Motivation Recalibration

I had slipped into a summer exercise routine that felt as comfortable as my fat pants with the stretch waistband after about 20 wearings without a washing. I would get up early and take a long solo walk or bike ride. Most days I would stop at one of the many wild berry patches I had scouted and pick fresh mulberries, raspberries, or blackberries for my consumption that day. After work, I would walk the dog and swim some laps in our little pool. Then the weather started to change. We had a stretch of rain and cold. No cycling for a week. I took down the pool before it turned into an above ground ice skating rink. So much for my swimming workouts. I immediately started to gain back the weight I had lost. My quest for a 20 lb. weight loss seemed unattainable.

But then, one man inspired and motivated me to try and make that weight loss happen. Who, you ask? I’m pretty sure I heard someone ask. Come on, raise your hand if it was you asking. Nobody, huh? Regardless, that man is …

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Signs of the Time

Every 2 years, signs sprout up in our yard. The crop is good this year.

I couldn’t help but notice that I have unintentionally arranged the signs like a middle school dance – girls on one side and boys on the other. It’s certainly not a special shrine to Joe Biden like the one that I saw when I biked through our old neighborhood.

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Overcoming Adversity vs Giant Shit Show

At the Democratic National Convention last week, Joe Biden pulled out the stuttering handicap he overcame for all to see. Apparently, he helps and mentors stutterers he meets in his travels. A young stuttering teen named Brayden spoke on Biden’s behalf at the convention. Here’s the first meeting between Biden & Brayden.

No, I’m not crying. I think I have something in my eye that must have punctured my eyeball and is causing it to ooze.

That’s all well and good, but what about Trump’s handicap? No, not the textbook narcissism. He overcame bone spurs. BONE SPURS! They sound very boney and spurry. But he overcame them so well, that he can now do this …

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Park that Ford on the Bench

About a year and a half ago, I named my all-President basketball team. My line-up:

  • Barack Obama at point guard
  • Dwight Eisenhower at shooting guard
  • George H.W. Bush at small forward
  • Gerald Ford at power forward
  • Abraham Lincoln at center

But then I saw this new painting that some pro-Trump painter is currently hawking online.

Trump Painting Presidents

Gross. I have so many questions …

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Good Brains!

I saw on Twitter a lot of this page from the mental health acuity test that Donald Trump is claiming he “aced.”

MOCA-Test-English

I figured that was just one of many pages of this test. Trump explained to Fox’s Chris Wallace that the last five questions were particularly difficult. But I was shocked when I looked closer at that one page.

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Spam Much?

I signed-up for Trump’s NH rally that was ultimately canceled. I didn’t plan to go, but I wanted to see what they would do with my email. Spam bomb time and all very grifty. This is a perfect example …

emailtrump11

Hmmm, for $20 I get a FREE yard sign. I don’t think they understand how FREE works.

But what if you have more money to spend on FREE merchandise and want to be more welcoming to other Trump supporters? Then this next offer is for you, but act quickly.

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My COVID Diet

I’ve delayed writing this post for a month now. I know what you’re thinking … I should have made it 2 months. But I finally feel comfortable writing it now for reasons I will soon disclose.

But first, even though most of my blog posts are considered uproariously hilarious by the general public, and members of General Public, I want to make it perfectly clear that I take the COVID-19 coronavirus seriously. I got tested after participating in BLM marches. I social distance. I WEAR A FREAKIN’ MASK. You should, too. COVID-19 goes hand-in-hand with Donald Trump as the scourge of my lifetime.

But thanks to COVID-19, I have lost weight. I’ll explain …

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Disturbing Stats

I have found that the most popular blog posts I write involve food, travel, health & exercise. Everyone (including me!) is tired of political posts. We all know Trump is awful, and while you’ve been reading this sentence, he’s now done another terrible thing which is blah, blah, blah. I find that I need to write some political posts for personal cathartic reasons, and they barely get noticed … except for my post titled “It All Adds Up to the Mark of the Beast.” If you don’t recall it (And why would you? It was eminently forgettable), go ahead, click the link, and take a look. It’s number rubbish, because I’m a math geek, but I happened to notice a disturbing trend for that months-old post …

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Unfair Government Control!

