Buy Bargain Book

The blockbuster novella I published earlier this year called My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President is for sale this weekend for under $1. Use this link to buy a digital copy you can read on a PC, Mac, iPhone, Android phone, or Kindle tablet for just $0.99 … https://tinyurl.com/BuyTwinBook. All proceeds will be donated to local Democratic candidates.

The NY Times Book Review noted, “This is one of the most powerful books of 2020.” They weren’t talking about the book I published, but my book does have reviews. How about this one?

“A witty story that combines humor, satire, and astute observations of our current political reality. Connects the absurd with contemporary issues, providing the reader with an unexpected, humorous, and thought-provoking perspective of modern times. Well written and engaging from cover to cover. Highly recommended!” Who needs the NY Times Book Review when you have a review like that on Amazon?

Now if you don’t intend to purchase, I need to introduce you to the illustrator.

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War with Iran has weighed heavy on my mind this past week. I think I have figured out how this Iran mess transpired. Here’s my recreation of possible actual, imaginary conversations.

January 2

Advisor: Happy New Year, President Trump. Impeachment chatter will start again soon.

Trump: We need a distraction. What’s the craziest thing I can do in response to pro-Iranian militants storming our embassy in Iraq?

Advisor: Well, the military’s most extreme option, which they only submitted to make the other options look more attractive, is to assasinate Iran’s #2 in command.

Trump: Hmmm, taking out the Iranian Pence. Sounds good. Let’s do that.

Advisor: But, Mr. President …

Trump: My gut tells me that’s right and that I need a Big Mac. It’s go time on both.

January 8

Advisor: Missiles launched by Iran have landed at 2 of our air bases in Iraq.

Trump: Hmmm, Iranians must like their Pence more than America likes ours. More importantly, how do the polls look?

Advisor: Republicans and Democrats polled are united in their opposition to war with Iran.

Trump: Hmmm, let’s take a look at that sanctions thingy.

Elf on the Shelf to Unionize – Repost with New Content

Work is surprisingly busy this time of the year when I thought business would be winding down a bit. That is actually good since my income is directly linked to my sales, and I just got a peek at my wife’s credit card bill with all the Christmas gift charges on it. I’m swooning just thinking about it. My charge card is also filled with holiday gift charges, but mostly from the Dollar Store so the total hasn’t hit triple digits yet. The bottom line is that I don’t seem to have much time to generate clever posts. I know, you’re asking yourself, “What’s his excuse for the rest of the year?”

Anyway, it seems like a good time to dust off an old Elf on the Shelf post from 4 years ago that continues to get a lot of views around Christmas. Our youngest child is now past the Elf on the Shelf stage, so that frees up some of my time at night that previously had me occupied finding clever hiding spots for Holly, my daughter’s Elf. I still regret perching Holly on the toilet that one time.

elf toilet.jpg

 

I wish my son had paid more attention before peeing in the middle of the night. No big deal. A couple flushes and Holly was rinsed nicely.

Anyway, here’s the original Elf on the Shelf post from 2015 (with some punctuation corrections) …

The popular elves from The Elf on the Shelf fame have had it with working conditions and are organizing a union. Continue reading

Alabama – Come for the Rape & Stay for the Incest

With the signing of their landmark anti-abortion bill into law, Alabama legislators are reaching out to an often overlooked demographic … male sexual predators who want a family. Alabama’s new anti-abortion law makes no exception in cases of rape or incest, so Alabama has instantly become a desirable destination for sexual predators looking to start a family.

Alabama State Senator Cletus “Skeeter” Fairborn, who voted ‘yes’ on the new law, explained his vote, “Look, Alabama is losing population for some reason. We got to get us some new citizens. Sexual predators are not welcome most places, but here in Alabama we love Judge Roy Moore. He’s a great role model of a sexual predator who has been able to lead a successful life in Alabama. Alabama would be lucky to have more people like Roy Moore moving into the state. Roll Tide!”

Alabama’s new law includes an amendment that provides a financial incentive of $1000 per household for each relative that the household entices to move to Alabama, as long as the relative is a convicted sexual predator, or willing to learn through taking state-approved classes. Skeeter continued, “Family life is real important to us here in Alabama, and what better way is there to expand our families than from healthy breeding stock within our own families?”

When asked to comment on why she didn’t veto the bill that takes control over women’s bodies away from women, Governor Kay Ivey explained, “I’m a woman. I have no control over what my body does.”

She certainly does not any longer.

Is Trump Right About Fake News?

I’m confused, which everyone who has ever read this blog already knows. I think Donald Trump is correct when he complains about ‘Fake News.’ I am starting to believe it exists.

