Month: March 2022

Academy Award Thoughts

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

It was so weird watching the Academy Awards, knowing that I will probably be walking the red carpet there next year. Yep, I got the script for the movie that I will be in, and I see an Oscar in my future. Here’s the part of the script that pertains to me.

“They endure whispers and stares from the sparse all white, post lunch crowd.“

Hey, that’s me, one of the sparse, all white, restaurant patrons. I fully expect a nomination for Best Extra in a Non-Speaking Background Role in a Short-Subject Film. I’m trying to pattern my whispering after Norm Macdonald.

Now that’s top notch whispering. And as far as staring …

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Where’ve I Been?

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 3 Comments

Like you really care. I’ve been silent for most of this week, and I haven’t even received one “Please Post Soon” card. All I’ve gotten is an overdue gas bill warning me that I’ll be without gas if I don’t pay. As if I would ever be gasless. I wish! So does this Brazilian model.

Although I warned you that there may be changes coming to this blog, at least fart content remains. Full fart story here. Most changes I had planned were pertaining specifically to how this blog looks, content, ads, etc. That hasn’t really worked out as planned. It seems that unless I give WordPress a lot of money each year to “upgrade” this blog, then some desired features are unavailable to me. More money poured into this blog? That’s like investing in WorldCom and ain’t happening.

But there are a couple really good things happening.

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Another Edition of … Am I a Bad Guy?

~ Jim Flanigan

People must think I am a considerate driver. When I come to an intersection with other cars, I often wave the other cars to go ahead of me, even if it should rightly be my turn. But I don’t do it to be a considerate driver. I do it because it gives me an incredible feeling of complete and ultimate control over the other cars and their drivers, like I’m dictating their actions and bending them to my will with a casual wave of my hand. I determine when they come and when they go. They have absolutely no control. It kind of makes me feel all powerful, and dare I say godlike or at least giant handlike like this …

Am I a bad guy?

Goodbye Emmy, Hello Oscar

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

I’m not sure why my last post was sadder. Was it because I did not get an extra role in the Netflix series filming in my town this past week, or was it because I have a pathetic desire to get on television? Maybe both?

Well, I turned the page and snagged a movie role instead. Could there be an Oscar in my future? Definitely! I think Oscar is the name of the cameraman who will be filming the movie.

So, which movie? Here’s a synopsis.

And did I snag the lead role of old racist George?

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My Emmy Dreams are Fading Fast

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 2 Comments

I had plans to revive my television career and win an Emmy in 2022, but those plans took a hit this past weekend. Oh, did I bury the lead that I previously had a career in television? I had a supporting role on the game show Shop ’til You Drop. I was on a business trip to California many years ago, went to watch a Shop ’til You Drop taping in Hollywood, and was plucked out from among the rabble in the studio audience to play a supporting role on that episode. I got to wear a colorful clown wig saturated with shampoo that contestants smelled in an effort to guess the brand of shampoo. I wore the wig well, bringing a never before seen regal dignity to the role and fully expected an Emmy nomination for my performance. Sadly, it never came. Probably due to the Irish prejudice rife in Hollywood in those days as evidenced by this Itchy & Scratchy cartoon from that era.

After hanging around the studio’s back alley entrance for a few weeks unsuccessfully waiting to be discovered after my breakout role, I grudgingly left Sin City to return to my career as the Sales & Marketing Manager for a Midwestern temperature sensor manufacturer. Yawn. It was difficult after having tasted the forbidden fruit growing on the seamy underbelly of Hollywood. Oh, wait, scratch that. I forgot, my wife sometimes reads this mess.

Anyhoo, I fully expected that my television career was about to be resurrected this past weekend after seeing this in the local paper.

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Vacation Planning Time

~ Jim Flanigan

If COVID is indeed on the wane, then now is the time to plan a summer vacation. I’m doing so by eliminating parts of the country where I definitely won’t vacation. It’s pretty automatic to eliminate the whole West Coast due to annual summer wildfires, sometimes referred to as liberal barbeques by Republicans. But this year, I’m also eliminating the whole East Coast. Why?

That’s enough to keep me away from Rhode Island, but the actual details are much worse than I ever expected.

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Wordle Wisdom

~ Jim Flanigan

Always remember, success at Wordle primarily involves luck and happenstance, except for the times you solve like this …

Then, Wordle is 100% dependent upon skill, intelligence, charm, savoir faire, and dashing good looks.