No, I’m not talking about the government-ordered shutdown of businesses. I miss going to concerts and sports this year, but come on, let’s flatten the COVID-19 coronavirus curve.

No, I’m not talking about government-mandated mask wearing. If you don’t wear a mask, you’re an idiot. Hmm, let me restate that so you idiots will understand better. If you don’t wear a mask, your an idiot. Subtle, but appropriate difference.

No, I’m not talking about the government planning to inject us with tracking microchips included with the new COVID-19 vaccine. I’m ready for that.

Tin_foil_hat_2

The government won’t let me have any of this …

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Questioning QAnon

I’m confused, as regular readers of this blog already know. Here’s what currently has my head spinning.

  • The QAnon conspiracy folks love Trump.
  • The QAnon conspiracy folks think the COVID-19 coronavirus is a hoax.
  • The QAnon conspiracy folks think the COVID-19 coronavirus vaccine will inject tracking microchips into us. They are definitely anti-vax for COVID-19.
  • Donald Trump keeps promising (likely lying) that a COVID-19 coronavirus vaccine will be available by the end of the year.
  • The QAnon conspiracy folks continue to love Trump.

My head hurts. Please explain.

Game Time!

Let’s play a game. One of these people is not like the others. Can you identify the person in this pic not accused (yet) of a sexual crime?

Sex Assaulters

HINT: The person not accused (yet) of a sexual crime is the one that looks high as a kite.

HINT: The silent “s” in Ghislaine stands for sex.

HINT: The men pictured are both sexual deviants.

Thank you for playing.

 

Buy Bargain Book

The blockbuster novella I published earlier this year called My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President is for sale this weekend for under $1. Use this link to buy a digital copy you can read on a PC, Mac, iPhone, Android phone, or Kindle tablet for just $0.99 … https://tinyurl.com/BuyTwinBook. All proceeds will be donated to local Democratic candidates.

The NY Times Book Review noted, “This is one of the most powerful books of 2020.” They weren’t talking about the book I published, but my book does have reviews. How about this one?

“A witty story that combines humor, satire, and astute observations of our current political reality. Connects the absurd with contemporary issues, providing the reader with an unexpected, humorous, and thought-provoking perspective of modern times. Well written and engaging from cover to cover. Highly recommended!” Who needs the NY Times Book Review when you have a review like that on Amazon?

Now if you don’t intend to purchase, I need to introduce you to the illustrator.

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As I headed out this morning, I noticed this stuck to the side of my car.

Feathers

It looks like it could be from a bird hitting the side of my car. I hope not for a couple reasons. First, the poor bird! But also, the car is a lease. I’m praying there’s no dent under those feathers. I don’t want to try and explain to the insurance company.

I’m hoping it was not a bird accident but rather a voodoo curse. Not that I want to be cursed, although after 3 & 1/2 years of the Trump administration, it may not seem so bad. But if someone around town here is laying voodoo curses on people, I may have some business I could swing their way.

Unsocial Media

I was so excited when I received the notification that a couple comments were made in response to one of my older blog posts. My blog posts don’t elicit many comments. I don’t blame you readers. I make it a point not to comment on anyone’s blog who is so obviously mentally ill. But finally, I was getting the conversation started. The excitement lasted until I read the comment …

Blog Comment 1

So many questions filled my head:

  1. Did their auto-correct change “ray of sunshine” to “piece of shit?”
  2. Why is my name not capitalized and enclosed by quotation marks? Am I not Jim?
  3. Why did Kim end the comment so politely? Maybe because of #1 above?
  4. Is Kim a disgruntled male with weapons or a hot female who is stalking me? Uh, asking for a friend.

Of course, I’m no stranger to nasty comments as I regularly navigate the waters of Twitter while throwing out anti-Trump chum. At least this comment from Kim Nho didn’t include a wrestling challenge like this Twitter throwdown from Texas Senator Ted Cruz …

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The Three Amigos

There are people everywhere appalled at this pic.

3 presidents

Not me. I see a couple obvious common threads. First one:

  • Lincoln freed the slaves.
  • Reagan freed the rich from taxation.
  • Trump freed Republicans from common sense.

But the one that really jumps out at me is …

  • Lincoln was assassinated.
  • Reagan survived an attempted assassination.
  • Trump is trying to assassinate himself through the use of hydroxychloroquine and refusal to wear a mask.

