Jim Flanigan Looks at the World
Turning the Mundane into Fundane Since 2015
My first Exercise Pro Tip was well received, so I thought I’d share another. Always wear good shoes with plenty of arch support along with absorbent socks while exercising … unless swimming is your exercise of choice. Then take off your shoes and socks first like this fellow.
And never wear heels.
I exercise daily, so people are always asking me questions like, “If you exercise so much, why are you still overweight?” Once we have a meal together, they understand. But they also ask me other questions like, “How can I increase my exercise time?” That seems pretty simple to me. Just walk/run/bike/swim farther. But then come the complaints about how their bunions hurt too much if they go too far. Or, that their pustules start oozing if they increase distance. Well, I am ready to offer them and all readers my …
Exercise Pro Tip #1 – Reduce your speed by half, and you will double your exercise time without increasing distance.
That should be intuitively obvious even to the most casual observer. Look for more Exercise Pro Tips to come. You’re welcome!
For me, there are many including laziness, family commitments, sloth, work commitments, indolence, soreness, lethargy, an inability/disinterest in finding my shoes, languor, my toenails requiring a clipping, a proclivity toward inactivity, and laziness. Yes, I did use a thesaurus for that sentence. But I ran into a couple new obstacles recently.
I have enjoyed starting my day by walking in a fen on my way home from dropping my daughter at school. The fen has a long boardwalk over its general marshiness (I think I served under him in Iraq) that makes for a fentastic walk to usher in a new day. However, blocking the path on one walk was this.
I’m told that is a sandhill crane which can grow to just under 4 foot tall and has a big pecker. I mean its beak. And it had friends.
Continue reading “Obstacles to Exercise”
Yesterday, I shared with you some positive (I hope) changes going on with my family. But today, sadly, there is bad news. First, I didn’t get the movie role of a distant father who can’t connect with his daughter. Offering me that part would be typecasting. So, why didn’t they choose me for the part? Probably my utter lack of acting ability, but I won’t discount my demand for a bowl of only blue M&Ms on the set at all times, even when I’m not present. It’s probably for the best as I am spread thinner than my hairline these days.
And I didn’t have to go far this morning for more bad news. All I had to do was look out the window to see this …
Continue reading “And Now The Bad News …”
Yesterday, I did another product consulting job. This time it was about product packaging for an at-home sexually transmitted infection (STI, formerly called STD) detection kit. I knew going in that I would be asked to open the kit as people would normally receive it and follow the instructions inside. I just assumed I would need to have a sexually transmitted infection to do a proper evaluation of the kit, so, well, you know …
Anyway, I kind of wish I had read the fine print first. Am I a bad guy?
After they told me that I did not need to have a sexually transmitted infection, they also told me that I did not have to follow the instructions about peeing into a cup. Instead, they gave me a cup of “colored water” that looked suspiciously like urine. Why not color it blue, red, or green rather than yellow? I thought that maybe it was urine from the study moderator, Scott. I really didn’t want to handle Scott’s urine, so I insisted he take a sip of the alleged colored water to prove it wasn’t his pee-pee before I continued. Am I a bad guy?
I’m sure you all fondly remember such harmeless social media challenges as planking, eating Tide pods, dumping buckets of ice over your head, and bleach enemas. Oh, wait. That last one wasn’t a social media challenge but Trump’s suggestion to kill COVID. Disregard that one.
But I have stumbled upon what I think will be the next viral challenge. I’m determined to clean out our freezer, and what better way to do that than to eat my way through all the frozen food? I’m certainly not going to throw out perfectly good, ice-encrusted expired food. While that may be prudent, it is also wasteful.
I found 3 bags of these in the freezer.
Wow, no antibiotics, EVER! That’s great. So, I guess they didn’t slaughter chickens that were under doctor’s care trying to recover from sinus infections. Good to know. I normally don’t eat poultry or red meat, but to save a buck, I find I can set aside my morals with uncomfortable ease when there’s food about to be wasted.
There were 2 patties in each of the 3 bags in the freezer, enough for 1 meal per bag. I dove right in. I used my mountain climbing pickaxe to free the patties from their icy shrouds. After 3 days, the bags were empty and patties devoured. I was soon to be a bit empty myself. Take a look at the expiration dates on each bag.
