A Powellful Endorsement

Just recently, retired General Colin Powell endorsed Joe Biden for President. Yes, the same Colin Powell who served as NSA under Reagan. Yes, the same Colin Powell who served as Commander of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under Bush 1 and Clinton. Yes, the same Colin Powell who served as Secretary of State under Bush 2. Still don’t believe me? See for yourself …

jaw drop

Definitely a shocker and also a great opportunity for some excellent Biden campaign slogans tied to Powell’s endorsement. It all hinges on the fact that Powell pronounces his first name like one says the word colon. That leads me to these slogans for the Biden camp to consider.

#1) Listen to your head, heart, and Colin – Vote Biden 2020. Huh? What do you think? No? Oh, don’t worry. I have more.

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Why Do Republicans Support Trump? Mystery Solved!

Why Republicans support Trump has confounded me over the past 4 years. Seemingly intelligent family and friends blindly follow Trump regardless of what idiocy he spouts or does. It is truly bewildering. But I’ve finally solved the mystery, thanks to Facebook.

I noticed this Facebook challenge that one of my Facebook friends did.

Triangle D

That Facebook friend is a staunch Democrat, hence the blue D. Okay, I’ll admit it. 24 is not the correct answer. There are 18 triangles. How can I be sure? I used to be a math major in college, I’m an annoying smarty-pants, and in my spare time, I enjoy looking at brightly colored geometric shapes for hours on end. 18 is the correct answer.

Now take a look at how a loyal Republican answered.

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Post Super Tuesday Voices

The voices I hear normally tell me to practice good personal hygiene and try to stay semi-sober. However, in the wake of Super Tuesday, they have been overshadowed by new voices as I contemplate my upcoming Illinois primary vote.

My wallet had been telling me to vote for Mike Bloomberg, but how can I trust my wallet? No matter how much money I put in it, I always find it empty. Moot point now as Bloomberg is out. Hey Mike, you can always look back and know that American Samoa was all in for you. I think him being in the race was good. He showed the rest of the Democrats exactly how to attack Trump. His anti-Trump ads were clever and effective. I hope they continue.

My heart has been telling me to vote for Elizabeth Warren. However, my heart is also responsible for me ending up with … Continue reading

Winnowing the Candidates – Super Tuesday Edition

When I last winnowed, I had no idea that we would be talking about a new candidate when I winnowed again. I also had no idea that I wouldn’t winnow again until Super Tuesday, but the candidates were doing sufficient self-winnowing. I really like that word … winnow. Anyway, welcome to the race, Mike Bloomberg, and don’t let the door hit you in the ass when you leave … quickly … like right now. Consider yourself winnowed. We don’t need 2 non-Democrats in the Democratic primary.

I’m not surprised Elizabeth Warren is still in the race. I love her as a politician and would be proud to vote for her for President. However, I appear to be in the minority. I have heard her described as shrill. The Return of Shrillary? I think the USA still has a ways to go before accepting and electing a female as President, and that makes me sad.

Over the course of this campaign, I have personally supported the candidacies of Beto O’Rourke, Eric Swalwell, Kamala Harris, Amy Klobuchar, Mayor Pete, Liz Warren, and Joe Biden. Boy, can I ever pick the quitters. You may notice one big name candidate missing from that group. That candidate is who I voted for in the 2016 Democratic primary. That candidate is …

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The Single Biggest Threat to Democracy

There are those that think that having a cruel, vindictive, racist, sexual predatory, dementia addled, Adderall snorting, Fox News watching, fast food & Diet Coke guzzling, fake tan and hair wearing, popular vote losing, foreign government conspiring, forever impeached moron in the White House is the single biggest threat to our democracy. Maybe. I think a case could legitimately be made.

However, consider this …

Ballot 2020

Yes, I am running again for a position nobody wants. The fact that a dope like me can get on a ballot should also get some consideration as a threat to our democracy.  I highly suggest some guardrails be added in the future to prevent this abomination from ever happening again.