Take this video from Judge Jeanine Pirro from Fox News on Michael Flynn. You may want to skip to the very end where Pirro suggests that Judge Sullivan could throw out Flynn’s guilty plea.

Did you watch the whole video? Did you throw up in your mouth just a bit in parts like I did? Understandable. This “judge throws out Flynn’s guilty plea due to FBI wrongdoing” narrative had been pushed by Fox News and White House talking heads for a while. Instead, Judge Emmet Sullivan, a Reagan appointee, excoriated Flynn in a blistering diatribe to the point of dropping the treason bomb as a possible additional charge. Oops.

And what about the Clinton Foundation?

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Aw Shoot, Back to School

Is anyone really happen about going back to school? Teachers gripe about the students. Students gripe about basically everything, but especially school and teachers. But the investigative team at Jim Flanigan Looks at the World found one group that is thrilled with school back in session. The one group eager for school to resume is potential school shooters.

We gathered a group of people who self-identify as potential shooters to try and understand why school resuming makes them happy.

gun people

Their faces have been hidden, but don’t worry, you will likely see them on the news soon. We asked them all to express their feelings about children being back in school. Continue reading

Fruity Thoughts From a Vegetable

The vegetable mentioned in the title would be yours truly. Now that summer fruits are so readily available, and my vegetable garden is harvestable, I have been having some thoughts about fruits and veggies that I feel compelled to share with you.

I love cherries. Two words for you … Ranier cherries. They are heaven. They are in season. Buy them. Enjoy. You’re welcome.

But I have a problem buying cherries. When I purchase cherries by the pound, I get charged for the pits that are discarded. That’s not fair. However, I do have a solution.

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The Horrors of War

Prelude to War

I stumbled out of bed early yesterday and looked for my weapon. Yes, I was headed to war. If you don’t know what I am talking about, please read about the Civil War II. But I knew there would be nothing civil about it. I grabbed some grub, printed my map and headed for the battlefield with my weapon of choice …

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36 (it’s a play on the title of the TV show called 24 starring Kiefer Sutherland which I never watched but hear was a very good show, although don’t expect that kind of writing quality in this blog post, the title of which numerically implies it should be 50% better than the TV show, but it is definitely not)

Here was what was going to be the plan as I understood it for the past 36 hours. My youngest daughter was having some school friends over to the house for a birthday sleepover as she celebrates turning ten years old. The plan was for my wife and the girls to watch a movie in a tent outside and then fall sleep there. I envisioned myself sitting inside, sipping an ice cold adult beverage, watching whatever movie I wanted to watch (a rare treat) and maybe creating a special Father’s Day Mite Be Funny cartoon that would keep me amused and chortling to myself all evening as I fall asleep with a wry smile on my face.

These last 36 hours have not gone according to plan.

Friday 6AM – I started working from home early Friday morning at 6AM which means I checked Facebook, the news feeds, weather, etc. for a couple hours. I was able to book not one, but two orders from a customer in Mauritius. Ten points will be awarded if you can point where that tiny island nation is located on this map.

world-map-clickable

Give up? OK, here’s the answer …

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Breaking News Fore You

Yeah, yeah, I know the title is misspelled. Par for the course, right. Hmm, I wonder what this post might be ultimately about.

Today’s normally scheduled post which does contain a reference to my toenails has been bumped to tomorrow in lieu of a Special Jim Flanigan Looks at the World Investigation. We were simply not satisfied that the Donald Trump – Kim Jong Un summit in June was canceled because North Korea called Mike Pence a dummy. They certainly did call him that, but no harm since everyone knows he is a dummy. That is no reason to cancel a summit that will legitimize a brutal dictator. We looked further and this is what we uncovered …

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Covfefe & Eggs

BREAKING NEWS …

Sarah Sanders declined to comment to a waitress this morning as to what she would like in her coffee and how she would like her eggs cooked. At (redacted) Grill, Sanders was overheard to say, “Those questions were answered yesterday. I will not keep addressing the same questions, especially those that refer to an ongoing breakfast.”

Rudy Giuliani is expected to clear up the Sanders breakfast controvery on Fox News later today.

Steele Dossier Proven!

UK agent Christopher Steele’s famous salacious dossier has been pooh-poohed universally by Donald Trump and Republicans. One of the things critics point to in order to discredit the dossier is the story about the Russian prostitutes and the golden showers. But finally, we have visual proof of Trump’s depravity.

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Bonus Olympic Coverage

I really wish NBC would cover the Olympics better for the USA. Sure, we get plenty of opportunities to watch sports in which Americans compete for medals like Snowboard and Figure Skating. But I also want to see some of the other sports that are not as popular in the USA. For example, the Swiss dominate the Doubles Pallet Jack, and it’s kind of fun to watch their dominance.