Continue reading “My Clean Freezer Challenge Diet”
It happens to me twice a year. When the weather turns cold, I gain weight. When the weather warms up, I gain weight. I’m not quite sure why it works that way, but I am sure that it is damn annoying. It’s especially hard to accept in the spring after I have been doing this all winter with slices of pizza.
Springish weather has arrived early in Chicagoland this year (thank God), so I’m trying to get a jump on that weight gain as the seasons change. I don’t ever remember cycling in February before, but I made it out 4 times on my bike last month on my way to a planned 500 miles this season. How far did I get?
Continue reading “Not Weighting for Spring”
I’m always surprised when I get an unsolicited Facebook friend request from someone I don’t know. I don’t accept all friend requests, but I do accept a few when I see we have mutual friends who I trust. Well, not all of them work out.
I was mildly interested to see this new Facebook friend is into weight loss.
Hey, me, too! I even have my own diet. We do have something in common. But why was this post in my notifications? Oh, right, this is why.
Continue reading “Facebook Friend Fat Fail”
I purposely broke one of mine on January 2nd. The weight of carrying it around all year seemed unbearable to me. I resolved to do something each day to personally or professionally improve myself or the world. I’m not talking about a daily shave or shower here, although my family would heartily endorse a resolution dedicated to my personal hygiene. No, I wanted to make a real difference. I responded to that resolution by doing nothing at all on January 2nd.
I felt better once that was out of the way, but I am still trying each day to follow that resolution. However, if I get to the end of the day, and haven’t done much of anything, well …
I’m okay with that, because I broke the resolution back on January 2nd. Yes, it is twisted logic, but it works for my twisted mind.
I made another resolution, and I barely kept that one going yesterday.
Continue reading “How Are Those New Year’s Resolutions Going?”
Some of my most popular posts are about weight loss and diets. Readers really liked my Cereal Killer Diet post. It was meant as a joke. But then, I stepped on the scale last weekend and reacted like this …
Holiday gorging combined with no exercise due to illness left me wondering if I was really seeing those numbers on the scale. It’s demoralizing. You make progress in the good weather, try and hold the line in winter, and all it takes is one batch of extra-yummy Christmas cookies or a few days off from exercise and this happens …
Continue reading “The Joke Diet Actually Works?”
These cold, wet, and grey days are not good for my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I think I may actually be getting a simulated sunburn from all the sunlight-simulating lights I have on in my office. Fortunately, living in the greater Chicagoland area, the weather frequently changes. Let’s take a look at the upcoming weather and see if the cold, wet, grey days will become more palatable.
Hmm, it looks like colder, snowy, and grey days ahead. However, if I substitute gray for grey, gray seems a bit cheerier to me. It’s not much, but I’ll take it! And we are just one week away from the days starting to get longer after the winter solstice!
For those who struggle with depression and can’t do the mental masturbation I do to convince myself that it’ll all eventually be okay, dial 988 nationwide in the USA to speak with a counselor. The holidays are hard. Get help when you need it.
The opportunity seemed to be well within my grasp. I could finally parlay my fat into cash. I just needed to be overweight and willing to lose weight. As you may know from prior posts, I am both.
There are two weight loss clinical trials that caught my eye. One was more local in downtown Chicago. I could easily take the train into Chicago and walk to the clinic, but I wouldn’t want to walk so fast that I would lose too much weight so that I would no longer be considered fat. I would have to leisurely stroll. It paid okay, but the real payday was at a research clinic a couple hours north in Madison, Wisconsin. Their weight loss clinical trial is paying $18,000+ for participation in their 6 month trial which includes some overnight stays with meals provided. Yes, it would include several all-expense-paid vacations for me.
But there is a problem …
Continue reading “Me, Make Money? Fat Chance.”
I saw that a new cure for baldness has been approved by the US Food & Drug Administration.
I can see why that little one may have an interest in the new drug Olumiant. But what about me? I am also follically-challenged. Do I have an interest in it?
Continue reading “A Hair-Raising Opportunity”
There was a time when I thought nothing of going out at 10PM to start my night out. These days, if it is dark out, regardless of the actual time, even during a solar eclipse in the middle of the day, I want to go to bed. Last week, I was experiencing some anxiety about heading into Chicago on a work night to go see a punk rock concert with my son. It seemed so wrong on so many levels for someone my age.
