My Top Ten Times to Weigh Myself

I somehow exited winter and a chilly spring at the same weight I was at before the holidays last year. But now I have another ten pounds I would like to lose, and they will be tough. I’ll be fighting for every fraction of a pound to lose this summer while I still stuff my pie-hole daily. Maybe I should go metric. 10 pounds is just 4.5 kilograms! That sure sounds like a lot less to lose.

Anyway, here are my Top Ten secrets as to when to take to the scale and weigh in.

10) After I cut my fingernails. Admittedly, fingernail clippings will not affect my weight that much, but who doesn’t feel better with neatly trimmed fingernails even if overweight?

9) After I shave. Human hair doesn’t weigh a lot, but I am not restricting the shaving to face only. It adds up.

8) After I cut my toenails. Clippings from the 10 lifeboats hanging off my USS Feet can actually add up to weight loss, especially if I haven’t clipped those meat hooks for a while. I can usually tell if it is time to trim my toenails if my wife’s legs are all nicked up in the morning.

7) After I blow my nose. It’s not so much about the weight loss, but about breathing. After I blow my nose, I can take in a big deep breath and suck in my gut, which I swear makes me lighter.

6) After huffing helium. Nothing more to read here. Move along. I’ve said too much already.

5) After a shower when I’ve got all the crevices and craters clean of excess dirt.

4) After exercise, which sadly doesn’t happen enough. Please pass the helium.

3) After a bout of intestinal distress, food poisoning or stomach flu. If my wife wouldn’t push fluids on me so much during those times, I could really take off the weight.

2) If I have a lot of gas, but haven’t farted. It is much too scientifically complicated to explain here, but I did explain fully in this blog post called May The Farts Be With You.

1) Upon waking, after taking care of my number 1 & 2 morning priorities (if you catch my drift), but before I eat or drink anything. Scale nirvana time.

And if I can combine a couple or several of those before hitting the scale, I will be much happier with the results and less likely to literally hit the scale.