Cruz Confirmed Canadian

In a blockbuster of a breaking news story, former Republican presidential candidate has been confirmed to be Canadian.

Ted Cruz never denied being born in Canada and having Canadian citizenship, but claimed that having an American mother also gave him American citizenship. To put all questions to rest, Cruz agreed to a DNA blood test.


The results were conclusive. DNA showed American (mother) and Cuban (father) lineage as he claimed. But there was more evidence, this time damning him to being forever branded as American Lite. The blood sample ran thick with maple syrup.

The maple syrup was sent to a lab for analysis. This was not a typical American brand of weak, wimpy maple-flavored sugar topping. This turned out to be the real deal …

Maple Syrup

The strong evidence of maple syrup in Cruz’s blood turns out to be a direct match with Cleary’s Canadian Maple Syrup. Even worse, Cleary’s is a French Canadian company in Quebec. This is not maple syrup from Vermont. This is the hard stuff. No self-respecting American would be using this. We are quite content to use our comfortably racist brands of maple-flavored sugary toppings from Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth.

So while true that Cruz was born of an American mother, there is no denying that Cruz has Canada coursing through his veins. When asked for a comment, a Cruz spokesperson replied: “Take off, eh?”

What’s next? Ted Cruz for Prime Minister? God save Canada.

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