Mite Be Funny #290
Tag: humor
Defeeted
I have successfully recovered from my bout with cellulitis. Not that any of you care. I can count on one hand the cards, letters, boxes of candy, flowers, cash, gift cards, etc. that I received, and I don’t have to use any fingers or even my hand. Fortunately, as I recovered from the cellulitis, I developed a case of plantar fasciitis so that I can still have something to complain about.
If you are not familiar with plantar fasciitis, it’s quite painful. But sometimes, from pain comes amazing art. However, in this case, I wrote a poem. More accurately, it is free verse, because I was too lazy to rhyme. Before you click to continue reading my new creation, I should warn you that the two people I have read this to have been at a loss for words upon hearing it, and not necessarily in a good way.
Continue reading “Defeeted”Is a Milton Berle Reference an Insult or Compliment?
I got into a Twitter war yesterday over this post from right wing policy pushers @IllinoisPolicy.
Why did I choose to go to war over that? First, I don’t like @IllinoisPolicy. They just make shit up, which appears to be the MAGA Republican strategy these days. Throw lies at the wall and see what sticks or resonates with their base. I don’t have a problem with most of those numbers shown in that graphic, although I rarely use a paid parking garage (nobody outside of Chicago does), and I know I have saved waaaaaay more with grocery taxes suspended. What I have a problem with is that apparently the numbers weren’t adding up for them, so they threw in that mysterious “Permanent increases over 4 years” expense to make it look bad. That’s just utter nonsense. What does that even mean? They may as well have listed “Parmaflankerstein tax” at $2720.99.
So, I sprung into action to defend Illinois and our beloved Governor JB Pritzker, who doesn’t need my love or defense since he’s a billionaire but has been a great governor despite rolling in dough. I engaged. I defended. I went down the rabbit-hole with the crazies. But I kept my cool and tried to use facts. What did I get? So much anger from them. Why are they always so mad? How can someone go through life like that? And I got what might be a compliment or an insult. I’m not sure.
One of the Pritzker-haters came at me with this …
Continue reading “Is a Milton Berle Reference an Insult or Compliment?”Hard-ly a Vegetable
Yep, I grew this carrot in our vegetable garden this summer.
No, it wasn’t hard. I didn’t have to stimulate its growth at all. It faced some stiff challenges in May & June with very poor weather, but I believe it was inured and hardened by the experience. You may think I’m making a big deal out of this and stroking my ego, but it’s not like I want to erect a monument to it. I’m just rigid in my belief that it is quite an accomplishment.
Alright, that’s all for now. I have to return to my grade school playground to make poopie jokes about the teacher.
Pitching Religion
My local baseball team, the Chicago White Sox, stink. I could accept that, except they were one of the favorites to win the World Series this season. Maybe as a last resort, the White Sox are hosting a Faith Night this Wednesday. The only thing that can save their season is if Jesus joined the team on Faith Night to lead the White Sox down the stretch to the World Series. And I’m not talking about center fielder Jesus Rodriguez getting promoted from the White Sox’s minor league team. I’m talking about the big JC. Except, there’s a problem.
While Jesus Christ may not make an error while playing the field, he’s a liability as a batter. He always wants to sacrifice himself. And if he does get on base, he’s never a threat to steal a base. I think the White Sox may be wiser to use him as a pitcher. Think of all the perfect games he could pitch.
Mite Be Funny #289
New Music for Old Rockers – End of Summer Six-pack
I haven’t done one of these posts in almost a year. Why? Well, these posts tend to be wildly unpopular, and not much new music has grabbed me by my ears and dry-humped my auditory cortex. I haven’t liked a lot of what I have heard until just recently. So, I have lumped some recent favorites all together in one post here for your listening enjoyment.
If you are indeed an old rocker with 1960’s musical memories, this first song may musically transport you back to that era. The following video was made with an intentionally nostalgic feel by a new UK band called The Heavy Heavy.
Continue reading “New Music for Old Rockers – End of Summer Six-pack”King for a Day or Sign of the Beast?
Famed Harvard attorney Laurence Tribe (@tribelaw) shared on Twitter this email he received from the Trump campaign.
Is a crown a part of the deal? I would so do this if I could get a crown. I would be unstoppable walking around like this …
Continue reading “King for a Day or Sign of the Beast?”Cellu-what’s-this?
I hate it when my wife is so dogmatic and then turns out to be so right. She didn’t take a very long look at my infected arm before rendering her diagnosis … cellulitis. And she highly suggested I listen to her and seek medical attention before I headed off on a trip to St. Louis. I always value her suggestions, especially when I feel threatened, so I trudged off to the clinic to receive a diagnosis of …
That’s right, my wife was 100% correct … again. But is cellulitis serious?
Uh-oh. Considering my case of cellulitis was spreading up my arm toward my armpit where I know my lymph nodes like to hang out (they’re kind of weird that way), I realized how in debt to my wife I was once again. A pic of my diseased arm follows for those with strong stomachs.
Continue reading “Cellu-what’s-this?”Mite Be Funny #288
Unbeatable?
