The Green Season

I thought I was done dodging political fundraising requests for a while. We just finished up local elections this month, and I did financially support local candidates. Just to clarify, by financially supporting candidates, I mean I went to their fundraising events and did not eat or drink an inordinate amount of the free refreshments provided.

But President Uncle Joe announced his bid for a second term yesterday, and look what he texted to my phone shortly after.

Now that’s awfully nice of him to personally text me, but shouldn’t he be focused on more important issues than texting me like Ukraine, high gas prices, inflation, climate change, and if I listen to Tucker Carlson (RIP), his son Hunter’s laptop that is likely full of Hillary’s missing emails? President Uncle Joe went on in his text to ask for money, which I thought was rude. It’s kind of like asking for a gold watch before you start a job. No, wait, it’s nothing like that. I guess anytime anyone asks me for money I think it’s rude. But I did decide to donate these items to the three announced Democrat candidates for president:

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Easter Choices

My wife and I planned to go to a sunrise Easter service at a local cemetery. My wife wanted to go, because she’s a good person of faith. I wanted to go, because I was hoping it would be spooky in the cemetery. Considering we were expecting 30 relatives at our house for Easter, we chose to do other things at sunrise on Easter Sunday to prepare for our guests. As I cleaned our basement Saturday night, I made the choice to watch some episodes of Expedition Unknown on the Discovery Channel which involved Jesus, Moses, and the Dead Sea Scrolls. I think that fulfilled my Sunday obligation.

We had some younger kids coming over on Easter, so I busted out the games. In the basement, we had air hockey, Twister, and Hungry, Hungry Hippos ready to be played, and they were. Thanks to some wonderful weather, I set up a few games throughout our ample backyard. However, choices were made by our guests to specifically not play one of the games. So, now is your chance to play a game and see if you can choose the game not played by our guests. Here are 3 of the games: badminton, bags, and ladderball.

Which game went untouched?

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Merry Arrestmas

During this Arrestmas season, have you noticed how Republicans won’t say, “Merry Arrestmas” and will only say “Happy Holidays” or “Fuck off?” Come to think of it, they always say the latter to me. Dare I suggest that Republicans are waging a War on Arrestmas?

Okay, so I vowed in my last post not to go back to Trump coverage, but a friend sent me this today.

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At a Crossroads

I haven’t blogged for over a week. It would have felt good to take a blogcation except I was sick. Not that you cared. I didn’t receive one Get Well Soon balloon bouquet from any readers. I’m telling myself that maybe you tried but encountered some difficulties getting it to me.

Or, it may be due to what I hear is a helium shortage. Thanks, Biden. It’s hard for me to confirm such a shortage, because helium is an invisible gas.

A huge reason that I couldn’t blog this past week is because of writing.

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Angle From Mar-a-Lago on Arrestmas Eve

One of my favorite John Prine songs is “Angel From Montgomery,” although I slightly prefer Bonnie Raitt’s cover to Prine’s original. And when the two of them shared a stage and that song shortly before Prine’s passing, well …

That’s where I got the title for today’s blog post. Yeah, I know I spelled angel wrong. I’ll get to that later. But this is not really a music post, and it has nothing to do with Prine, Raitt, or that song. However, I felt I needed to post something positive and beautiful before foisting this picture upon you on Arrestmas Eve.

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My Clean Freezer Challenge Diet

I’m sure you all fondly remember such harmeless social media challenges as planking, eating Tide pods, dumping buckets of ice over your head, and bleach enemas. Oh, wait. That last one wasn’t a social media challenge but Trump’s suggestion to kill COVID. Disregard that one.

But I have stumbled upon what I think will be the next viral challenge. I’m determined to clean out our freezer, and what better way to do that than to eat my way through all the frozen food? I’m certainly not going to throw out perfectly good, ice-encrusted expired food. While that may be prudent, it is also wasteful.

I found 3 bags of these in the freezer.

Wow, no antibiotics, EVER! That’s great. So, I guess they didn’t slaughter chickens that were under doctor’s care trying to recover from sinus infections. Good to know. I normally don’t eat poultry or red meat, but to save a buck, I find I can set aside my morals with uncomfortable ease when there’s food about to be wasted.

There were 2 patties in each of the 3 bags in the freezer, enough for 1 meal per bag. I dove right in. I used my mountain climbing pickaxe to free the patties from their icy shrouds. After 3 days, the bags were empty and patties devoured. I was soon to be a bit empty myself. Take a look at the expiration dates on each bag.

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A Watered-Down Product

I stumbled across this product picture on Twitter. I guessed it must be a very old gag gift, and a little Googling confirmed that. Funny.

What I am surprised about is that the Trump Grift Shop at Mar-a-Lago is not selling these under the Trump brand name to the MAGA ghouls who’ll buy up anything with the Trump name on it. But that’s just my opinion which is not watered down. Let’s all robustly drink to that.