My only advice is … try harder.

It All Adds Up to the Mark of the Beast

A very learned, scholarly friend sent this to me.

MAGA Hat Bible

I summarily dismissed it as a clever meme, but utter nonsense. And then I took a closer look at the numbers using ancient secrets of numerology. My eyes were opened.

First, I assigned numbers to M A G A according to their position in the alphabet.

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Why Do Republicans Support Trump? Mystery Solved!

Why Republicans support Trump has confounded me over the past 4 years. Seemingly intelligent family and friends blindly follow Trump regardless of what idiocy he spouts or does. It is truly bewildering. But I’ve finally solved the mystery, thanks to Facebook.

I noticed this Facebook challenge that one of my Facebook friends did.

Triangle D

That Facebook friend is a staunch Democrat, hence the blue D. Okay, I’ll admit it. 24 is not the correct answer. There are 18 triangles. How can I be sure? I used to be a math major in college, I’m an annoying smarty-pants, and in my spare time, I enjoy looking at brightly colored geometric shapes for hours on end. 18 is the correct answer.

Now take a look at how a loyal Republican answered.

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Trump Fails Another Test

Some people were shocked that Trump rolled out the My Pillow guy, Mike Lindell, during the COVID-19 coronavirus press conference yesterday.

mypillow-main-foxnews-810x610

Not me. Let’s see, what is on the My Pillow guy’s resume?

  • Admitted ocaine & crack user from late 80s through the 2000s.
  • Prior to starting the drugs, he had accumulated several DWIs for alcohol abuse.
  • Owed the mafia tens of thousands of dollars due to gambling debts. Paid off his gambling debts by gambling sober for a while and winning.
  • Multiple bankruptcies to his name.
  • Divorced in 2008.
  • First arrest for domestic assault in 2008. Order of protection was given to his alleged victim.
  • Second arrest just a couple months later for violating that order of protection. He pleaded guilty to this charge and the assualt charge was dismissed.
  • Third arrest in 2008 was for passing bad checks. Charges were dropped when he agreed to pay restitution.
  • Late in 2008, his drug dealers staged an intervention on his behalf.
  • Second divorce in 2013 after a 1 month marriage.
  • He agreed to pay a one million dollar settlement in 2016 for fraudulent health claims related to My Pillow.
  • Better Business Bureau lowers its rating for My Pillow to F in 2017.
  • He received an honorary doctorate from Jerry Falwell Jr’s Liberty University in 2019. Yes, the same Liberty University that just reopened and is spreading the COVID-19 coronavirus amongst students.

Mike Lindell is perfect to stand with Trump. Both have been drug users, criminals, and continue to be grifters. Do not buy any My Pillow product.

What I was pleasantly surprised at was the unveiling of the new Abbott COVID-19 coronavirus test.

abbot

Abbott Labs has passed the test in this time of crisis. Thanks to Abbott for stepping-up. However, when Trump unveiled the new Abbott test, he failed miserably.

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DIY Masks

Healthcare workers and hospitals need masks. They are desperate for any masks to protect themselves and patients from the COVID-19 coronavirus. Fo NOT use this one though.

Trump mask

Too scary.

A dear friend sent me instructions on how to make my own masks from old cotton tee shirts. Seemed like too much work for me when my old cotton underwear could work just as well. First, I tried this look with a pair of boxers and a shoelace …

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Responsibility is for Suckers

I pushed an old lady out of the way today so I could buy the last package of toilet paper left on the shelf due to the coronavirus panic-buying with the money I took from the Children’s Cancer contribution container on the way in. But it’s all good because as Trump says, “I don’t take responsibility at all.”

Trump Sun Blame

Well, this was a lovely, mish-mash of a jumbled post. But you get the picture. Donald Trump will always take full credit for anything good that happens, but never take any blame or responsibility for anything bad. Ever.

 

A Decision I Kneeded to Correct

A few posts back, I mentioned that I needed to make a decision between walking with a cane and training for a 5K race. I decided on the 5K race. I soon came to regret that decision this past Saturday.