A Twitter Mystery

As the election cycle heats up, Russian Twitter bots are starting to swarm. If I get a new follower with a Twitter name including a long string of numbers, bad grammar in their tweets, and pro-Trump tweets, I’m pretty sure that it’s a Russian bot. They get an automatic block. I follow an outstanding political cartoonist, @repeat1968, who imagined what those pro-Trump Russian bots look like …

yolo4

Terrifying. I always keep my eyes to the skies now.

When I got the following notifcation from Twitter, I immediately thought “eat” because I was hungry at the time. And then I thought “bot” because of the Twitter name. But that’s when the mystery started. Take a look …

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My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President – Chapter Five – The Challenges & Challengers

Well, we’ve reached the halfway point. I’m halfway finished writing a crappy novella. The good news there is that you’ll be halfway done reading excerpts from a crappy novella once you are done reading this post. Let’s get started, the sooner the better.


After the big announcement of Ray running for President, I was wondering, “Now what?” It seemed like a whole lot of work was ahead of us, and the bursitis in my knee was flaring up something awful with some wet weather we was having. I’m no quitter, but with football back on TV, watching the Iowa Hawkeyes go undefeated in September seemed like a lot more fun than knocking on doors or stuffing envelopes. And how about that 18-17 comeback win over the Iowa State Cyclones? I hate winning the game with a field goal, and they shoulda whipped those Cyclone asses more, but a road win sure as hell beats losing. And it was a honey of a whale of a ding-dong dilly of a game.

I know what you’re thinking — I should be an Iowa State fan since Okawana is closer to Iowa State than U of I. But I’ve always been a Big Ten fan, even though there’s 14 teams now in the conference. Ain’t that crazier than a Trump tariff? And why the hell is Rutgers part of the Big Ten? If you ask me, they should be part of one of them fancy conferences back east. I’d rather have Iowa State in the Big Ten so I can see them Cyclones get their asses whuppped every week by Big Ten teams. But Iowa State is in the Big 12, and they only got 10 teams. They can’t afford to lose any more. I say the Big Ten should give the Big 12 Rutgers and Maryland so the Big 12 can be the Big 12 again. Only having 10 teams in the Big 12 must be downright embarrassing.  Hey, here’s a joke. Why is it called the Big 12 and not the Big Twelve? Because them Big 12 students are so dumb they can’t spell twelve. I made that one up myself.

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Truckin’

Yesterday, while Democratic candidates were beating each other up in a debate, House Republicans on a retreat in Baltimore were listening to a rambling, repetitive diatribe from guest-slurrer Donald Trump. Yes, the same Baltimore that Trump decried as rat-infested. So, MadDog PAC and Twitter provocateur Claude Taylor (@TrueFactsStated) took their Trump Rat Truck to Baltimore to join the protests. Oh, they also embellished the street sign a bit.

Rat in Baltimore.JPG

I just bought one of those signs from MadDog PAC (you can too at www.maddogpac.com) and am looking for a landing spot on the Flanigan compound to proudly display it. The Baltimore Sun covered the event and the counter-protests. I read their article online mainly to see what they said about the Trump Rat Truck. However, in the course of reading the article, an ad came up. That’s normal, but this time the ad was just so apropos. The article was talking about House Republicans losing the majority in 2018, and this was the ad that followed …

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My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President – Chapter Four – The Announcement

I wanted to release excerpts from Chapter 4 on Labor Day, but I didn’t. Uh, that doesn’t really sound like a good excuse or explanation. Pretty lame. Let’s just agree that the important thing is that excerpts from the Chapter 4 rough draft follow below.

Now for those that haven’t read along with MPTWTBP up to this point, good for you. Don’t waste your time. Go for a walk. Climb a mountain. Pick wildflowers. Take hallucinogens. Enjoy life. For those of you who are resistant to most of those ideas, but open to the hallucinogens, here are the links to the first 3 chapters. Note: Take the hallucinogens first.

This chapter is the longest, so there are many yuks, laughs, giggles, and guffaws that didn’t make it into these excepts. Take it from me … my side is still split from laughing so hard. Very messy and inconvenient though. Anyway, here we go with some Chapter 4 excerpts.

