I had a different post planned for today, but this arrived …
My book has been rejected! Well, almost. I didn’t even get that far with Black Rose Writing. My submission to submit my book for consideration has been rejected. I’m confident that if I keep trying, I’ll eventually get a rejection of the manuscript itself. I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try.
What’s that? You’re wondering what manuscript I’m talking about. Well, thanks for your interest. Here it is …
(Editor’s Note: For those of you familiar with this blog and Jim’s shameless book plugs, now is a good time to bail on this post. There will be better posts to read all the way through. On second thought, maybe not based on history. Anyway, your call. If you proceed, you’ve been warned.)
I understand that COVID-19 can be a killer. I mask-up. I sanitize my hands. I isolate myself as much as possible. That last one is especially appreciated by all who know me. But the temptation to get COVID so I can qualify for this study is almost too much for a money-grubbing lowlife like me. I sure could use $4875.
The year is 1968. The hot rock & roll bands are the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and the Monkees, although I distinctly recall girls in my grade school class talking about how much they loved the Turtles. Why can I remember that bit of minutiae and not that garbage day is Tueday?
Anyway, I go back and forth. The Beatles are the greatest rock and roll band ever, right? Sure, we all have our favorite other non-Beatle bands. Mine include XTC, Squeeze, Cage the Elephant, Springsteen & the E Street Band, Wilco, Tame Impala, The Clash, Crowded House, and many others. And I’ll choose to listen to those bands over the Beatles more times than not. But still, the Beatles are tops, right? Right? Well, maybe not.
I’ve been thinking a whole lot about the Rolling Stones recently. They released this song earlier in 2020 around the start of the COVID quarantine.
It’s not a great song, but it’s certainly a good tune that sounds exactly like a Rolling Stones song should sound. They are still producing good new music after more than 50 years! And they’re not half dead like the Beatles. Sure, the Stones lost Brian Jones early on, and Bill Wyman has retired, but Mick & Keith are still going strong with Charlie Watts on drums and Ron Wood on guitar. I’m starting to give the nod to the Stones over the Beatles simply due to longevity.
So, what does this have to do with my book of short stories titled BEYOND: Tales of the Afterlife, available on Amazon? Well, Tale #2 is titled “A Monkee to Die For,” and revolves around a Davy Jones promotional visit to a California record store. In the story, not only is Jones featured in an indirect way, but the Rolling Stones and Beatles also get mentions. My video excerpt in this post from Tale #2 involves a demonic being explaining to a 12 year old girl smitten by Davy Jones that the Rolling Stones may not be as icky as she thinks. Take a look and listen.
I have gotten side-tracked with all this inauguration stuff. I need to get back to hawking my book of 16 short stories titled BEYOND: Tales of the Afterlife while also entertaining you, my valued readers (he said, sucking up to his readers in the hope of making a book sale and earning a few measly coins from Amazon).
In a non-COVID world, I would normally be out on a promotional tour of truck stops and gas stations throughout the Rust Belt of the US reading excepts from the book, with or without the venue’s consent, which can make for an interesting book reading. The readings featuring sock puppets are normally the favorites of people who happen to come inside for a rotisserie hot dog or shower. But with COVID, I have resorted to video readings.
Let’s dive into the first story titled “Doggone.” All 16 stories are connected in some way to the afterlife, and this one finds the lead character, Jerry, waking up in the afterlife confronting God. But not God as humans may typically imagine God. God is in a bit of a different form here, and why not? I won’t give too much away, because I know you are dying to read it (pun intended).
This video clip features me reading about Jerry’s indignation at being the victim of a practical joke played on him by God.
I am sad to say that one of my self-acclaimed and sometimes mildly amusing Mite Be Funny cartoons is NOT the all-time most-viewed post on this blog. It is this monstrosity …
It registers well over 3000 views, and that number continues to grow daily. If you search on Google for “maga hat mark of the best,” my post is at the top of page 2. I hesitate to post a link, but if someone is really interested in the original satirical post on Biblical/political (Biblitical?) numerology, click HERE.