I injured my right knee while walking the dog on Saturday. Then I further injured it while walking through the store to purchase a knee brace. Why would I need a knee brace? So I could go on a planned run Saturday afternoon which went well with minimal pain. The brace worked! And then my knee inflated like Trump’s ego at one of his rallies.

This is not my knee, but this pic is highly representative of what mine looked like.

Knee swollen

The kneecap is under there somewhere. So, I rested and iced and expected it to get better quickly. Nope. There was no way I could exercise and do my deep knee bends.

knee bends

So I bit the bullet and went to see an orthopedist specializing in sports injuries which is a stretch. That’s like Trump going to see a psychiatrist specializing in geniuses.

We jointly decided on a treatment protocol and this is what she pulled from my knee.

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48 > 50

We have a problem in the USA much bigger than Donald Trump, and that’s an awful big one. We have 2 Senators each coming from states with fewer people than many cities have. I’m talking about you Montana, Wyoming, North & South Dakota. Most of those Senators are Republican. There is absolutely no reason for us to have 4 states that are so lightly populated, and no reason to have so many Republican Senators representing those states. Our map now looks like this …

us-states-map

The solution is simple …

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The Single Biggest Threat to Democracy

There are those that think that having a cruel, vindictive, racist, sexual predatory, dementia addled, Adderall snorting, Fox News watching, fast food & Diet Coke guzzling, fake tan and hair wearing, popular vote losing, foreign government conspiring, forever impeached moron in the White House is the single biggest threat to our democracy. Maybe. I think a case could legitimately be made.

However, consider this …

Ballot 2020

Yes, I am running again for a position nobody wants. The fact that a dope like me can get on a ballot should also get some consideration as a threat to our democracy.  I highly suggest some guardrails be added in the future to prevent this abomination from ever happening again.

A Questionable Record

No, the title of this post does not refer to the Trump Administration. If it did, the title would be “A Criminal Record.” This post is about clearing out some of my old records with a focus on my religious albums. Although a “criminal record” definitely would apply to Trump campaign ally George Nader who we saw earlier this month pleading guilty to more child porn charges.

records3

Maybe, Greg. Wasn’t one stretch in a Czech prison on child porn charges enough for Nader? Who knows how many in the Trump administration would approve? How about these guys?

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Plunging into a War on Toilets

This past week was historic. We went to the brink of war with Iran. The Senate impeachment trial of Donald Trump began. Documents and testimony became public showing how agents of Donald Trump conspired to remove and possibly harm former Ukraine Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch. But at Trump’s latest rally in Milwaukee, what did he identify as a danger to the USA? That’s right, household appliances. Toilets, sinks, showers, dishwashers, light bulbs, and even refrigerators. Here’s a transcript of that part of his speech or rant or dementia-addled diatribe attacking the appliances. The bolding is from me at crucial parts.

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Emasculation Conversation

I feel so emasculated, but any emasculating done was self-emasculation. I love football, but had ZERO interest in watching the college football National Championship game on Monday night. I rated these 4 TV events as “must see,” well above the college football game.

1)  Jeopardy Greatest of all Time finale. I was rooting for James since he is from the Chicago suburbs, but all props to Ken as Jeopardy GOAT. I felt sorry for badly overmatched Brad until hearing he is a multi-millionaire thanks to Jeopardy. Boo-hoo. And he won another $250K for being bad. Geesch.

2) Tonight’s Rachel Maddow interview with indicted Trump associate Lev Parnas. I expect a lot of “no comments” from Lev’s attorney, but I hope Rachel elicits a juicy tidbit or two.

3) Last night’s Rachel Maddow dissection of the Lev Parnas document drop showing just how mobbed-up the Trump crime family is.

4) The Democratic debate. I thought they all did well and nobody did terrible. Yawn. They are all so much better than Trump. Sounds like a new blog post on Winnowing the Candidates is overdue.

And then, the LSU-Clemson (I hope I got the teams right) game checks in. Oh, I forgot that Seinfeld rerun I watched. And Trump and Melanoma wearing a raincoat were at the indoor football game. Football just got bumped from my Top 5.

War with Iran has weighed heavy on my mind this past week. I think I have figured out how this Iran mess transpired. Here’s my recreation of possible actual, imaginary conversations.

January 2

Advisor: Happy New Year, President Trump. Impeachment chatter will start again soon.