But I sucked it up and drove to Chicago during rush hour. To my surprise and relief, I made it on time! My son advised me we were going to take a bus. I had never ridden a Chicago Transit Authority bus. In fact, we were supposed to take the very bus that was half a block away and about to leave. We ran, and I felt young and fast once again as we caught the bus. My balky left knee not only held up, but it felt better than ever after the short sprint. As we entered the bus, I wondered how many altercations I would be in as we rode. I had prepared for the evening by not shaving for a few days in a futile effort to look tougher. As it turned out, we didn’t get in even one scrape, although I swear a matronly grandmother gave me the stinkeye as I snagged the last open seat before she did.
We had a casual, relaxing meal before the concert, but my anxiety rose again as we walked to the concert hall. This would be a concert by the Australian punk trio The Chats. If that name sounds familiar, you may have been one of a couple people who read my post about their latest release. I figured I would be the oldest in the concert, but it turned out there were plenty of olds at the show. Being a senior with hearing loss was probably good. The Chats were loud. Take a listen.
Continue reading “For One Night, I Was Young Again”
Yesterday, I went to get my second Covid booster. The pharmacist offered me the Bivalent booster. I asked him what the difference was. He replied, “Covid blah blah blah, and booster yadda yadda yadda.” That’s all I needed to hear. I willingly took the Bivalent booster. I haven’t had any severe side effects to the Bivalent booster, except now I appear to be equally attracted to men and women.
Maybe robbery? I’m not sure, but I am certain that I do try and avoid eating meat, primarily for religious reasons as I am an ordained Dudeist priest. But it is also a super-healthy way to avoid eating very tasty, enjoyable food. So, when I got the call to do a taste test for a plant-based food, I was all in. Plant-based eats and paying me money to shovel them into my pie-hole? It was too good to be true. I headed over to pick up my food for an at-home taste test.
As I drove over to the testing facility, my mind spun with all the plant-based food possibilities. Maybe it would be a savory rump roast made entirely from chickpeas? Or, perhaps it was a complete Thanksgiving dinner molded out of ground brussel sprout meal.
Instead, it was this …
Continue reading “If Meat is Murder, Then What is Dairy?”
For you unsophisticated readers, I believe that title translates to “Hello France, I have finished my Channel swim,” but I could be mistaken and it may mean “Hello France, I have a badger in my pants.” I’m hoping for the former as I have figuratively arrived in France after my swim across the English Channel this summer. The French were quite excited for my arrival earlier this week.
You can see my route from the beach at Dover in England to just southwest of Calais per this map.
Continue reading “Bonjour France, J’ai Un Blaireau Dans Mon Pantalon”
Some of you may be wondering why I have not recently chronicled my battle with weight. Well, there has been a sort of detente between me and my fat for one year now. Sure, there have been minor ups and downs, but for the most part, I have maintained my weight for exactly one year.
Although this stable weight was not my ultimate goal weight, it is 15 pounds down from my portly apex and a weight I’m semi-comfortable at. I still jiggle but don’t draw as much attention as I used to.
I’ve been somewhat resigned to being 5 pounds away from my goal weight which would still put me at about 10 pounds overweight. But then, I discovered what I am calling the Cereal Killer Diet. It seems like only yesterday that I stumbled upon it, when in fact, it was two days ago. Let me take you back in time to those events of that fateful day.
No, Jugs of Urine is not a new exercise craze like Buns of Steel was many years ago.
No, jugs of urine is what I get paid money for. Yes, people pay for my pee-pee. Why?
Continue reading “Jugs of Urine”
I have successfully recovered from my bout with cellulitis. Not that any of you care. I can count on one hand the cards, letters, boxes of candy, flowers, cash, gift cards, etc. that I received, and I don’t have to use any fingers or even my hand. Fortunately, as I recovered from the cellulitis, I developed a case of plantar fasciitis so that I can still have something to complain about.
If you are not familiar with plantar fasciitis, it’s quite painful. But sometimes, from pain comes amazing art. However, in this case, I wrote a poem. More accurately, it is free verse, because I was too lazy to rhyme. Before you click to continue reading my new creation, I should warn you that the two people I have read this to have been at a loss for words upon hearing it, and not necessarily in a good way.
Continue reading “Defeeted”
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 