Is My Dog Suicidal or Murderous?

He’s always looked somewhat depressed, even as a puppy.

But now, he’s acting out. The other night, in a effort to stem the tide of my winter weight gain, I went to bed without eating even one of the delicious chocolate brownies that my wife had made.

Don’t they look good? My wife made the brownies so that our daughter could take some to share with friends as she returned to school after recovering from COVID. They were individually bagged on the counter for my daughter to stuff in her backpack and share/eat at school. Our puppy, who is now a very long dog, got up on his hind legs for some counter-surfing, and ate one, bag and all.

This all happened whilst I was snuggled in bed getting my beauty sleep.

Editor’s Note: He needs a lot.

Anyway, my wife burst open the bedroom door and asked where I stashed my hydrogen peroxide. She had been on the phone with the veterinarian. It wasn’t the chocolate in a single brownie that was a concern. It was the plastic bag that could cause an obstruction and kill him or me after I see the bill for a very expensive abdominal surgery. The hydrogen peroxide would make the dog vomit up the bagged brownie. The problem is that I use a 30% dilution of hydrogen peroxide to burn off the seborrheic keratoses that occasionally decide to grow on me. My wife needed a 3% solution to induce vomiting. The 30% solution could have been deadly. Basically, I saved our dog’s life without getting out of bed by not giving my wife the 30% H2O2 bottle. Sure, you can call me a hero if you want.

As an aside, the MAGA anti-vax crowd is now using hydrogen peroxide in a nebulizer to “cure” COVID.

Since they are also drinking their own urine, I’m surprised they aren’t doing a 50/50 mix of urine and hydrogen peroxide. What would that be – hydrogen uroxide? Don’t do any of that. You will damage your lungs. Get vaxxed, boosted, and wear a mask.

Anyway, while I was still comfy in bed, my saintly wife went out at 11:45PM to buy hydrogen peroxide. Stores around here used to be open 24/7 pre-COVID, but they now close at midnight, so my wife was hustling. She had to try 2 stores before finding and purchasing the 3% solution at 2 minutes before closing.

It worked. The dog successfully threw up the bagged brownie intact. It was a bit melted from being inside his body for 45 minutes, but otherwise it was still in the sealed bag. I wasn’t down there to do this, but couldn’t my wife have rinsed off the bag and popped it in the fridge so the brownie could solidify and be eaten? My wife threw it out. Seems like a waste of food to me. Of course, I occasionally garbage surf for food.

Okay, so that was one thwarted attempt at canine suicide. Just last night, the pup tried a different way. There was pizza cooling on top of the stove, and he got up on his hind legs, turned on a burner, and caught his fur on fire. It smelled like burnt dog (good name for a band) the rest of the evening. He’s fine.

Or, perhaps he was trying to turn on just the gas and not the burner in an effort to do us all in. He does appear to be a bit satanic with his red third eyelids (bad name for a band).

My wife tells me that’s normal. That does not look normal to me. Perhaps she’s in on his murderous plans. I think maybe I should stay snuggled in bed upstairs ready to dial 9-1-1 while they hatch their nefarious plans (good name for a band) downstairs.


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