Trump: We need a distraction. What’s the craziest thing I can do in response to pro-Iranian militants storming our embassy in Iraq?

Advisor: Well, the military’s most extreme option, which they only submitted to make the other options look more attractive, is to assasinate Iran’s #2 in command.

Trump: Hmmm, taking out the Iranian Pence. Sounds good. Let’s do that.

Advisor: But, Mr. President …

Trump: My gut tells me that’s right and that I need a Big Mac. It’s go time on both.

January 8

Advisor: Missiles launched by Iran have landed at 2 of our air bases in Iraq.

Trump: Hmmm, Iranians must like their Pence more than America likes ours. More importantly, how do the polls look?

Advisor: Republicans and Democrats polled are united in their opposition to war with Iran.

Trump: Hmmm, let’s take a look at that sanctions thingy.

Goodbye USA, Hello Talossa

I was in a fit of pique Tuesday night over Trump’s potential war with Iran. I felt like that was the last straw. I was done with the USA. Sure, I will be on the ballot in Spring of 2020 as a candidate for Democratic Precinct Committeperson. But do I really want to live in a country that would elect me for any position?

First things first though. I needed to get my middle daughter up to Milwaukee for some dance thing in preparation for her dancing in Milwaukee over the summer. Yes, she’s majoring in dance in college. That’s the good news. The bad news is that she’s returning to college for a fifth year so she can also major in history. I’m not sure if she plans to be a dancing historian or a historical dancer.

After dumping my daughter off in downtown Milwaukee, my first sightseeing stop was the Arthur Fonzarelli statue. Who, you ask? That would be Fonzie from the old Happy Days television show, as portrayed by actor Henry Winkler. I’d love to show the selfie I took with The Fonz, but I couldn’t find the statue. In fairness, I didn’t look hard and didn’t leave the car. So as not to disappoint this blog’s readers (as if I could disappoint you even more than normal), here’s a pic I found on the internet.

Fonz Bronze

Looks fun … until you get close. Take a look.

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New Music for Old Rockers – New Yorn Yule Yarn

Christmas can be a fun time, but also a very stressful time. There are gifts to buy, MAGA relatives to rub shoulders with, and decorations to put up outside often in less than ideal conditions. But Pete Yorn is back with some sage advice for this season.

Where’s Yorn been since he captivated us musically a decade ago with lyrical tales of his “Strange Condition?” Well, he’s been making music, but just not super memorable. This new tune from his 7th album may not be memorable, but it excellent advice to just calm the hell down.

If you aren’t calm after listening to that tune, then there’s something seriously wrong. Calm down. The gifts will get wrapped. The tree will be trimmed. You’ll get to go a-Wassailing, whatever that is. Ask Uncle George in his MAGA hat about his health. He won’t have time to talk about Trump. He’ll be too busy talking about his gout and the root canal he needs and the fried foods he can’t eat anymore because his cholesterol is too high and … well, you get the idea. When he’s done, just tell him to calm down because he looks great. Okay, that’s probably a lie. What is that spot on his head? But, what the hell, it’s the holidays. Maybe that Christmas lie will help him enjoy a Merry Christmas, like all of us will if we just calm down.

 

A Twitter Mystery

As the election cycle heats up, Russian Twitter bots are starting to swarm. If I get a new follower with a Twitter name including a long string of numbers, bad grammar in their tweets, and pro-Trump tweets, I’m pretty sure that it’s a Russian bot. They get an automatic block. I follow an outstanding political cartoonist, @repeat1968, who imagined what those pro-Trump Russian bots look like …

yolo4

Terrifying. I always keep my eyes to the skies now.

When I got the following notifcation from Twitter, I immediately thought “eat” because I was hungry at the time. And then I thought “bot” because of the Twitter name. But that’s when the mystery started. Take a look …

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Don’t Look Back

In 1978, the band Boston was urging us to “Don’t Look Back.” However, recently I have been looking back because what’s behind me is more than what’s ahead of me. And I’m not referring to my fat ass. I’m taking about life. In 1978, I looked to my life ahead of me. In 2019, I do tend to reminisce a bit.

Recently, my elementary school was holding an all-alumni school reunion before it closed forever. I didn’t go, but after seeing on Facebook who went from my grade, I waxed a bit nostalgic. If only I had waxed my neck and shoulders before the reunion, maybe I would have gone.