In his race for a US Senate seat representing Georgia, it appears that CTE-addled ex-football star Herschel Walker has picked-up some powerful supporters.
You just can’t beat those Women for Herschel … but he has.
Can I Win an Oscar Posthumously?
After my stirring, unpaid, non-speaking (who needs words when one can emote like I do?) rendition of a Restaurant/Bar Patron in the highly-anticipated, expected-blockbuster of a short film titled 32 Degrees, of course the next logical step for me was to get a paid, speaking role in the full length feature film El Frio Silencio, right? By the way, that title is Spanish for The Frio Silencio. Something just wasn’t adding up, but there was the role of Social Studies teacher Mr. Warren being dangled in front of me.
I saw a social media post from the Director that the classroom had already been arranged.
That was indeed the classroom we used for filming with me at the front forgetting my lines. I think we shot this new film in the same school in which the Director’s 2017 film The Wild Cats was filmed when I’ll bet he was a student at that school at that time. Here’s the trailer for his 2017 film The Wild Cats.
Continue reading “Can I Win an Oscar Posthumously?”The English Channel is a Cold, Lonely Place
I’m getting close to finishing my swim across the English Channel this summer. More importantly, I’m confused as to how I should refer to the swim. It’s not a literal swim across the Channel, but it’s also not figurative. I am literally swimming 21 miles, just not actually in the Channel. Maybe a combination of literal & figurative? Liturative? Figeral? Regardless, you get the idea. I’m swimming a lot this summer. But maybe not enough. I’m still 5 miles away from France’s shores, and summer is quickly slipping away.
I am close enough to almost smell the French fries fying, see the French rolls rolling, and hear the French champagne corks popping. Just a couple weeks ago, I almost threw in the towel, although not lituratively or figerally. My pool succumbed to mustard algae again and turned this lovely color.
Continue reading “The English Channel is a Cold, Lonely Place”Line!
Today I’m off to a movie shoot for a paid speaking role in an independent film. It’s about time all my minutes of hard work pay off. More on the movie in another post. But I’ve somehow gone from a restaurant patron extra with my back to the camera who only pretends to speak to a speaking role with way more lines than I wanted or can remember.
As I practice my lines, I seem to only be able to remember dialogue from The Munsters old TV show and one other line. It’s from a Seinfeld episode when Kramer has a single line in a movie.
I just know I’m going to inadvertently say that line rather than what is in the script at some point today. And I have another funny joke to tell you, but … dammit … Line!
Mite Be Funny #287
Doggone Dog
I felt terrible this morning. Our dog ran through some wilder parts of our property and came out covered in burrs (good name for an album). Not just on his body, but all around his eyes, mouth, and ears. Ouch. It looked so painful. I cleaned him up pretty well, but I took more than 100 burrs off him.
I could almost hear him thinking, “How could you let this happen to me?” I assured him I would clear out the burrs. He got nothing but sympathy from me … until he tried to eat the pile of burrs.
Stupid dog.
Is Dave > God?
Recently, I told our pastor that she had restored my faith that Christianity can actually do good. She resigned. I don’t think the two events are related, but who knows?
I am so sick and tired of Republican Christian zealots who are trying to take over US government, local government, public schools, and just about everything else. Those Christian zombies want all of us to abdicate thought and blindly trust their twisted interpretation of God’s will so that everyone will sleepwalk their way through life.
I find that concept monstrous. Maybe not as monstrous as this though.
Rather than just throwing the whole bowl of conservative Christian spaghetti at the cultural wall in the US and seeing what sticks, I’d rather we focus more on Christian behavior to help our fellow men and women in need, regardless of their faith or lack thereof.
Can I get behind this?
Yeah, sure, but how do you explain this?
Continue reading “Is Dave > God?”Clubbing
Monday mornings can be hard, especially if one is facing a work week ahead. I enjoyed golfing before work for two Mondays in a row. It got those weeks off to a fun start. Not so much this week. Bad weather scuttled any thought of golfing this past Monday. I have to say that I missed the feel of a club in my hands on Monday morning. But I can’t control the weather. I went to the store to find a club to help start every Monday in a fun way, regardless of weather. I think I found one. Take a look.
Continue reading “Clubbing”I wonder if the FBI found any of Hillary’s emails or Hunter Biden’s laptop when they raided Trump’s house last night.
That’s a Wrap!
Filming finished last week on the set of 32 Degrees, the comedy short film that used me as an extra. I didn’t get much screen time the first day, so when I reported to the director for the second day of filming, I requested he highlight my best side. He agreed and promptly positioned me with my back to the camera. But, I did get to turn around to react appropriately when something happened in the film.
And I got to turn to the side (my one semi-good side!) to pretend to speak to someone else at the table who was off screen. We pretend-spoke about alien abductions in case you are interested.
Once the extras were done filming, we were dismissed way too early for me to stuff my pockets with snacks. I did snap this selfie for my memory scrapbook.
Continue reading “That’s a Wrap!”
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 