Cereal Killer Diet

Some of you may be wondering why I have not recently chronicled my battle with weight. Well, there has been a sort of detente between me and my fat for one year now. Sure, there have been minor ups and downs, but for the most part, I have maintained my weight for exactly one year.

Although this stable weight was not my ultimate goal weight, it is 15 pounds down from my portly apex and a weight I’m semi-comfortable at. I still jiggle but don’t draw as much attention as I used to.

I’ve been somewhat resigned to being 5 pounds away from my goal weight which would still put me at about 10 pounds overweight. But then, I discovered what I am calling the Cereal Killer Diet. It seems like only yesterday that I stumbled upon it, when in fact, it was two days ago. Let me take you back in time to those events of that fateful day.

I weighed myself that morning, more out of habit than hope. Still 15 pounds down. I had a bowl of cereal in the morning and something non-cerealish for lunch. But dinner would be a surprise. I was headed to a product taste test at dinnertime. The plan was for a product testing lab to feed me and then pay me $50 for my opinions. But what was I surprised with for dinner? Cereal again. Who thinks cereal is a meal fit for dinner?

Right, but who outside of Jerry Seinfeld? I’m not at liberty to disclose the brand or type of cereal I was fed, but I can tell you it was Special, oK? In fact, the first of six samples they fed me was excellent. I ate more than they suggested because of the surprisingly good taste of that first sample.

Yep, big mistake. They tell you how much to eat based on experience. By the time the sixth sample came, I was bloated full of rice flakes and milk. One of my co-testers finished before me, rolled back in her chair, let out a big belch, and waddled out.

It wasn’t quite 10 pounds, but despite my bloatage that day before, by the next morning I was down 2 pounds. I think the key is that despite ingesting a massive amount of food, it was mostly just toasted, puffed, lightly-sweetened rice flakes. There was just no room left for me to eat calorie-laden ice cream or sweets when I got home that night. I just wanted to beach my whaleish carcass in bed and go to sleep.

I don’t think I could be a Cereal Killer for an extended period of time, but maybe one day a week I might choose semi-healthy cereal for two of my meals. I’ll let you know if it gets me back on track as a loser. I mean, of weight!