It was so weird watching the Academy Awards, knowing that I will probably be walking the red carpet there next year. Yep, I got the script for the movie that I will be in, and I see an Oscar in my future. Here’s the part of the script that pertains to me.
“They endure whispers and stares from the sparse all white, post lunch crowd.“
Hey, that’s me, one of the sparse, all white, restaurant patrons. I fully expect a nomination for Best Extra in a Non-Speaking Background Role in a Short-Subject Film. I’m trying to pattern my whispering after Norm Macdonald.
Now that’s top notch whispering. And as far as staring …
I think I want to look concerned with just a touch of menace.
But as a restaurant patron, will I have to chew while staring?
I’ll be workshopping this at family dinners up until filming in April.
Now when I’m in the audience next year, I want to sit next to Will Smith just in case Chris Rock makes fun of my hair loss. Look, there’s a couple things friends are not supposed to do. First, women friends are not supposed to make fun of each other’s weight. As for guys, we are not supposed to make fun of each other’s hairline. I had a guy I know from our old church make a joke about my hairline when I ran into him recently at a school function. That crossed the line and convinced me that we were right to leave that church. Too Trumpy and homophobic, anyway.
And what we saw at the Academy Awards is what happens when a guy jokes about another friend’s wife’s hairline.
I think both the joke and the reaction were inappropriate. I know they had to be friends. Rock once appeared in drag on Fresh Prince.
You have to be a friend to do that. So, I’ll sit next to Will Smith and give him a nudge if Chris Rock takes comedic license with my hairline. But no violence, please. I’d be happy with this.
But don’t you say “no” to my award-winning book of short stories. Just buy it. Or else, I’m sending Will after you. And if he won’t stand up for me, maybe I’ll just have to start a-slappin’.
I didn’t say it would be pretty.
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 
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