I Can Finally Speak Truth

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 3 Comments

When I last checked, there were 461,595 people ahead of me in line to get truthing on Trump’s new Truth Social platform.

No matter how many times I clicked on that spinning refresh icon next to that large number, the app still showed me at 461,596th. And then all of a sudden, I got an email telling me I’m in! Allow me to clarify … I received 24 emails telling me I was in. As the email clearly stated, “we are still fixing many bugs in our technology.” Well, I guess that’s some truth.

The app directed me to set-up a profile. I needed a Truth Social name, profile pic, and background pic.

I waited to be immediately blocked, but I was surprised to see this.

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My March to Weight Loss

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

I need to focus on March for weight loss, because February was a disaster. I gained a pound. On second thought, considering world events, the added pound in February probably doesn’t really qualify as a disaster.

It wasn’t for lack of effort that I gained weight. My steps/cycles remained consistent.

Negating those consistent steps was my love for chocolate and Valentine’s Day intersecting. It would help if my wife bought me chocolate from the dollar store rather than from the fancy-schmancy chocolatier in town. Maybe she loves me so much that she wants there to be more of me to love. Well, in February, she got her wish.

But Valentine’s Day was just one day. That can’t be the whole reason for my weight gain. I think I know what the real reason is though.

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Another Edition of … Am I a Bad Guy?

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

COVID is over, at least if you shop by us. Now that the indoor mask mandate has been rescinded in Illinois, us masked folks are in the minority now walking around inside stores. I’m conflicted. I know wearing masks is uncomfortable for people, but since we’ve been masking these past 2 years, I have been extremely healthy. Even though I am a well-conditioned (Editor’s Note: False) athlete (Editor’s Note: False) who competes (Editor’s Note: Rarely) at a highly competitive level (Editor’s Note: Very False), I have historically suffered from respiratory illnesses almost like clockwork every winter. Well, not the last two masked winters. I guess I can keep on masking, but there’s also one other issue.

There is a large store by us where I can get a little shopping done while also doing my business banking. And it is so large that I can get a nice long walk in if I walk the inside perimeter of the store a couple times which I do in the cold weather for a change of pace. With everyone masked in the store, I never worried about letting loose with a bit of gas from time to time as the need arose while walking. The ambient noise level in those stores is generally high enough that any toot less than a real cheek flapper is normally not noticeable. And with everyone masked, nobody could smell any of my rippers. It was perfect, but now that masks are gone, people’s olfactory systems are on high alert again.

So, I want the mask mandate reinstated, basically so I don’t get sick and can walk around stores healthy and farting. Am I a bad guy?

A Syrupy Post

~ Jim Flanigan

I’m following up my last Cheesy Post with a syrupy post. I had no idea it was a very special time of the year until I saw this on my walk through my neighborhood today.

Are you thinking it is the season when trees pee blue into buckets placed next to them? No, but close. This pic should make it clearer.

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A Cheesy Post

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

As I did a recent Twitter scroll to get caught up on world news, I stumbled across this pic with excellent advice on enchanting women. Single guys in particular, take note.

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Owl Issues

~ Jim Flanigan

I’m pretty upset about the war on Ukraine, and then I get this email.

I use Gift Tree to send business Christmas gifts to valued customers, so very few. I guess they now want me to send overpriced gift baskets to people for their birthdays. That is not going to happen. But I opened their email because I want to know why owls give birthday gifts as teased in the subject line. However, nowhere in their email do they explain why owls are birthday gifters. This is driving me crazy/crazier. Why DO owls give birthday gifts? Because they give a hoot? That’s weak but all I could come up with. I googled that riddle and came up empty. Can someone help me? In the meantime, here’s some Owl City to inspire you to come up with an answer.

Correction!

~ Jim Flanigan

I posted my last post when I was sleepy and upset about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, and I made a grievous error. Rather than 2016, I typed 2020 in this section …

“Ukrainians elected a comedian as president. How could they be taken seriously? Yes, a similar argument can be made about the USA in 2016, but that’s a blog post for another day that has already been written by many and read by millions.”

Yeah, 2020 in there sure changes the meaning and might piss off a lot of friends. I have a good mind to hire an editor and fire them immediately over such a mistake. So, sorry if that error got your undies in a bundle. It was unintentional. Thankfully, readership of this blog is low!