Yesterday Was a Weird Day

I started yesterday with a Wordle that I swore I had solved in 2 … then 3 … then 4 … then 5 … then 6 … then nope.

Was I becoming cognitively impaired, or was it just bad luck guessing? Any regular reader of this blog will choose the former. I even harbored thoughts of it as I got word that yet another of my cousins who is my age now is showing signs of dementia. But I chalked it up to bad luck guessing and got ready to continue my career in the cinema.

No, I wasn’t hired as an usher at the local Megaplex. I had a paying gig as a film extra playing a funeralgoer at Graceland Cemetery. Not Elvis’s final resting place in Graceland in Tennessee as I had originally thought, but Graceland Cemetery in Chicago.

Traffic was light and I made it to the Chicago cemetery faster than Google said I would. I parked and had a distance to walk to the chapel where the filming would take place. That’s when I hitchhiked for the first time in my life.

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Hollywood Comes Calling

After launching my movie career as a hilarious comedy extra in a short film, and following that with a dramatic speaking role in a feature film, Hollywood can’t get enough of me. I recently was invited to read for a lead role in a film using a British accent. I can do a couple phrases in a Cockney accent, but a proper British accent eludes me. Oddly enough, I write in British English. As a couple examples, I always want to add a “u” to words like color, and I tend towards using towards rather than toward. See what I mean? My editor/cousin/godmother pointed those and others out to me as she edits my short stories. Could I be the reincarnation of Charles Dickens?

And I really have not had the time (or British accent) lately to pursue show biz. I’ve been much too busy at work and with the upcoming election. But Hollywood refuses to be denied my talents and continues recruiting me. I received this invitation today.

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Can I Win an Oscar Posthumously?

After my stirring, unpaid, non-speaking (who needs words when one can emote like I do?) rendition of a Restaurant/Bar Patron in the highly-anticipated, expected-blockbuster of a short film titled 32 Degrees, of course the next logical step for me was to get a paid, speaking role in the full length feature film El Frio Silencio, right? By the way, that title is Spanish for The Frio Silencio. Something just wasn’t adding up, but there was the role of Social Studies teacher Mr. Warren being dangled in front of me.

I saw a social media post from the Director that the classroom had already been arranged.

That was indeed the classroom we used for filming with me at the front forgetting my lines. I think we shot this new film in the same school in which the Director’s 2017 film The Wild Cats was filmed when I’ll bet he was a student at that school at that time. Here’s the trailer for his 2017 film The Wild Cats.

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That’s a Wrap!

Filming finished last week on the set of 32 Degrees, the comedy short film that used me as an extra. I didn’t get much screen time the first day, so when I reported to the director for the second day of filming, I requested he highlight my best side. He agreed and promptly positioned me with my back to the camera. But, I did get to turn around to react appropriately when something happened in the film.

And I got to turn to the side (my one semi-good side!) to pretend to speak to someone else at the table who was off screen. We pretend-spoke about alien abductions in case you are interested.

Once the extras were done filming, we were dismissed way too early for me to stuff my pockets with snacks. I did snap this selfie for my memory scrapbook.

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Lights … Camera … Inaction!

After several attempts, I finally made it onto a movie set last night … and I didn’t sneak in. I was there to be filmed and likely turned into a matinee idol and overnight sensation. No, it isn’t a major motion picture. It’s a short comedy film that will undoubtedly net me an Academy Award nomination for Best Background Extra Who Can Barely Be Seen.

Upon arriving on time to the movie set in a Chicago restaurant, I sat for an hour. It turns out that there’s lots of sitting around on movie sets waiting for something, anything to happen. Fortunately, there were plenty of snacks for us extras to gorge on. Sure, we are unpaid extras, but do you have any idea how many bags of fruit snacks I can cram into my pants pockets?

The set looked something like this.

In fact, it looked exactly like that … except when there was a giant 8 foot tall polar bear in the shot. Then it looked more like this.

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Roll the Film and Tumble Dry

My 14 year old daughter and I took another road trip before she has to head back to school. The place we are staying offers a lot of amenities. I was intrigued when I saw this sign.

I was confused when I saw the movie scheduled for tonight is Avatar. What does that movie have to do with laundry? I was expecting maybe a movie about money laundering (Trump bio pic?) or perhaps even Car Wash.

I understand that the logical choice is this movie.

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Take the Journey

Not Journey the band. I wish! I really like “Wheel in the Sky” from the boys at Journey including lead vocalist Steve Perry. But wait, if Steve Perry was their lead vocalist, who’s this guy?

Oh, right. He’s the Journey vocalist after Steve Perry left when their albums sucked. That makes sense that he’s playing a free concert locally. Hard pass from me.

But that’s not the journey I’m writing about. I want to get a little contemplative and explore why I am writing this blog and why you may be reading it.

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My Dermatologist Doesn’t Want Me to be a Star

Who does? I’ve encountered all sorts of obstacles on my way to Hollywood. My first movie role as Racist Restaurant Patron was eliminated when my scene was cut after the restaurant backed out of allowing filming in their place. I secured my next role as Office Worker, but family obligations conspired to keep me from attending the filming. We celebrated our youngest daughter’s church confirmation on the morning of filming and attended an Eagle Scout ceremony during the afternoon of filming. By the way, the Scoutmaster really missed a great opportunity at the end of the Eagle Scout ceremony. How about finishing up the ceremony by rocking out to Robin Trower’s “Day of the Eagle?”