Chapter Four – The Announcements, August, 2019

From the beginning, Ray had planned to declare his candidacy over the 4th of July weekend. He thought that would be darn patriotic and fit in well with the rest of the festivities in Okawana. Even before Iowa legalized fireworks back in 2017, the townfolk’s been gathering in the grove of trees by the diner on the 4th for a little town picnic and games. My favorite game was to see whose pet looked most like their owner. Wanda Bixley’s bulldog, Brutus, won most years I can recall. Oh, there was one year when that nerdy writer fella who bought the Pike’s old farmhouse as a quiet place to write his big, fancy novel came to the picnic. Someone nominated the fella’s goldfish since that writer had a sorta fish face with thick glasses that made his eyes look bulgy. Who knows if the guy even had a goldfish, but you can be sure that goldfish won and the writer never came back. Brutus was back to winning the next year even though Wanda was wearing her hair long at the time.

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My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President – Chapter Three – The Issues

Another month, another chapter. If you need to catch up, here are links to Chapter 1 and Chapter 2. Despite adjusting my medications, I put more words down on paper to create a Chapter 3, this time about campaign issues. Gee, that sounds dry. It was difficult to write about serious issues in a light-hearted way. I’m not sure I succeeded. Regardless, here are some excerpts from a raw, unedited third chapter about issues facing us today.

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Notes from Debate #1A

In between moments of sheer boredom (because most of the candidates were all correct most of the time last night), I took copious notes that I will share with you.

Bill de Blasio – Rude, brash New Yorker who helped raise his profile significantly with his bravado. Uh-oh, that sounds familiar.

Tim Ryan – Looks like Bill de Blasio’s son. Nothing else to see or hear here. Move along.

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My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President – Chapter One – The Decision

Well, I warned you all. Here are excerpts from Chapter One of the book that I’m writing concurrent with the presidential campaign. Yes, the grammar is wrong. It is written in the first person – a campaign diary supposedly written by the modestly-educated host twin of the parasitic twin candidate. The grammar is meant to be wrong. Click to read the excepts, if you dare.

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What is Wrong with this Blog?

The title of this post could apply to this blog from the very first post, but it is especially applicable now. It used to be that readers could count on a post full of drivel from me almost every single day. You may have noticed (and rejoiced) that my posts have become more sporadic and less Trumpy. As for the latter, I am just sick of that saggy skin sack of lies and monkey feces. Sorry, that’s not fair to monkeys.

monkey mad.gif

Wow, touchy. I said I was sorry. Anyway, I just want Trump impeached and voted out in 2020. I find nothing funny about him any longer.

As for the sporadicity (not a word, but a potential album title) of my posts, that’s another story.

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Winnowing the Candidates – Summer Vacation Edition

So far, we have made progress in winnowing the candidates. Here’s who we have winnowed so far:

  • Bernie Sanders
  • Tulsi Gabbard
  • John Delaney
  • Seth Moulton
  • Tim Ryan
  • Mike Gravel
  • John Hickenlooper
  • Wayne Messam
  • Andrew Yang
  • Eric Swalwell

Needs reasons? Just search this blog for winnowing to find all the posts. That leaves us with this field remaining.

Dem Candidates 22 wo swalwell

Except, I wasn’t quite sure who this guy is … Dem unknown

Reverse Google Image Search suggested Dr. Dorociak, a dentist from Sarasota or the deceased Daniel Judd of Gloucester, MA. I wouldn’t doubt that either of them may be running. I narrowed it down to an already-winnowed Tim Ryan or new-to-the-race NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio. Not quite sure, but it won’t matter by the end of this article. Spoiler alert!

Not pictured is former Alaskan Senator and current old man Mike Gravel, responsible for the coolest meme of the 2020 campaign so far.

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Winnowing the Candidates – Three Must Flee

This is really getting ridiculous. I can’t cut Democratic presidential candidates fast enough before more take their place. Here’s a recent poll from Emerson, and I have lined-out in red the candidates I have already eliminated.

Democratic Poll 5-19

Now we have Montana Governor Steve Bullock and NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio entering the race. I hate to do it, but it’s time to cut three. Here we go.

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Winnowing the Candidates – Pelosi’s Revenge

To catch-up the Trump supporters and similar slow/non-readers of this blog, here are the candidates we have eliminated from the Democratic primary race to date.

