May The Farts Be With You

I’m seriously trying to lose a few pounds these days. I weigh myself every morning, and I like to see progress. I have several theories that have resulted in a strategy I have concocted for weight loss that involves farting, or lack therof.

Theory A

Hot air rises.

Proof: Hot air balloons.

Theory B

Spicy food gives me gas.

Proof: Ask my family.

Theory C

Gas inside of us is at a higher temperature than surrounding ambient air temperature.

Proof: If your body temperature is less than the surrounding ambient air temperature, you are either in Hell or in Arizona in the summertime without air conditioning. Same thing really.

Theory D

Farting releases hot gas that is lighter than air.

Proof: Fart smells travel upward to the nasal region of humans causing great discomfort, waving of the arms and utterances of “wasn’t me.” Notice that dogs and cats do not care if we fart, because the fart gas does not head downward to their level.

And just take a look at the amount of hot gas that we fart each day, according to Science World.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could swallow a balloon full of lighter-than-air hot gas before weighing yourself? Combine these delightful facts and the result is this excellent weight loss strategy.

Strategy

• I will eat spicy food every evening.
• I will refuse to fart all night and every morning until after I weigh in.
• I weigh in.

The hope is that the hot gas farts inside me will actually make me weigh less, sort of like being a human float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. After the weigh-in though, clear out of the room.

And so, Year 3 of my blogging opens with a fart post. Sigh! Well, I was looking for any alternative to write about rather than the imminent nuclear war in order to take the alleged minds of my readers off the coming apocalypse. You’re welcome! Just keep reading this post over and over while you rock slowly in a fetal position.