A Political Edition of … Random Thoughts

I’ve read that Trump is considering a third party presidential run in 2024 if Republicans refuse to nominate him. He is drawing comparisons to Teddy Roosevelt and his Bull Moose Party back in 1912. I think that is a perfect analogy for Trump’s campaign today, including the name with just a small modification. Rather than the Bull Moose Party, Trump should more accurately call it the Bull Shit Party.

I have watched gas prices continue to drop to under $3 per gallon, and conservatives are very quiet now concerning how high gas prices are President Joe Biden’s fault. If they were smart (Spoiler Alert: They’re not), they would note that gas prices have been dropping since Trump entered the 2024 presidential race. There must be a correlation.

I saw Trump on his Truth Social network suggesting that the cold weather and winter storm we had a week ago proves that there is no climate change and global warming. So, if climate change and global warming have been resolved, did Joe Biden fix them?

I hate the thought of the Republican clown show running the House of Representatives in 2023. However, considering the Republicans controlled the House, Senate, and White House from 2021 through 2022 and accomplished absolutely nothing except another tax cut for the rich, I think the next 2 years may be unproductive but impossible not to watch in a car crash sort of way. Buckle up. I am sure House hearings on the search for Hillary Clinton’s emails on Hunter Biden’s laptop that may be located in Benghazi will start soon.

What Do I Want For Christmas?

Now that’s a good question to address on this 7th Day of Blogging, but an easier one to answer would be what I don’t want. Allow me to take you back many years to the glory days of the National Lampoon Radio Hour with Bill Murray and Gilda Radner before they were famous.

I definitely do not want Santa’s trapdoor. What I would like for Christmas is if folks who made me laugh like Gilda Radner, John Belushi, John Candy, Chris Farley, and Phil Hartman were still around to do so. Hey, maybe this Motivational Santa could grant my Christmas wish.

Here’s something else I definitely do NOT want for Christmas offered by someone more pathetic than Motivational Santa Matt Foley living in a van down by the river.

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The Liberal Media Invades Football (satire alert!)

I think I finally understand the complaints about the liberal media. It all became perfectly clear as I watched my beloved Chicago Bears dismantle the New England Patriots on Monday Night Football last night. Take a look at who Peyton and Eli Manning had as a guest on their Manningcast.

That’s right. A liberal former Democrat President who had nothing to do with football during his career. How about having a qanonservative former Republican President as a guest who actually owned a professional football team? Here’s the story.

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On The Campaign Trail & a FREE Book!

I’ve been busy recently supporting local Democrat candidates by hitting the campaign trail while also working at my business and writing this biting humor blog.

Editor’s Note: This idiot once heard someone say that his blog bites, so that’s where he got the idea that this blog contains “biting humor.”

As the elected Democratic Precinct Committee Person for the area, my job is to deliver candidate literature, signs, and general encouragement to vote. That’s all well and good, and I am happy to do so. However, I was less than thrilled to be called this name as I arrived at a house …

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Roll the Film and Tumble Dry

My 14 year old daughter and I took another road trip before she has to head back to school. The place we are staying offers a lot of amenities. I was intrigued when I saw this sign.

I was confused when I saw the movie scheduled for tonight is Avatar. What does that movie have to do with laundry? I was expecting maybe a movie about money laundering (Trump bio pic?) or perhaps even Car Wash.

I understand that the logical choice is this movie.

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When Pigs Fly

You may have heard or used the expression “when pigs fly” before. What about when they are “flying” around a racetrack? I will be working the booth for the local county Democrats again this year at the annual local County Fair coming up in July. We will try our best to convert Republicans, Trumpers, MAGAs, RINOs, QAnons, Libertarians, pedestrians, and “patriots” to vote Democrat in November. Trust me, it’s an uphill battle. Consider who attends the fair when the local yokel newspaper posts this online as an attention-grabbing headline.

Old favorite? What’s even scarier to me is that I can walk to the fairgrounds from my house. Oh well, better get my bib overall shorts cleaned and pressed. It’s fair-goin’ time!

Want a FREE Apple Watch?

Of course, I won’t be the one giving you a totally FREE Apple Watch. Come on, I’m already offering you an almost free (under a buck!) award-winning book of short stories. But I can point you in the right direction to get a FREE Apple Watch. I have to admit, I was skeptical. But I registered, and this arrived by FedEx.

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Anti-Social Media

I gave up. I hate to admit it, but Trump’s Truth Social beat me. When I set-up my account, I figured there would be some glitches with the new social media platform. But when trying to use the app, I constantly received this message,

Network failed. Ironic choice of words. I finally just deleted the app.

So, I tried logging in using my PC. I couldn’t recall my password, but I wasn’t concerned. I would just reset it. Well, that’s definitely not allowed. I got the reset email with a link that took me to another reset email with a link that took me to another reset email with a link that … well, you get the idea.

As I wave a farewell with my middle finger to Trump’s Truth Social, I will remember it as fondly as I recall Trump’s bankrupt casinos, Trump Steaks with whip marks from the jockeys, Trump’s grounded airline, and the court-closed Trump University. I know Trump’s Truth Social is not gone yet, but I have faith in the Trump brand.