You Are What You See

I think the people who see penises everywhere may be looking too hard and long (pun intended) for them.

Blog title proven.

I Can Finally Speak Truth

When I last checked, there were 461,595 people ahead of me in line to get truthing on Trump’s new Truth Social platform.

No matter how many times I clicked on that spinning refresh icon next to that large number, the app still showed me at 461,596th. And then all of a sudden, I got an email telling me I’m in! Allow me to clarify … I received 24 emails telling me I was in. As the email clearly stated, “we are still fixing many bugs in our technology.” Well, I guess that’s some truth.

The app directed me to set-up a profile. I needed a Truth Social name, profile pic, and background pic.

I waited to be immediately blocked, but I was surprised to see this.

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What Ukraine Means to Me

Just a few years ago, before Donald Trump asked Ukrainian President Zelenskyy for an infamous favor and brought the spotlight on Ukraine, this is how I viewed the country.

  • It was The Ukraine. I’m not sure why, since it makes no sense. It’s not The Greece or The Canada. Why The Ukraine? No idea, but it sounded correct.
  • The capital city was two-syllable Kiev.
  • Ukrainians elected a comedian as president. How could they be taken seriously? Yes, a similar argument can be made about the USA in 2016, but that’s a blog post for another day that has already been written by many and read by millions.
  • Ukrainian national clothing was colorful.
  • The Ukraine was part of the former USSR, so could they really be trusted? Aren’t they likely in cahoots with Russia?
  • We have a Ukrainian Village neighborhood in Chicago, so maybe that means they’re okay and can be trusted after all.
  • I had no idea why The Ukraine was important economically.

Things have changed for me.

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I Can’t Speak Truth

Why can’t I speak Truth? Because they won’t let me into Truth Social, the latest Trump social media experiment. I missed Trump’s last social media experiment, a short-lived blog that lasted all of one month. My blog has (amazingly) lasted about 8000% longer. I think I did the math correct, but it’s not like you’re going to check. Anyway, there was no way I wanted to miss this new Trump social media foray. I signed up for the app, and received this message.

Ugh! That was a few days ago, and I am still locked out. Estimates are the end of March for the app to be fully functional. It reminds me of this famous Michael Keaton movie scene.

To be fair, the only reason I wanted to join is to leave a terrible review and then delete the app. Oh, and maybe leave as my Truth Social legacy a few virulent anti-Trump posts about him being a career criminal, and that would be speaking the truth.

Let Lying Trumpers Lie

I’ve gone back and forth with friends debating whether or not we should make an attempt to reason with our relatives and friends who are hardcore MAGA Trumpers. Sure, we want our loved ones to see the error of their ways, but I have become convinced that trying to sway them is a lost cause. To support my argument, I present this video from a couple days ago.

Your eyes may have glazed over just a bit at the falsehoods flung around like feces in the monkey house at the zoo. Sounds like something crazy Aunt Jane or Uncle Joe at the holidays would say after getting into the spiked eggnog, but it perfectly supports why trying to show them their thinking is flawed is futile. First, take a look at the sheer volume of nonsense this woman spouted along with the truth listed underneath each.

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Top 5 Worst Judges to Replace Justice Breyer on the Supreme Court

We all know the Top 3 Worst Judges to be added to the Supreme Court during the Trump Reich. How do we know them? They were appointed by Trump, confirmed by a Republican majority Senate, and are sitting on the Supreme Court today.

Gross. Typing that and seeing him makes me throw up a little in my mouth. The other two are as bad if not worse.

But now, President Uncle Joe gets to replace Justice Breyer. While there are many good candidates from which to choose, keep a watchful and wary eye open in case he goofs and decides to nominate any of these Top 5 Worst Judges to Replace Justice Breyer.

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Repost of Yorn Yule Tune & All New 2021 Content

As I find myself woefully unprepared for Christmas once again, I harken back to advice crooner Pete Yorn gave us 2 Christmases ago – calm the hell down. Read on.

Christmas can be a fun time, but also a very stressful time. There are gifts to buy, MAGA relatives to rub shoulders with, and decorations to put up outside often in less than ideal conditions. But Pete Yorn is back with some sage advice for this season.

Where’s Yorn been since he captivated us musically a decade ago with lyrical tales of his “Strange Condition?” Well, he’s been making music, but just not super memorable. This new tune from his 7th album may not be memorable, but it excellent advice to just calm the hell down.

If you aren’t calm after listening to that tune, then there’s something seriously wrong. Calm down. The gifts will get wrapped. The tree will be trimmed. You’ll get to go a-Wassailing, whatever that is. Ask Uncle George in his MAGA hat about his health. He won’t have time to talk about Trump. He’ll be too busy talking about his gout and the root canal he needs and the fried foods he can’t eat anymore because his cholesterol is too high and … well, you get the idea. When he’s done, just tell him to calm down because he looks great. Okay, that’s probably a lie. What is that spot on his head? But, what the hell, it’s the holidays. Maybe that Christmas lie will help him enjoy a Merry Christmas, like all of us will if we just calm down.