But then, reality hit me in the face like a fish out of water. I think I’m mixing metaphors, but that allows me to use this gif …

fish in face.gif

I think I know what Boston was getting at back in ’78. I’ll explain.

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Waging War on Holidays

As DC burns with the fire of a pending Trump impeachment, the Nerotic fools at Fox News once again fiddle around with creating a new battle in the fictional War on Christmas as a shiny distraction from Trump’s crimes.

War on christmas tree

I have NEVER heard anyone describe a Christmas tree as a Holiday tree. If I ever did, I would tell them that it’s a Christmas tree, but they can call it a Covfefe Hamberder for all I care. As far as Fox News goes, it looks like they are making Trump look foolish once again (shooting fish in a barrel) since Trump said everyone would be saying “Merry Christmas” with him in charge. Mission Accomplished?

Mission accomplished trump

I think not. Happy Holidays. I can’t wait to chop down and trim our Covfefe Hamberder this holiday season. The Resistance continues.

Challenge Yourself

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw that Trump was running a new MAGA Challenge.

Maga Challenge

What do you get if you lose? 2 visits to the White House to meet that moron?

My mind spun (as always) with the possibilities of what Trump might be challeging us to do. Here’s a partial list of what I came up with …

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Cocktails?

My youngest son has a friend who was quite a handful when just a youth. I have firsthand knowledge of that since I coached the boys in both basketball and baseball. But my son’s friend went to college, got a degree, and was encouraging my son to become a personal trainer like he is. Sounds good, right?  Well, it turns out that instead of coaching the boys on basketball and baseball skills, I should have taught life skills.

Imagine my surprise when I saw this headline concerning his arrest and the charges …

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A Reason to Love Chicago

I am grateful for living my life in the Chicagoland area for many reasons. Winter weather is not one. However, one reason is that we have Lake Michigan, a huge body of water to enjoy, with zero sharks. Take that, ocean lovers! But another is that Chicago is politically cool, sometimes in subtle ways. I was listening this morning to WXRT, still the world’s greatest radio station that you can listen to at wxrt.radio.com, and the big news they reported at 8AM was Trump’s stop in Chicago today where massive protests are expected to cause major traffic disruptions. I would be there except I am preparing to protest a local issue tonight. Anyway, the Trump visit news was followed by this set of music.

  • American Idiot by Green Day
  • Fighter by Joseph
  • Creep by Radiohead
  • Immigration Man by Crosby & Nash
  • Is She Really Going Out With Him by Joe Jackson

When I tweeted the DJ to ask if he was making a political statement, he replied that he was just “rockin’ Chicago.” Sure. Keep rockin’, man.

Trump Sharpie Geography

Trump and Sharpie are words that really don’t seem to go together well. We all remember the incident with Hurricane Dorian and the Sharpie extension into Alabama so that Trump could pretend to be a sharpie and not the dumbass that he really is.

Hurrican Dorian

This time it was Senator Patrick Leahy who took a Sharpie to this map …

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My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President – Chapter Five – The Challenges & Challengers

Well, we’ve reached the halfway point. I’m halfway finished writing a crappy novella. The good news there is that you’ll be halfway done reading excerpts from a crappy novella once you are done reading this post. Let’s get started, the sooner the better.


After the big announcement of Ray running for President, I was wondering, “Now what?” It seemed like a whole lot of work was ahead of us, and the bursitis in my knee was flaring up something awful with some wet weather we was having. I’m no quitter, but with football back on TV, watching the Iowa Hawkeyes go undefeated in September seemed like a lot more fun than knocking on doors or stuffing envelopes. And how about that 18-17 comeback win over the Iowa State Cyclones? I hate winning the game with a field goal, and they shoulda whipped those Cyclone asses more, but a road win sure as hell beats losing. And it was a honey of a whale of a ding-dong dilly of a game.

