Aw Shoot, Back to School

Is anyone really happen about going back to school? Teachers gripe about the students. Students gripe about basically everything, but especially school and teachers. But the investigative team at Jim Flanigan Looks at the World found one group that is thrilled with school back in session. The one group eager for school to resume is potential school shooters.

We gathered a group of people who self-identify as potential shooters to try and understand why school resuming makes them happy.

gun people

Their faces have been hidden, but don’t worry, you will likely see them on the news soon. We asked them all to express their feelings about children being back in school.

Dale, 45, self-described lone wolf – “The summer can be a lonely time for a lone wolf with no kids at school to watch from a distance. Sure, I tried to hang around parks and public pools, but it’s just not the same. I like the routine and order of the school day. Now that kids are going to classes again, and I’m casing out the school, I get to be around people again. That makes me happy, but not happy enough to stop planning my mass shooting.”

Jerry, 55, lifetime NRA member & 2016 Trump delegate – “Kids annoy me. Guns are made to be shot. Connect the dots.”

Brad, 38, lover of children – “I really love being around kids, admittedly a bit too much according to state statutes, but I don’t get much of a chance to enjoy spending time with them due to the plea agreement I reached with law enforcement. Now that I can see them again on the playground through the scope of my high-powered rifle, that makes me happy.”

Tina, 18, high school dropout – “School sucks. I’ll be happy to help more kids permanently drop out, especially that bitch Stacey who stole Jeremy from me, that slut.”

Lloyd, 62, Pizzagate proponent – “I don’t talk to the scummy Fake News media. But I do think you should definitely interview the kids and teachers at Union School at 1PM next Thursday. Maybe I’ll see you again soon.”

When asked if they planned to carry out their mass shooting plans, we thankfully got a mixed bag of answers. Although some said “yes,” others nodded affirmatively, and Lloyd gave us an appointment card for next Thursday at 1PM at Union School.