After making my screen debut in 2022 and positively sizzling on the silver screen in such movie roles as bar patron, funeral mourner, and HS social studies teacher, there is no doubt that Hollywood has taken notice of my considerable acting skills and ability to eat an excessive share of the free refreshments set out for the actors and extras. It’s true that I have not yet received a nomination for an Oscar, Golden Globe, or even a People’s Choice Award, as if I would even accept a nomination for that last one. However, I know Hollywood has their eyes on me. How do I know? I received this invitation the other day.
I know you’re thinking, “Who the hell is Ziyi Yuan?” I asked myself the same question, so I Googled that name. Well, apparently that Chinese name is quite common, like John Smith or Tom Jones, which is not unusual. It then became obvious to me what’s going on. It’s a pseudonym for a famous director like a Spielberg or Scorcese. They want me to choose the film project for its merits and not for an opportunity to act for a famous director.
I’m busy all day with a scheduled ear hair waxing on one of the days of filming, so I had to send my regrets to Stevie or Marty or whoever is behind the Ziyi Yuan nom de plume. But something still bothered me that I couldn’t let slide by without comment. Why Old Sam? Even though I’m old, I still think I could woo female lead Sara as well or better than Young Sam. So, along with my declination, I sent my idea for Young Sam and Old Sam to have a martial arts battle at the peak of Samsara Mountain in the final scene to win Sara’s heart. Of course, Old Sam wins as he delivers a roundhouse kick squarely to Young Sam’s noggin that sends YS plummeting to his death. And with that, a sequel is perfectly set-up to follow Sara and Old Sam’s uncomfortably creepy May-December relationship. Oops, I probably should have given you a spoiler alert before revealing all those details. Watch for Samsara Mountain, coming soon to a student film exhibition, but don’t watch for me in it. I’ll be busy writing the sequel.