambling addiction. Wanna bet on that?
I hear that the Olympics may also be canceled. I think that may be smart, and it opens up a unique opportunity for all of us to make our own Olympics. I love watching the explosiveness of the 100 meter dash. So why not participate?
Maybe add some hurdles in to exemplify the hurdles and obstacles we encounter in life, like the COVID-19 coronavirus.
Perhaps you favor the distance races.
I’m starting to think that choosing raw tuna sushi as my stock-up food during the COVID-19 coronavirus crisis was a bad decision.
Schools are closed. Bars and restaurants are supposed to close at the end of business today. Hey, what about restaurants that are open 24/7? Do they have to abide by the ban if they don’t close today? Food and paper products are in short supply. I know my family is debating if they should eat me now while I am still fat in order to conserve the rest of the food in the house.
I took matters into my own hands last night at 10PM as I went out to feed. Just to clarify, I pretty much self-quarrantine every winter after dark. Last night I felt like I had been turned into a coronavirus zombie, going out after dark to feed when there would be no lines. Oops, I was an hour early. It turns out that many others had the same idea around 10PM. I kept to myself, huddled in a fetal position on a barren shelf in the canned vegetable aisle next to a solitary can of okra until the crowd cleared a bit by 11PM.
This is one of the first sights that greeted me when I walked in …
Now that we are in the grip of the coronavirus, I find myself starting to hoard food and toilet paper from my family.
Am I a bad guy?
I pushed an old lady out of the way today so I could buy the last package of toilet paper left on the shelf due to the coronavirus panic-buying with the money I took from the Children’s Cancer contribution container on the way in. But it’s all good because as Trump says, “I don’t take responsibility at all.”
Well, this was a lovely, mish-mash of a jumbled post. But you get the picture. Donald Trump will always take full credit for anything good that happens, but never take any blame or responsibility for anything bad. Ever.
My friend mentioned he was working on social distancing to protect himself against the coronavirus. People (especially women) have understandably been social distancing me my whole life, so I think I’m safe.
Now that the coronavirus has hit our local area, the stock-up has begun. We drink our tap water, so we don’t need to stock-up on that. I could survive off my winter blubber for months, so at least I don’t need to stock-up on food. My wife did decide to stock-up on toilet paper.
She was a bit disappointed that I wasn’t more excited about that. Am I supposed to be using that stuff? I thought that was more of an extravagence that the ladies use. Oh well, I guess I can learn.
Well, at least we see some benefit from the coronavirus.
And yes, these are actual, real crucifixions. Here’s what one of the crucified (crucifiee?) has to say …
The Trump Administration promised 1 million coronavirus test kits by this weekend. I complain a lot about Trump, but this time, I have to give credit where credit is due. They delivered, big time. Coronavirus tests, anyone?
Thanks to @Tarquin_Helmet on Twitter for this brilliant one.
Having been raised Catholic, I wanted to visit Lourdes to solve my acne problems of adolescence. I was convinced that just one face-washing in the healing water of Lourdes would zap my zits. But now this news article …
Shouldn’t we be bringing coronavirus patients to Lourdes to bathe them? Apparently, there’s not only iron, but irony in the waters of Lourdes. Oh well, back to drinking bleach.