I know what you’re thinking — I should be an Iowa State fan since Okawana is closer to Iowa State than U of I. But I’ve always been a Big Ten fan, even though there’s 14 teams now in the conference. Ain’t that crazier than a Trump tariff? And why the hell is Rutgers part of the Big Ten? If you ask me, they should be part of one of them fancy conferences back east. I’d rather have Iowa State in the Big Ten so I can see them Cyclones get their asses whuppped every week by Big Ten teams. But Iowa State is in the Big 12, and they only got 10 teams. They can’t afford to lose any more. I say the Big Ten should give the Big 12 Rutgers and Maryland so the Big 12 can be the Big 12 again. Only having 10 teams in the Big 12 must be downright embarrassing.  Hey, here’s a joke. Why is it called the Big 12 and not the Big Twelve? Because them Big 12 students are so dumb they can’t spell twelve. I made that one up myself.

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I’ve been very busy with my medical equipment business recently. The hard work has paid off. Today I secured a large order from a Swiss customer who is buying equipment they will pick-up in Germany for shipment to Russia (no collusion!). The payment will be made by the Swiss customer in euros to my bank account in the UK that will be converted to US dollars and sent to my bank account in the USA so that my LLC can access the funds. I feel a bit like international business magnate Donald Trump, but without the criminality. Oh, sorry, I just noticed I spelled maggot wrong in that last sentence.

Another Edition of Twitter Pics

Twitter is a rich mélange of conspiracy theories, breaking news, cat videos (thanks, Thomas Edison), and some wild pics, some of which I will share with you today … because I’m too lazy to do a real blog post.

Here’s a disturbing one …

Trump Boat.PNG

I guess that heading is a grammatically-flawed QAnon conspiracy nutjob group saying. Grammar aside, what bothered me more is the image, with Trump being guided by … Jared Leto?

Jared leto jesus

For my own well-being, I needed to fix the image just a bit …

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Twitter is Exhausting

Don’t follow me on Twitter, please, not like any sane person would have any interest in doing that. I use Twitter to keep up on the latest Trump Resistance conspiracy theories and rage against Trump’s nonsensical tweets. I did get a kick out of engaging in some Twitter communication with my all-time favorite DJ just last weekend when he tweeted out that he was featuring music from 1982 on his Saturday morning show.

tweet-wxrt.png

I think that’s what Twitter was supposed to be. Instead, we get idiotic Trump tweets like these …

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Truckin’

Yesterday, while Democratic candidates were beating each other up in a debate, House Republicans on a retreat in Baltimore were listening to a rambling, repetitive diatribe from guest-slurrer Donald Trump. Yes, the same Baltimore that Trump decried as rat-infested. So, MadDog PAC and Twitter provocateur Claude Taylor (@TrueFactsStated) took their Trump Rat Truck to Baltimore to join the protests. Oh, they also embellished the street sign a bit.

Rat in Baltimore.JPG

I just bought one of those signs from MadDog PAC (you can too at www.maddogpac.com) and am looking for a landing spot on the Flanigan compound to proudly display it. The Baltimore Sun covered the event and the counter-protests. I read their article online mainly to see what they said about the Trump Rat Truck. However, in the course of reading the article, an ad came up. That’s normal, but this time the ad was just so apropos. The article was talking about House Republicans losing the majority in 2018, and this was the ad that followed …

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My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President – Chapter Four – The Announcement

I wanted to release excerpts from Chapter 4 on Labor Day, but I didn’t. Uh, that doesn’t really sound like a good excuse or explanation. Pretty lame. Let’s just agree that the important thing is that excerpts from the Chapter 4 rough draft follow below.

Now for those that haven’t read along with MPTWTBP up to this point, good for you. Don’t waste your time. Go for a walk. Climb a mountain. Pick wildflowers. Take hallucinogens. Enjoy life. For those of you who are resistant to most of those ideas, but open to the hallucinogens, here are the links to the first 3 chapters. Note: Take the hallucinogens first.

This chapter is the longest, so there are many yuks, laughs, giggles, and guffaws that didn’t make it into these excepts. Take it from me … my side is still split from laughing so hard. Very messy and inconvenient though. Anyway, here we go with some Chapter 4 excerpts.