Continue reading for new content.

Continue reading “Repost of Yorn Yule Tune & All New 2021 Content”

Lost in Translation

I don’t make enough (translation: any) money from writing and blogging (translation: self-publishing word salads) because of my frugal readers & followers (translation: deadbeats), so I actually have a day job running my own business as I have for 14 years (translation: too long) now. I have a close (translation: ethically suspect) relationship with a number of customers and vendors (translation: potential criminal co-conspirators) that often leads me to agree to handle some challenging (translation: stupid) tasks. One such task is to curate and mange (translation: mostly ignore) the YouTube channel of one vendor. I was surprised to get a notification of this comment in regard to a video for a therapeutic massage machine.

I wasn’t sure if Lhtutuutfirh was covfefe level gibberish (translation: most of what Trump says), or if this was a customer asking to place a million dollar order. To the Google Translate machine!

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It’s a Family Affair

No, the title is not referring to Donald Trump’s creepy obsession with Ivanka.

Come on, who says that about their own child? I know I wouldn’t say that about any of my 3 daughters … except for the super-hot one!

All kidding aside (bad idea for a humor blog), I always wondered why Trump never attempted dating a Kennedy (and more importantly, all the Kennedy money) during the times he was between marriages. Now I think I know.

I was as perplexed as most everyone else as to why people gathered in Dallas at Dealey Plaza the other day waiting for JFK Jr to return. There were hundreds there from all over the country. Take a look.

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Would You Like Math With Your Burger?

A question has confounded me for the last 5 years. Can people really be dumb enough to support Donald Trump? I think I have my answer, thanks to a hamburger, which seems appropriate when speaking of Trump. Or, perhaps I should say hamberder. In case you have forgotten, click this link for a reminder of hamberder heaven.

Ah, memories. Anyway, the burger of which I speak is on the menu of a chain in the US called A&W, a franchise more famous for their root beer, which is undeniably awesome. There aren’t many A&W locations in Chicagoland, but there happens to be one about 15 minutes due south of my house. I rarely pass by without getting a root beer float.

It was the story of an A&W 1/3 pound burger meant to compete with the McDonald’s Quarter Pounder in the 1980s that gave me the answer to the Trump dilemma. I wasn’t familiar with the story until I saw this new A&W commercial.

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Future Netflix Series?

Now that I discovered that I know someone who has a successful Netflix series, Chicago Party Aunt, I have dusted off some of my old TV show ideas to pitch to Chicago Party Aunt’s creator to then pitch to Netflix. Here’s an idea of what you may see on Netflix in the future, thanks to me.

A dermatologist uses only lit cigarettes to burn unwanted growths off patients. Working title – Lit Zits!

An accupuncturist with a fear of needles uses lit cigarettes instead. Working title – There’s No Point.

Editor’s Note: Enough with the lit cigarettes already.

Think of this as a sequel to All Creatures Great and Small. A veterinarian only euthanizes patients. Working title – All Creatures Dead.

A former game show host becomes President. Oh, never mind on that one. That show was tried and was a complete disaster for four years.

An electrician with overactive sweat glands works in a constant puddle of perspiration. Working title – Shocking!

An airline pilot with narcolepsy only flies around sunrise with a therapy rooster that crows constantly to keep the pilot awake. Working title – Alarm Cock.

A zombie neurosurgeon’s patients all mysteriously die. Working title – Brain Food.

A heroin addict becomes a jockey to support his habit. Working title – Ride the White Horse.

Enjoy your future Netflix viewing, and you’re welcome!

Adding Ads?

Sales of my award-winning, side-splitting book of short stories about the afterlife do not appear like they will be sufficient to fund a lifestyle for me of champagne wishes and caviar dreams. Therefore, this notice from WordPress caught my eye.

As I clicked the link to start making money, I guessed that I would be instructed to offer to shut the blog down in exchange for donations. But, no. This popped up next.

I can’t imagine any scenario where the internet’s top ad suppliers bid for ad space on this blog. Bidding to stay off this blog? That I can believe. Anyway, adding ads sounded pretty good and easy to me, but this is the first ad that was suggested.

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Taking the Temperature of the 2020 Election

This is a big story, if true.

This story about thermometers throwing the election to Joe Biden got the investigative team at Jim Flanigan Looks at the World whipped into a fever pitch. I took the temperature of the team on this subject. Opinions were running hot and cold over whether we should delve behind the facts to generate reckless stories full of conjecture and speculation. My mercurial views were ignored, and cooler heads prevailed.

Fresh out of temperature references, we assigned our top two Jim Flanigan Looks at the World investigative reporters to the story.

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Cancel Culture Canceled


I apologize to Cleveland for satirically picking on them, but I am a Chicago White Sox fan.

In this satirical post, I have decided NOT to promote my book of short stories. I don’t want anyone to be confused and think the info about my book is satirical. It’s not. I really did write a book of humorous and contemplative books about the afterlife.

Seriously, if you don’t believe this is real and not just more satire, click this link to buy the book on Amazon for under a buck.

Go ahead, prove it to yourself. I dare you.