Swiss Pallet

And in Singles Escalator Hanging, the Swiss also excel …

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Trumpbot

BREAKING NEWS …

Trump

We at Jim Flanigan Looks at the World are exclusively reporting that supposed Mar-a-Lago New Year’s Eve revelers Donald and Melania Trump were actually their animatronic robot doubles from Disney World’s Hall of Presidents. Guests were tipped off to something being awry when Trump spoke in uncharacteristically complete sentences that made sense, and Melania exuded warmth, although that may have been from her robot’s CPU.

 

Treason Inside the War on Christmas

We are in a foxhole standing shoulder-to-shoulder, ankle deep in our own filth as we bravely wage the war to defend Christmas. No longer will Barack Alleged Obama not say Merry Christmas to the American people.

OK, bad example. But how do we know the context of those alleged Merry Christmases? Perhaps they were being said in way to mock the USA for the amusement of Obama’s ISIS co-conspirators.

Thankfully, we now have a new Royal Family to lead the way to a Merry Christmas and wage war on those who only wish Happy Holidays. Just take a look at Donald Trump’s Twitter home page image …

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Moore Changes Coming

Today is election day in Alabama for the Senate seat vacated by Jeff Sessions. The Alabama GOP and the RNC have done everything possible to replace a racist with a racist, homophobic, misogynistic, evangelical Christian alleged pedophile. Say that 3 times fast. If Alabama does send Roy Moore to the US Senate, plans can move forward with the following changes for Alabama …

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Meat The Nominee

BREAKING NEWS …

Donald Trump’s choice to be the Department of Agriculture’s chief scientist, Sam Clovis (not a scientist) has withdrawn himself from consideration for the position in light of his recent testimony to Robert Mueller’s investigative team and grand jury regarding his time as a member of the Trump campaign.

Sam Clovis

However, in an unprecedented break with Clovis, deciding to remain in consideration for the position at the Department of Agriculture are the jowls and throat wattle of Clovis. A spokesperson for Clovis’s jowls and throat wattle released a statement saying, “A meaty position like this at the USDA requires a similarly meaty candidate, and the jowls and throat wattle of Sam Clovis certainly meat <wink> that criteria.”

This would indeed be a rare occurrence if jowls and a throat wattle are considered for such a choice, meaty position, and if confirmed, it would be a job well done. Gawd, I’m hungry for a steak now.

No man is an island … but Puerto Rico is!

On the disaster in Puerto Rico, yesterday Donald Trump demonstrated that he had a clear understanding of the gravity of the situation … “This is an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.” I may be hard on Trump sometimes, but in fairness to him, I think he’s got a pretty good handle on the “islandosity” of Puerto Rico. He really nailed it. Puerto Rico is indeed an island in the ocean.

And then he made this promise to the people of Puerto Rico …

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New Trump, Same Bad Memory

I want to extend my congratulations to Donald Trump on the birth of his new grandson, whose arrival was of course tweeted out …

Trump Tweet Grandson

In related news, Trump’s lead lawyer in the Russia investigation, Ty Cobb, said that the newest Trump has no knowledge of anything Russian and would be unavailable to Robert Mueller for testimony regarding the Russia investigation for at least a year. Expected godfather “Uncle” Felix Sater was unavailable for comment.

Broken News

BREAKING NEWS …

Donald Trump honors dead and injured victims of Charlottesville by listening to a Fox News commentator speculate about how many of the victims were paid protesters.

BREAKING NEWS …

Steve Bannon, Sebastian Gorka and Stephen Miller return to work after spending a guys bonding weekend at an undisclosed location in Virginia.

BREAKING NEWS …

Jeff Sessions opens Department of Justice investigation into the car attack in Charlottesville per Trump’s retweet …

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I Did Nazi The Twist Coming That This Movie Review Took

I saw the movie “Dunkirk” yesterday. It was an overall solid movie about the heartbreak of war and the triumph of the human spirit. I am embarrassed to write that going to the movie, I was not certain if it was about WW1 or WW2. In the USA, if history did not happen on American soil or involve Americans, then it is deemed relatively unimportant and actually becomes a bit hazy if it really happened at all. I was disappointed when I realized that the movie was about WW2. I have really had my fill of seeing Nazis in the White House these days. I do not need to see them in the movie theater, too. Fortunately, there is only one brief facial shot of Nazi soldiers right at the end of the movie, making for a poignant ending. Unfortunately, I see more Nazis on cable news every day. Alright, let’s get right to the White House Nazi rankings then …

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