Well, after publishing excerpts from chapter one, nobody stepped up and told me to stop writing this nonsense. You only have yourselves to blame for the following excerpts from the campaign diary called My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President.
Chapter Two – The Debates, June 28, 2019
I was planning on catching up on some projects this week, but Ray had other ideas. I swear this President thing has gone to his head. I’m weeks behind on re-watching my episodes of The Amazing Race. I’m pretty convinced that they film the show in a Hollyweird studio like they did the moon landing. To people like me who know what to look for, the moon landing was obviously staged and filmed right here on Earth. After watching each episode of The Amazing Race a few times, I can usually pick-up on the mistakes they make during the filming in their studio. For example, Phil (that’s the host) one time called a country the racers were supposedly in Australia, and then in another episode he called it Austria. Little mistakes like that tip me off that it is all scripted and staged.
But Ray had his heart set on watching the Democratic debates. Thanks, Obama. I told him he’s nuts. He don’t have to watch the Democratic debates if he’s running as a Republican. Ray said that he needs to do his campaign research on the candidates that he will be facing in the general election. So there went my TV watching for the middle of the week.
I have to admit that it was kinda fun. Ray suggested we pop some corn which was a mighty nice suggestion. You see, Ray’s not supposed to eat anything. He don’t have a stomach! He does have taste buds though, so he sometimes just chews on some of the food I make. I always remind him not to swallow, or it may wind up somewhere inside of us it’s not supposed to go. Ray’s a good sport about that and always tries to keep his spit-bucket handy.
I used to make microwave popcorn since it is so darn easy, and they have all sorts of good flavors. But Ray’s internet research on that dang phone of his told him that the microwave stuff is loaded with chemicals that can kill me. And if my ship sinks, Ray doesn’t have a chance unless they put his head on top of a robot body like I’ve seen done in some movies. If we have the technology to fake putting a man on the moon and having people race all over the world, we sure should be able to put Ray’s head on a robot body.
(more words about popcorn omitted)
I was a little disappointed with the line-up for the first night’s debate. I hardly recognized anyone’s name. I swear that they pulled some of those debaters from the crowd. Ray says that’s not the case, except maybe for one of them. I did recognize that Liz Warren. She looks a little like one of Uncle Ernst’s old girlfriends. And by old, I mean in age. Ern always liked those older women. Warren might be a bit long in the tooth, but she kinda reminds me of that Energizer bunny’s grandma.
Warren sure does have a plan for just about anything and everything. Economy? Got a plan. Foreigners? Got a plan. Climate change? Got a plan, even if climate change is phony. I’m a little surprised she fell for that climate change stuff. She seems pretty smart to me. Ray says that Liz Warren would be a formidable opponent in the general election due to all her smarts and her plans for everything. I think Ray would do good debating her if he threw issues at her where no way would she have a plan. Like Y2K. Got a Y2K plan? No? Well, we do. Boom! That’ll set her back a bit for sure.
(some background about Ray & Gary’s education omitted)
I know Trump went to some fancy schools out East and probably got a better education than Ray. Trump calls himself a stable genius and I don’t doubt that. Just look at all the dang books he’s wrote. Ray hasn’t written a book, although I don’t doubt he could. Hey, maybe this here campaign diary I’m writing will be a book. Whoa, that would be something if I wrote a book and Ray didn’t. Every time Ray corrects me for one of my mistakes like making a left turn on red or giving Duane at the general store some old receipts instead of money when I’m trying to buy a pack of gum, I could just wave this here book in Ray’s face and call him Bookless Ray. That’d shut him up.
(Wrestling, Kamala Harris, & Mayor Pete info omitted)
Ray’s not too worried about the old guys, Biden and Bernie. Heck, they are so old that they may not even make it to Election Day. Ray’s strategy iffen he faces either one of them is just to say they are too damn old, period. Who can argue with that? It’s simple math. Even I understand that. Believe it or not, there’s an even older candidate named Mike Gravel who the Democrats didn’t allow to debate, maybe because they think he’s too damn old. Ray tells me he would be a 90-year-old President if we elected him. I like his name though, for President or for a private detective. It sounds rough and tough, just like I want from my President or private eye.
I would have to say the second night of the debates was a big success. Ray got to take some good notes and his spit-bucket didn’t overflow. NBC seemed to fix their technical issues so that the candidates weren’t switching back and forth talking English and Mexican all night. And I got to watch a new summer TV show about competitive miniature golf on ABC before the second debate. It was a good night all around.
Chapter Three is under way. It’s not too late to stop me before I write more. I beg you to put a stop to this madness before I publish excerpts again.