Mite Be Funny #96 – Special Winter Anatomy Edition
Author: Jim Flanigan
Fantasy Domination
If you are reading this blog post while wearing a ball gag and handcuffs, I am sorry to tell you that you have been misled by the title. I am talking about fantasy football domination in my family league like this …
Can I get a booyah for a shutout?
Thank you. I don’t know which one of my Trump-loving relatives runs that Bye team (and what a terrible name for a fantasy football team with no logo whatsoever), but that team sucks. They scored nothing against me last week. Total fantasy domination.
But that was last week, and I only have a couple more weeks left in the season to tweak the Trump-lovers in my family fantasy football league with clever team names and logos like last week’s Collusionistas.
I wanted to hammer (and sickle) the Russian connection more, so here is my new team logo …
Microtel All
I had never stayed at a Microtel hotel before. I had always been leery of the ‘micro’ part. Was it a very small hotel, or was it a hotel that catered to very small people? I wasn’t sure, but I booked a night at a Microtel in Springfield, IL due to the very small nightly cost.
I was ready for anything, even this.
It looked nicely normal as I walked into the lobby to check in. The indoor pool is always of interest to me, and it was right off the lobby, so I took a peek at the pool. Uh-oh. This sign poolside explained a lot.
Flies On Washington Walls #135
Pear Pair Less Than Fair Fare
I bought this clearance flatbread because that’s just what I do if I see food on clearance.
But flatbread, that basically means pizza, so this was a pear and blue cheese pizza. Think about that for a minute. How many times have you ordered pizza like, “Give me a large cheese and pear pizza to go. Oh, and make the cheese blue?”
It gets worse. Take a closer look.
Flies On Washington Walls #134
Summer Planning in Winter
The weather is cold. There are patches of snow and ice on the ground. More snow is on the way. The coldest part of winter is still to come in January. However, I am so happy to see our neighborhood already planning for next summer. Looks like our neighbors across the street are putting in a pool and changing cabana.
No Smocking Allowed
Cinemush
I fear my brain is turning to mush. There was a time when I used to go see artsy, foreign films that required interpretation and encouraged spirited conversation. For example, one movie I saw that stands out in my memory was The Tin Drum, an Oscar-winning film from Germany. Here’s what Rotten Tomatoes thinks of The Tin Drum.
Okay, so maybe not great, and what I mainly remember it for was that there were little people in the movie. I’m not sure if they were midgets or dwarfs, but they were definitely little. And I loved Das Boot, another German film that was simply fabulous.
But neither film makes my list of movies I would take to a remote, deserted island. I always think that’s such a dumb concept since there is no power to run a DVD player on a remote , deserted island. But when I play along, I find more and more ‘dumb’ movies peppering my list of ‘must have on island’ films.
For example …
Mite Be Funny #95 – Have a Glass of Eggnog Special Multi-Panel Edition
My Dead Fantasy
The dream is over. When I last blogged about my family league’s Blue Wavers 40 fantasy football team, it had pulled itself out of last place and was stacking wins on the way to the playoffs. Go Blue Wavers 40!
Except, the Blue Wavers 40 didn’t make it. Four straight wins to end the season was not enough to snag the last playoff spot, snatched by a nephew (no longer a favorite) on a tie-breaker. And to think I did a reading at his wedding. After ripping the final playoff spot away from me and stomping my heart into a red gelatinous puddle, he better not ask me to do a reading at his divorce.
But I do get to play on. That means it is time for a team name change to the …
Continue reading “My Dead Fantasy”
There’s a Coal Wind Blowing
Remember when bringing back the coal industry was a thing?
Two years into the Trump Reich and we see this …
Watch Your P’s & Q’s
But especially those Q’s! The QAnon people (known as Q’s) are a subset of Trump supporters. They get their inside info from an anonymous source they call Q. Q tells them that the Deep State is actively working to subvert Trump, but Trump will triumph on … get ready for this … December 5th. Ta-da! Oh wait, it’s already December 6th. This is the point in the show where the magician can’t seem to find the rabbit that was supposed to get pulled from his hat.
Yep, the Q followers should be em-bear-assed for all the ‘lion’ that Q does.
It’s a shame that all their memes will go to waste. Like this mysterious, scary one …
Conservation 101
I’m concerned that I’m not doing enough to protect the natural resources on our planet. Sure, I try and do what I can. I don’t eat meat since beef ranching wastes natural resources. I have read that producing 1 kg of beef requires 5,000 to 20,000 liters of water. Because of the metric references, I have no idea what that actually means. I try not to drink water from plastic bottles. I always pour the water from the plastic bottle into a glass before I drink it. I try and eat a lot of cheese so I don’t poop as frequently. You can see I’m trying to do my part, but is it enough?
I decided to take it to the next level. Did you know that washing dishes by hand can use up to 9 times more water than using a dishwasher? But even dishwashers can waste water. So I fired Manuel, our dishwasher for the past 6 years. Then I decided to explore a revolutionary new way to conserve natural resources while eating meals. It all starts with this …
Flies On Washington Walls #133
I’m Being Followed
I’m not yet very experienced in Twitter. I’m in the process of emerging from my Facebook chrysalis, and my Twitter wings are still wet. So when I saw that it looks like I’m being followed on Twitter by one of the most ruthless mobsters from the most famous crime family in the USA, I was not pleased. I didn’t panic. I didn’t delete all my tweets. I did clean out my 401K, but that was simply to pay a delinquent gas bill. Sorry, but just not a dedicated saver here and the weather is downright cold.
This is the Twitter notification I saw that sent chills through my body, or maybe it was that our gas heat had been shut off for going on 3 days now. Continue reading “I’m Being Followed”
Rudolph, The Lame-Ass Lawyer
Rudy Giuliani was born as Rudolph Giuliani. Yesterday’s holiday-themed post featured a Giuliani tweet, and it got me thinking of a festive holiday parody song featuring him. No, not White Power Christmas, Arrest Ye Guilty Gentlemen, or even O Flip All Ye Guilty. I’m talking about …
Wait, what? You know already? Oh right, the damn title of this blog post. So much for suspense, and the same goes for Mike Pence. Sorry, been doing too much rhyming. Without further ado, here is Rudolph, The Lame-Ass Lawyer.
God Bless Twitter
I am so thankful for Twitter. Now I know how I want my Christmas lights to look this year …
Doesn’t that arouse inside of you a desire to come and see the climax of my Christmas decorating? But that’s not all the holiday decorating that Twitter has inspired.
Every year I do a Nativity on Ice, but it is always so difficult putting skates on the dog. Who else is going to play the role of the ass in the stable? Don’t answer that. Regardless, instead of a Nativity on Ice this season, thanks to Twitter, I am inspired to do … Continue reading “God Bless Twitter”
Mite Be Funny #94
RIP George H.W. Bush
I’m going to put most of my snarkiness aside today and take a day off to mourn the passing of former President George Herbert Walker Bush.
I didn’t always like his politics, but I always believed he was an honorable man and a patriot. However, I cannot completely forgive him for resembling his son, George W Bush, in that picture above.
I hope this “man” will not be invited to the funeral, and if he is, certainly not allowed to speak.
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 