Thank God they arrested someone in connection with the recent attempted pipe bombings. I hear he was a white male in his 50’s.
Here is a picture of the man’s van that has also been taken away.
Sticker Shock
Tag: funny
Emasculation Anticipation
My brother-in-law came over to my house this last weekend to emasculate me. No, not purposely, and not literally, but definitely figuratively. He’s a great guy that actually donated a kidney to another one of my brother-in-laws. We definitely wanted him to come over. He is a retired carpenter that we have hired to do many manly carpentry-based jobs over the years. Now, we wanted him to install a floor in our family room. That’s where my emasculation comes in.
It’s not like I couldn’t install the floor in our family room. I just didn’t want to. I installed our basement floor by myself. It worked out okay, although I do encourage people to avoid walking on the floor. I prepped our family room floor by removing carpet, padding, trim, staples, and old leveling compound from the floor. I added new leveler and sanded as needed. I did a lot of demo and prep work, but that is nothing compared to laying floor planks down. That’s real man’s work, and I would not be doing it. Let my emasculation begin!
Even worse, I would have to hang around the house to ‘assist’ my brother-in-law in various ways. I imagined some of them to include:
- Get him beverages.
- Get him snacks.
- Bring him tools.
- Be embarrassed when he asks to borrow a tool from me that I should have because I’m a guy, but don’t.
- Say how nice his handiwork looks.
But no, no, no. That didn’t happen, thanks to this beauty …
Flies On Washington Walls #128
Explosive Story
Breaking News …
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World has exclusively obtained a picture of the potentially explosive package sent to the Clintons, but intercepted by authorities …
Bust the Trust
Last night at a rally in Houston, Lyin’ Ted Cruz bowed and paid fealty to Donald Trump.
At the moment he bowed before his new dark overlord, Lyin’ Ted became Winning Ted in Trump’s view. At that moment, in the eyes of Trump, Cruz’s father was exonerated for being part of the plot to kill JFK. At that moment, Trump decided to no longer call Heidi Cruz ugly in public, although he reserved the right to still think she is.
The Trumps were in Houston to “help” Cruz in his Senate race against Democrat Beto O’Rourke, who could be the most exciting Senate candidate to ultimately lose. Let’s hope Democrats find something for him to do for a couple years until the next election.
Meanwhile, Cruz is running a campaign with this motto …
Mite Be Funny #89
Tall Tales of Fact & Fantasy
I was really pleased with the name and logo I chose for my winless fantasy football team in my family’s league last week … Supreme Injustices.
For this week, I wanted to feature Paul Manafort, especially after hearing that he made a court appearance sitting in a wheelchair in prison clothes while missing a shoe. When I think of Manafort in a wheelchair, I start wishing for this …
No Smell Hotel
I’m on the road again for business this week, but decided to stop and see my middle daughter at college along the way. It was a good place to stay for the night as it is about halfway to my business destination, and I found a hotel in town that would cost me all of $45, including tax. More importantly, this hotel did not have a number as part of its name. But how could it be a numberless hotel and be so cheap? I pulled into the parking lot with a bit of trepidation, but it was only one night. I was ready for the worst.
I entered the lobby and sniffed. No smell like I would expect from a $45 hotel. It looked neat and clean. I asked the desk clerk why it was so cheap, er economically-priced I quickly corrected before he could assign me to the murder room with a chalk outline on the floor. He had no idea. “Corporate,” he explained without actually explaining anything.
I continued to sniff like Donald Trump at a press conference as I headed down the hallway to my room. Nothing. I opened the room. Sniff, sniff. Nothing. It was a nice, clean, odor-free room. I was tired and fell asleep faster than if I had been at an actuarial seminar.
I had a good night’s sleep and woke up feeling good. I opened the drapes to see how the morning looked. It looked something like this …
WWOWW
I am not a title stutterer. That WWOWW stands for the Wonderful Women Of Wildrose & Wildwood, a couple of the neighborhoods in the 8th Precinct of St Charles Township. Those women hijacked my 8th Precinct last weekend. I was a willing hijackee, or would that be a hijackass in my case?
As the elected Democratic Precinct Committeeperson in the 8th Precinct of St Charles Township, my sole job is to get Democrats in the precinct to vote. It means a lot of walking, knocking on doors, talking to people, begging people, bribing people, threatening people, distributing candidate & voting literature, and trying not to get bit by dogs or Republicans or snakes, as if you could tell the difference between the last two mentioned.
Flies On Washington Walls #127
A Picture is Worth 120 Indictments
As seen on 60 Minutes, now hanging in the White House is this …
I guess they were out of the picture of dogs playing poker.
I really do think it is magnanimous of Donald Trump to display a painting of Alec Baldwin’s characterization of Trump. I mean, that can’t possibly be Trump, unless he has hidden about 60 pounds of flab behind him. Maybe that’s what his right arm is holding. If that is the case, poor Gerald Ford.
That picture represents 120 indictments and 89 prison sentences. I don’t expect that number to grow. Oh, you seem surprised. I mean, I don’t think Alec Baldwin or his people are going to get into enough trouble to generate indictments.
Mite Be Funny #88 – Special Kanye Gif Edition
Justice is a Fantasy
I had planned on renaming my family league’s 0-5 winless fantasy football team this week from the Baby Blimps …
to the Losingest Losers of Loserville. I swear I have played fantasy football before, and even won the league last season. Whatever could be distracting me?
For the Losingest Losers of Loserville, I could have used this team logo …
I’m Smarter Than Brett Kavanaugh
I really do think I am smarter than Brett Kavanaugh. Sure, he went to Yale. I went to Elmhurst College, known ’round these parts as the Harvard of the Midwest. Harvard > Yale. That’s just a known made-up fact. Brett should understand all about known made-up facts.
There was a time when I qualified to join MENSA, the organization for geniuses, due to my ACT score. But I don’t want to use that rationale anymore since my two oldest children scored better than me, and I don’t want them to get swelled heads.
And speaking of swelled heads, mine is very large. How can I tell? Hats. They rarely fit me unless I shop at a haberdashery catering to the hydrocephalic. This oversized noggin of mine must be filled with brains or brain-like substances, right?
But the real proof that I am smarter than Brett Kavanaugh is right here …
Haley’s Vomit
Dangerous Politics
I encountered this dangerous-looking character while canvassing my neighborhood today on behalf of Democratic candidates.
Well, Now What?
Now that Bart O’Kavanaugh has been confirmed to the US Supreme Court, I think we have learned a few things.
First, Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski deserves some respect. She listened to her constituents, and voted in a way to represent their wishes. I hear that useless bag of creepy skin filled with idiocy and oozing out word jumbles known as Sarah Palin is threatening to primary Murkowski in 2020. Newsflash! Murkowski was already primaried in the last Senate election in 2010 by her beloved Republican party, and she still won the general election as a freakin’ write-in candidate. Do you know how hard it is to spell Murkowski?
Q: What Democrat looks like a Republican, talks like a Republican, and votes like a Republican?
RESIST! by Phone
I received this Emergency Presidential Alert on my phone the other day. As if I needed an alert to know we have an emergency in the country surrounding the presidency.
I have resisted confirming it. I’m hoping that somewhere in the Trump administration, there is someone confused and concerned as to why I am not confirming receipt. RESIST!
Mite Be Funny #87
After a heated argument, possibly about politics or possibly about dead skin flakes …
Fantasy Meets Reality
I decided to keep the Baby Blimps for one more week as the name and logo for my winless fantasy football team in my family’s league.
Why? That’s an easy answer. I finally got to meet my team logo.
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 