In July, I added this post to disavow the original post as UTTER NONSENSE. It didn’t work. I could just kill the original post, but the views alternately entertain and terrify me. And then this comment from a reader arrived …
Isn’t the featured image on this blog post a beautiful picture? It spoke to me. It spoke to me and said that it had to be my cover pic for my book of short stories called Beyond: Tales of the Afterlife. However, it also told me that I was too fat, so I didn’t speak to it for a while. But we finally sorted out our differences, and I just knew that it had to be the cover for my book. The biggest hurdle was that I was not the artist and didn’t really know the artist and live nowhere close to the artist and well, you get the idea. It was a longshot. The lesson learned is that sometimes asking is the hardest part. The artist said, “Yes.” She also was cool with me stretching the aspect ratio of her painting to fit better as the cover pic I finally used.
The artist’s name is Linda and here’s her online studio … riverjazz.studio. My personal favorites are her abstracts and florals. Here’s an example of one of them she created just the other night …
Well, it took a while, but my book of short stories is finally finished. You can actually read it. It comes complete with real words, full sentences, paragraphs, grammar, quotation marks, hyphens, and mostly coherent stories. And not just a handful of stories, but SIXTEEN of them. You are guaranteed to enjoy some of them. I’ll detail each of the stories in future posts, but suffice to say that they are written to elicit some laughter and contemplative thought concerning our ultimate destination.
How much? How about under a buck at $0.99. That’s less than 7 cents a story, or under 6 cents per story if I include the preface. Why would I include the preface? Well, it’s pretty funny, but I also class it up by quoting Shakespeare. That’s right, THE Bill Shakespeare. Not Jack Shakespeare, my neighbor down the block. Here’s how it starts …
“William Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “To die, to sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there’s the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause.” That’s just one of hundreds of Shakespeare’s quotes that I don’t understand. I’m not sure I even have a mortal coil. I think the surgeon removed my mortal coil during my emergency appendectomy.”
I’m sure the first 2 paragraphs of the preface have convinced you to buy this book. Click this Published Works link to purchase. Go ahead, do it. Not later. Now. Go on. I’ll wait. There, doesn’t that feel better. Now you have hours of chuckle-filled reading entertainment ahead.
And so ends the first of endless posts shamelessly promoting this book. Get ready for more.
There are some changes coming to this website, including ways to spend your money. So, we will use this specific post to test this blog’s new ecommerce ability while offering you a useful product that I myself heartily endorse and just so happen to sell.
With talk of a COVID-19 vaccine coming soon, the USA has thrown all caution out the window and COVID cases continue to reach all-time highs almost daily. We’re #1? My family and I are still taking precautions. One of those precautions includes disinfecting our daily mail and groceries. I know, the odds are unlikely of catching COVID from a postcard or a banana. But I like keeping the odds low, so we continue to wipe down our groceries. But we can’t wipe down our mail or each individual grape. So, we use this thingamajig called the Purify O3 that is actually a CPAP sanitizer.
It generates ozone. Ozone is a marvelous disinfectant. I call it an ozonerator, which is not a word. I explain that is disinfects through ozonification, also not a word. The important thing to remember is that ozone is very effective in killing coronaviruses. So, this is what I do with the mail …
If you missed yesterday’s post, I finished writing a book this weekend. No, not a sequel to my Parasitic Twin novella, but a collection of short stories. As I warned I might do, the title has already been changed to “Beyond: Tales of the Afterlife.” But there were other milestones reached this past weekend.
The blockbuster novella I published earlier this year called My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President is for sale this weekend for under $1. Use this link to buy a digital copy you can read on a PC, Mac, iPhone, Android phone, or Kindle tablet for just $0.99 … https://tinyurl.com/BuyTwinBook. All proceeds will be donated to local Democratic candidates.
The NY Times Book Review noted, “This is one of the most powerful books of 2020.” They weren’t talking about the book I published, but my book does have reviews. How about this one?