Chapter Four – The Announcements, August, 2019

From the beginning, Ray had planned to declare his candidacy over the 4th of July weekend. He thought that would be darn patriotic and fit in well with the rest of the festivities in Okawana. Even before Iowa legalized fireworks back in 2017, the townfolk’s been gathering in the grove of trees by the diner on the 4th for a little town picnic and games. My favorite game was to see whose pet looked most like their owner. Wanda Bixley’s bulldog, Brutus, won most years I can recall. Oh, there was one year when that nerdy writer fella who bought the Pike’s old farmhouse as a quiet place to write his big, fancy novel came to the picnic. Someone nominated the fella’s goldfish since that writer had a sorta fish face with thick glasses that made his eyes look bulgy. Who knows if the guy even had a goldfish, but you can be sure that goldfish won and the writer never came back. Brutus was back to winning the next year even though Wanda was wearing her hair long at the time.

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Danish Dreams

If I was the PM of Denmark, I know what I would do. I would politely reschedule Donald Trump’s visit to Denmark to another time. If Trump needs assurance that purchasing Greenland is on the table to be discussed, I would give him that assurance. Then, a couple weeks before his visit, I would offer to buy the US Virgin Islands back from the USA. By the way, Denmark sold the islands to the US in 1917. I would insist that the potential purchase of the US Virgin Islands be on the table for discussion, or the meeting must be postponed.

I was initially going to use Puerto Rico rather than the US Virgin Islands in the above scenario, but I’m afraid Trump would sell Puerto Rico to Denmark or anyone who offers to buy it.

I also have some random Danish thoughts …

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New Record in New Hampshire?

Trump rallied yesterday in New Hampshire. That surprised me. I just took it for granite that NH was a solid blue state. Get it? Took it for granite? NH is the Granite State. Gawd, I hate having to explain my bad jokes. Anyway, Trump seemed to think it was a great success …

Trump Tweet NH.jpg

Sounds like a lot of people. But then I saw this pic …

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My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President – Chapter Three – The Issues

Another month, another chapter. If you need to catch up, here are links to Chapter 1 and Chapter 2. Despite adjusting my medications, I put more words down on paper to create a Chapter 3, this time about campaign issues. Gee, that sounds dry. It was difficult to write about serious issues in a light-hearted way. I’m not sure I succeeded. Regardless, here are some excerpts from a raw, unedited third chapter about issues facing us today.

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Notes from Debate #1B

This one kept my interest more, especially with four heavy-hitters in the debate. Here is what I saw and heard.

Andrew Yang – No tie and swearing during the debate nets him an immediate disqualification.

John Hickenlooper – Funny last name during the debate nets him an immediate disqualification.

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Dumb as a Trump in Geography

I sometimes use the expression “dumb as a box of rocks” or “dumb as a bag of hammers.” I think we need a new one using the Trump family name. Is “dumb as a family of Trumps” sufficient? I like the rhyming sound of “box of rocks.” Maybe we can come up with something rhyming with Trump. Some ideas …

  • Dumb as a chump named Trump
  • Dumb as a trash dump of Trumps
  • Dumb as a toxic waste dump of Trumps

We can ruminate on those. Regardless, I feel dumb as a Trump. I was thrilled to have booked my company’s first ever export order to the country of Lesotho. Now I knew Lesotho was in Africa, but I wasn’t sure if it is east or west coast. Neither! It is a land-locked country in the middle of South Africa.

Lesotho

OK, so I get a C- in geography for the day. Hey, I got the continent correct. But then I saw this and felt dumb as a chump named Trump. Continue reading

My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President – Chapter One – The Decision

Well, I warned you all. Here are excerpts from Chapter One of the book that I’m writing concurrent with the presidential campaign. Yes, the grammar is wrong. It is written in the first person – a campaign diary supposedly written by the modestly-educated host twin of the parasitic twin candidate. The grammar is meant to be wrong. Click to read the excepts, if you dare.

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What is Wrong with this Blog?

The title of this post could apply to this blog from the very first post, but it is especially applicable now. It used to be that readers could count on a post full of drivel from me almost every single day. You may have noticed (and rejoiced) that my posts have become more sporadic and less Trumpy. As for the latter, I am just sick of that saggy skin sack of lies and monkey feces. Sorry, that’s not fair to monkeys.

monkey mad.gif

Wow, touchy. I said I was sorry. Anyway, I just want Trump impeached and voted out in 2020. I find nothing funny about him any longer.

As for the sporadicity (not a word, but a potential album title) of my posts, that’s another story.

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