I did audition for a speaking part as Family Member #2 in a film but was not selected for the role. I guess that’s more on me than anyone else’s fault because of my complete lack of acting talent or training. I have an audition this weekend for a speaking role in an indie feature film about punk music called Screw City. I’m hoping my affinity for punk music will be evident and make them overlook my dearth of acting talent and training I mentioned before.

So, you may be wondering what my dermatologist has to do with all this. Well, I went under her knife this week for a skin cancer removal through Moh’s surgery, which I understood to be a gentle scraping of layers off my skin until all the cancer can be confirmed removed. Instead, it looks more like I had Moe’s surgery.

I’ll caution those more sensitive readers (what are you doing at this blog anyway?) to not click to continue reading. This is the result of my surgery.

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No Red Carpet for Me

Is the red carpet at the Academy Awards huge like that kid says? Don’t ask me. It looks like I’ll never know. I should’ve known better than to buy a plane ticket to the 2023 Academy Awards so far in advance. You remember the Oscar I was almost assured of winning? Well, now that’s slipped out of my grasp.

I was cut from the movie. I didn’t even make it onto the cutting room floor. My scene was cut before filming even began. I was given some lame excuse about the restaurant my scene was to be filmed in was no longer available. I suspect it was the dastardly work of one of them jealous Hollyweird types like Matt Damon. He’s very paranoid about anyone else succeeding.

See what I mean? I wasted a whole week experimenting with make-up and mugging into the mirror to practice stealing the scene.

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Academy Award Thoughts

It was so weird watching the Academy Awards, knowing that I will probably be walking the red carpet there next year. Yep, I got the script for the movie that I will be in, and I see an Oscar in my future. Here’s the part of the script that pertains to me.

“They endure whispers and stares from the sparse all white, post lunch crowd.

Hey, that’s me, one of the sparse, all white, restaurant patrons. I fully expect a nomination for Best Extra in a Non-Speaking Background Role in a Short-Subject Film. I’m trying to pattern my whispering after Norm Macdonald.

Now that’s top notch whispering. And as far as staring …

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Goodbye Emmy, Hello Oscar

I’m not sure why my last post was sadder. Was it because I did not get an extra role in the Netflix series filming in my town this past week, or was it because I have a pathetic desire to get on television? Maybe both?

Well, I turned the page and snagged a movie role instead. Could there be an Oscar in my future? Definitely! I think Oscar is the name of the cameraman who will be filming the movie.

So, which movie? Here’s a synopsis.

And did I snag the lead role of old racist George?

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Don’t Look Up & Definitely Don’t Exercise

I watched that new movie Don’t Look Up. I didn’t think it was the greatest film ever made, but liked parts of it. Well, so much for the movie review portion of this blog post. One part I found totally unbelievable was when they showed people exercising while watching the news of a giant comet coming to destroy the planet.

If I knew a planet-killing comet was on the way, I would immediately cease all forms of exercise and healthy eating. I would eat myself into a chocolate coma (good name for a band) and await the inevitable destruction. Of course, that would be after I took care of my family by telling them to take shelter in the basement and to keep their grubby mitts off my chocolate.

Finger Lickin’ Good Entertainment

It’s not often I get excited for a movie coming out. I was “very excite” for the Borat sequel.

We were rewarded with a better movie than the original Borat flick, in my opinion.

Now, in just a matter of days, here comes A Recipe for Seduction starring Mario Lopez of Saved by the Bell fame as … Colonel Sanders. Don’t be chicken. Take a look at this trailer and set your DVR to record.

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RIP Max von Sydow

Max von Sydow died yesterday. RIP to a great actor. I know I should have immediately thought of one of his roles in an Ingmar Bergman film or at least “The Exorcist.” Instead, my mind immediately flashed on his role as Brewmeister Smith in “Strange Brew.” I found that role odd for such a great actor, but I think me remembering it first says more about me than him acting in such a bad movie.

Or is it a bad movie?

Yeah, it is. Yet another guilty pleasure of mine.

My Brain May Be Melting

We don’t subscribe to movie channels with our cable subscription. Every once in a while when the stars align properly, we get free HBO for a few days. I record a bunch of movies, and we watch some of them until the next time we get free HBO. It’s a perfect system, except so many of the movies suck. I use the Rotten Tomatoes website to sort the viewable from the unwatchable.

I recorded Rock the Kasbah from 2015 starring Bill Murray because, well, I love Bill Murray and most everything he has ever done. I didn’t see the movie when it was released, because I heard it was terrible. And this did not look at all promising per Rotten Tomatoes …

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Very Short Stories

I just finished the basics for what I consider my first proper short story. Sure, I’ve written a lot before including over 1000 posts here, but this is a real short story with words and not gifs, punctuation with proper use of apostrophes & parentheses, gerunds & infinitives, fictional characters that are not Donald Trump (we would be so lucky if Trump was a fictional character), a plot and not my usual rambling screed (which is where I sense this blog post is headed), and some meaning and message rather than the usual head-scratching jokey post.

So now what? I could publish it here and watch as one of my blog readers takes it and sells it to Hollywood as a major motion picture screenplay starring Chris Pratt and Scarlett Johannson. You greedy bastards. You would cut me out, wouldn’t you? Just for that, I have decided to do this instead …

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