“A witty story that combines humor, satire, and astute observations of our current political reality. Connects the absurd with contemporary issues, providing the reader with an unexpected, humorous, and thought-provoking perspective of modern times. Well written and engaging from cover to cover. Highly recommended!” Who needs the NY Times Book Review when you have a review like that on Amazon?
Now if you don’t intend to purchase, I need to introduce you to the illustrator.
I send my stories to my cousin who also happens to be a professional editor. She seems to take great delight in finding and editing my mistakes, and then typically provides some words of encouragement like “this one should definitely be in your book.” She is my mentor. I am her … mentee? manatee? mental?
I’m down to my next-to-last story, and this one didn’t go as I had hoped. I received no edit. I received no encouragement. I did not pass GO or collect $200. Instead, over the course of several emails, my cousin/editor described the story as:
Opposite of uplifting (would that be downlowering?)
Gee, I hope she wasn’t holding back so as not to hurt my feelings. Her guidance and edits have made me a better writer. I absolutely value her opinion. But so far, two other test-readers have liked the story. Hopefully, I will get more feedback from other test-readers this weekend.
Maybe my cousin/editor was too busy with editing projects. Maybe she didn’t even read the 4,000 word story. Maybe she just glanced at this blog to get a general idea about where my writing is today. If that’s the case, I heartily agree with her assessment.
The long-dreaded novella is finally released. I have teased it on this blog before with excerpts. Despite all the warnings and pleadings from my psychiatrist, adviser, priest, therapist, mentor, rabbi, psychologist, consultant, minister, counselor, guru, internet stalker(s), pastor, life coach, wife and kids, I decided to publish anyway. Why would they protest? If the title doesn’t tip you off, maybe the book cover will.
You can purchase here … https://tinyurl.com/BuyTwinBook. Just 3 bucks! If you are outside the USA, try your local Amazon site and search for “parasitic twin.” All you need is an Amazon account. You can download this digital novella to your phone, computer, tablet, or Wang word processor.
ALL proceeds will be donated to worthy candidates and causes in advance of the 2020 election. In other words, Democrats. You will be donating over 2 bucks (our royalty from Amazon after Jeff Bezos takes his cut) to excellent causes.
For more background on Ray & Gary Czyzylck, visit www.elect-ray.webnode.com. If you want, you can email Ray at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter @czylzyck.
WARNING: This novella promises to be unlike anything you have ever read. Keep medical supplies close by when you read it just in case your sides split from laughing too hard.
Buy this book. Ray and Gary are waiting patiently. Come on. Stop reading and order. There are no more jokes in this post. Order now.
Well, the big Book Release Party for the book that has my short story in it has been postponed due to the COVID-19 coronavirus. I am somewhat relieved that I don’t have to be in a social situation with other nerdy writers. Being with myself all the time is bad enough. The book is being released online initially through the publisher’s website at Crow Woods Publishing, and eventually through Amazon, etc. Here’s a mention of my story from the publisher.
I find it so fitting that there is a misspelling in the description. And just a touch of humor? Maybe it would have been funnier if the publisher hadn’t removed a joke.
Anyway, here’s the pic that inspired my story …
If you are interested in an unabridged version of my story with all jokes intact, contact me.
Details coming about more Flanigan Fiction due for release soon. Consider yourself warned.
Well, I warned you all. Here are excerpts from Chapter One of the book that I’m writing concurrent with the presidential campaign. Yes, the grammar is wrong. It is written in the first person – a campaign diary supposedly written by the modestly-educated host twin of the parasitic twin candidate. The grammar is meant to be wrong. Click to read the excepts, if you dare.
The title of this post could apply to this blog from the very first post, but it is especially applicable now. It used to be that readers could count on a post full of drivel from me almost every single day. You may have noticed (and rejoiced) that my posts have become more sporadic and less Trumpy. As for the latter, I am just sick of that saggy skin sack of lies and monkey feces. Sorry, that’s not fair to monkeys.
Wow, touchy. I said I was sorry. Anyway, I just want Trump impeached and voted out in 2020. I find nothing funny about him any longer.
As for the sporadicity (not a word, but a potential album title) of my posts, that’s another story.