I mean, really, someone has to tell these people to go home and stop wasting money. I felt bad about the Delaney winnowing since he was the first in the race and seems like a good guy, until I saw this …

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Winnowing the Candidates – Twofer Edition

This is not becoming a favorite recurring blog post of mine. I liked it when I was eliminating candidates such as John Hickenlooper, Bernie Sanders, and Comrade Tulsi Gabbard from the Democratic presidential race. But now I have to start cutting some good people, like this guy.

John Delaney Three guesses who he is. Go …

Nope, nope, and nope. That presidential candidate is …

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Winnowing the Candidates – Part 1 Revised – Pete’s Back, Back Pete

Thankfully, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg has taken his sweet time to officially announce he’s out of the Democratic race for President after I cut him last week. I’m certain he’s not ignoring me, and has just been getting his campaign in order before withdrawing gracefully from the race. Hold on, Mayor Pete. You’re back in.

My decision is partially because there was a winnowing of potential candidates that organically took place over the last week. Just take a look at this list that announced they are not running:

  • Michael Bloomberg. He will have to find solace with just being a billionaire and the 9th richest person in the world. Poor guy.
  • Hillary Clinton. She will have to be satisfied knowing that she could win the popular vote against Trump … again.
  • Senator Jeff Merkly. I like him even more after he pranked us with this video announcing he will not run.
  • Senator Sherrod Brown. He took Ben Carson’s advice at the 1:00 minute mark in this video, and he’ll be reprising Peter Falk’s role as Columbo in a new Broadway play. brown columbo 1
  • Former Attorney General Eric Holder. He is the main reason Mayor Pete is back in the race. I’ll explain.

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A Weight Has Been Lifted

My life has been decidedly different the past two months. Sure, the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s holidays have played a role in changing my life as I have been selling my blood plasma weekly in order to pay for holiday entertaining and presents. Do you know how hard it is to type when you’re woozy from being a pint low? But that’s not the real change. I’m talking about shedding a weight that has rested heavy on my shoulders the past two years. I know, I know, I should also shed some weight around my mid-section. But that weight on my shoulders was formidable, and now it is almost completely gone, lifting itself from my shoulders pound by pound daily over the past two months. And it has definitely changed this blog. Thank God something has. I’ll explain.

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A Father’s Fantasy Love

My team’s fortunes in my Trump-lover-filled family’s fantasy football league have taken a turn for the better since changing my team name and logo to the Blue Wavers.

blue wave

My team continues to win and finds itself sitting 1 game out of the last playoff spot with 2 games left to play in the regular season. Call it superstition or stupidity (they may actually be used interchangeably), but I am keeping my team name as Blue Wavers for another week as long as the wins keep piling up. However, the team is now Blue Wavers 38 as even more House seats have fallen to Democrats amounting to a net gain of 38 House seats. How are these election results still coming in? Do they have preschoolers hand-counting the ballots?

But my fatherly love was tested thanks to my fantasy football team this week.

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Steve Bannon’s Halloween Nightmare

It wasn’t too long ago that former Trump adviser Steve Bannon had thoughts of using his lofty position in the Trump Administration as a possible jumping off spot for a future run at the presidency. He did have the ear of the most powerful and moronic man in the world, Donald Trump.

US-POLITICS-TRUMP-STAFF

 

And then, just like that, Bannon was gone from the Trump Administration. And last night, on All Hallows’ Eve Eve, Steve Bannon found himself facing his worst Halloween nightmare here …

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Meet Jeff Fortenberry *stifled chuckle*

Jeff Fortenberry is a member of the House of Representatives from the state of Nebraska. And he’s got a funny name. You know how you want to say his last name. Go ahead, say it. I know you just said it. It is funny, isn’t it? But you know what’s not funny? Violence and vandalism. See Jeff’s tweet below.

fartenberry tweet crop

Except, when it looks like this …

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Bust the Trust

Last night at a rally in Houston, Lyin’ Ted Cruz bowed and paid fealty to Donald Trump.

