I thought I was done dodging political fundraising requests for a while. We just finished up local elections this month, and I did financially support local candidates. Just to clarify, by financially supporting candidates, I mean I went to their fundraising events and did not eat or drink an inordinate amount of the free refreshments provided.
But President Uncle Joe announced his bid for a second term yesterday, and look what he texted to my phone shortly after.
Now that’s awfully nice of him to personally text me, but shouldn’t he be focused on more important issues than texting me like Ukraine, high gas prices, inflation, climate change, and if I listen to Tucker Carlson (RIP), his son Hunter’s laptop that is likely full of Hillary’s missing emails? President Uncle Joe went on in his text to ask for money, which I thought was rude. It’s kind of like asking for a gold watch before you start a job. No, wait, it’s nothing like that. I guess anytime anyone asks me for money I think it’s rude. But I did decide to donate these items to the three announced Democrat candidates for president:
President Uncle Joe ran a virtual campaign from his basement in 2020 during COVID. But for 2024, he needs to get out among the voters and GO, GO, GO. That’s why I donated a box of Metamucil to his campaign. Go, Joe, Go!
For candidate and spiritual healer Marianne Williamson, I am donating healing crystals, so she can help heal our divided nation.
For candidate and anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., I am donating a supply of vaccines, because I’m just a dick.
Why can’t Democrat candidates fund their campaigns the way Republicans do by selling crap? Here’s Senator Marsha Blackburn promising to cut red tape and provide us with a plastic wheel to cut pizza.
How in the world can you clean that pizza cutter? Won’t all sorts of sauce and toppings accumulate up inside the red handle part? The red part will be full of grossness in no time at all, just like any head under a red MAGA hat.
And then there’s this. It has to be a joke. Maybe SNL satire. Actually, pretty funny stuff. But wait, it’s not?
There are simply so many jokes to make that can get me in a lot of trouble that I have decided to pass on them all, just like I will pass on a Kay Ivey koozie.
Maybe an independently wealthy billionaire will run who won’t need to hawk junk to campaign?