Cruz bows to Trump

At the moment he bowed before his new dark overlord, Lyin’ Ted became Winning Ted in Trump’s view. At that moment, in the eyes of Trump, Cruz’s father was exonerated for being part of the plot to kill JFK. At that moment, Trump decided to no longer call Heidi Cruz ugly in public, although he reserved the right to still think she is.

The Trumps were in Houston to “help” Cruz in his Senate race against Democrat Beto O’Rourke, who could be the most exciting Senate candidate to ultimately lose. Let’s hope Democrats find something for him to do for a couple years until the next election.

Meanwhile, Cruz is running a campaign with this motto …

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Democracy is Healthy

This whole democracy thing is really getting me healthy. The precinct I serve as Democratic Precinct Committee Person is large geographically. There are some large homes on large lots. I already blogged that some of the driveways of the larger homes are longer than the street I live on. I can’t efficiently walk from home to home, even if I drive into the neighborhood. My trusty old bike is the best way to quickly travel from door to door in some neighborhoods in my precinct.

Bike

As I traveled to the far reaches of my precinct on my bike shortly after dawn one day, I encountered this …

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Sergeant Flanigan?

After the upcoming primary election in a week, area Democrats will get together the following month for a unifying convention. Yay! Party time!

ComicCon-GavinBond

It could be as contentious as shown in the pic after an increasingly nasty primary campaign, but I do not expect it to look that fun or weird. I am excited that there may be a new opportunity for me to rise up the ladder in the Democratic Party.

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The Proof is in Your Sticker

I voted early in the Illinois primary. See, I have proof. I have a sticker.

Vote Early

I voted with my middle daughter, which I thought was kinda’ cool. I did tell her it was a crime if she didn’t take a sticker. She bought it!

It also felt weird, but good, to be voting with one of my kids. How did she get to be 21 and why do I still have a much younger daughter not even in double-digits yet in age? What felt even weirder was knowing that she voted for me.

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Moore Changes Coming

Today is election day in Alabama for the Senate seat vacated by Jeff Sessions. The Alabama GOP and the RNC have done everything possible to replace a racist with a racist, homophobic, misogynistic, evangelical Christian alleged pedophile. Say that 3 times fast. If Alabama does send Roy Moore to the US Senate, plans can move forward with the following changes for Alabama …

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Trump FIRST

Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump rolled out his FIRST plan today. FIRST stands for Fix It Right Says Trump, and is meant to be a team-focused attempt to address America’s problems with teams being led by experts on those issues.

Donald Trump himself heads the America FIRST team, and has started making appointments to head his various FIRST teams that will tackle and fix America’s problems.

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Trumpnado

I saw this list of guest celebrity cameos in “Sharknado, The Fourth Awakens.”

  • Gary Busey
  • Tommy Davidson (“In Living Color”)
  • T’Keyah Crystal Keymah (“In Living Color”)
  • Imani Hakim (“Everybody Hates Chris”)
  • Masiela Lusha (“George Lopez”)
  • Cynthia Bailey (“Real Housewives of Atlanta”)
  • Erika Girardi (“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”)
  • Robert Herjavec (“Shark Tank”)
  • Lori Greiner “(Shark Tank”)
  • Kym Johnson (“Dancing With the Stars”)
  • Carrie Keagan (TV host)
  • Gena Lee Nolin (“Baywatch”)
  • Alexandra Paul (“Baywatch”)
  • Benjy Bronk (“The Howard Stern Show”)
  • Duane Chapman (“Dog the Bounty Hunter”)
  • Stacey Dash (“Clueless”)
  • David Faustino (“Married With Children”)
  • Frank Mir (MMA fighter)
  • Roy Nelson (MMA fighter)
  • Seth Rollins (WWE star)
  • Vince Neil (Motley Crue)
  • Wayne Newton
  • Todd Chrisley (Chrisley Knows Best”)
  • Savannah Chrisley (Chrisley Knows Best”)
  • Grayson Chrisley (Chrisley Knows Best”)
  • Dr. Drew Pinsky (“Loveline” host)
  • Patti Stanger (“Millionaire Matchmaker”)
  • Corey Taylor (Slipknot)
  • Andre “Black Nerd” Meadows (YouTube star)
  • DeStorm Power (YouTube star)
  • iJustine (YouTube star)
  • Paul Shaffer (“The Late Show”)
  • Carrot Top (comedian)
  • Chippendales dancers
  • Dolvett Quince (“The Biggest Loser”)
  • Gilbert Gottfried (comedian)
  • Hayley Hasselhoff (“Fearless”)
  • Taylor-Ann Hasselhoff (“Rich Kids Of Beverly Hills)
  • Stassi Schroeder (“Vanderpump Rules”)
  • Jax Taylor (“Vanderpump Rules”)
  • Steve Guttenberg (“Police Academy”)
  • Al Roker (“Today Show”)
  • Natalie Morales (“Today Show”)
  • Jedward (music group)
  • Jay DeMarcus (Rascal Flatts)

Before I knew the list was from the latest Sharknado movie, I thought it may have been a list of the speakers from the Republican National Convention.

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Admiring the Admiral

Retired Admiral John Hutson said about Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump at the Democratic National Convention, “Donald, you’re not fit to polish John McCain’s boots.” Of course, this was a complete red herring as we all know that John McCain prefers loafers (see Sarah Palin as former running mate).

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Trump rescues bloggers, but at what cost?

The Democratic National Convention got off to a rocky start as Bernie Sanders believers appeared ready to take the Jonestown route rather than endorse Hillary Clinton. But the Democratic convention soon settled into thoughtful, rational, stirring speeches presented by prestigious politicians, everyday people, and A-list celebrities not named Scott Baio. What is a political blogger to write about?

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Upstaging the Elephants

The time is nigh for the Democrats to show that a national nominating convention can be substantive and offer clear plans for the country, and not be a thinly-disguised WWE backstory of the feud between Terrible Trump and Killer Cruz. But I think if the Dems want to try and sway some on-the-fence Trump backers to vote Democratic, here are some suggestions to add a little pizzazz to their convention.

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Plagiargate Update: Melania Plagiarism Scandal Broadens

While it appears that Melania Trump’s speech last night at the Republican National Convention did include similar words and thoughts that Michelle Obama’s 2008 speech used, that likely unintended cribbing could have and should have been easily explained away. Instead, the Plagiargate scandal has now just widened.

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Troy Story

Donald Trump has been making “birther” claims this whole campaign that Ted Cruz is not a natural born citizen and not eligible to be elected President. Well, he was born in Canada, eh? I am not prepared to go into a Constitutional interpretation here as both Cruz and Trump weave in and out of the Constitution whenever it suits their needs. My point is that after losing to Cruz in the Wisconsin Republican primary election, Trump has completely confused his birther argument against Cruz along with his followers.

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Trump Threatens Cruz’s Wife

It seems completely normal to hear that Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump is threatening Ted Cruz, but now the wives are involved, the gloves are off and food may be spilled.

After an anti-Trump PAC tweeted out revealing pictures of Melania Trump from a GQ photoshoot, husband Donald came to her aid and threatened via twitter to “spill the beans” on Heidi Cruz. He didn’t provide more details about what dirt he was planning to dish on Heidi. I hope it is not the police report from 11 years ago that indicated she was having some mental health incident. Yawn. I mean, she MARRIED Ted Cruz. I think anyone would have mental health challenges being married to that creepy guy.

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Marco? Rubio! Marco? Rubio!

In honor of Marco Rubio’s crashing and burning presidential campaign, I suggest the kid’s swimming pool game of tag formerly known as Marco Polo now be called Marco Rubio. That’s about the only thing that will ever be named after him as it is becoming clear that there will never be a Marco Rubio Presidential Library. Consider this …

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Best. Reality. TV. Ever. Except …

Wow, the series of 10 Republican Presidential debates taken together has been the best reality television series ever. Despite the lack of substantive discussions or facts, there was drama, comedy and conflict, exactly what you want from reality TV. Each debate saw candidates get “voted off” the main debate by how they polled with us, the general public. We even saw some “get rescued” from the junior debate and get back to the main stage when their poll numbers rose, again thanks to us. But there is just one problem.

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