Tag: comedy

Spot On

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 4 Comments

I saw my dermatologist for one of my biannual check-ups so she can check out all my suspect spots that have developed over the past six months. As a skin cancer survivor, I take it very seriously, which is great to write about in a humor blog. Anyway, there were a few spots that concerned me. The good news is that my dermatologist dismissed almost all of them as AKs (precancers that she freezes off), SKs (harmless growths that I freeze or chemically burn off), and Special Ks. No, wait, that last one was my breakfast cereal.

But there was that one spot on my arm that neither one of us liked. We consulted with each other and agreed to take a biopsy. Fortunately, she thought it looked no worse than a basal cell carcinoma, the least dangerous of the skin cancers. And she appeared very impressed with the sebaceous cyst I lanced and drained myself. But then she dropped the news that may change the future course of my life.

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Dumbest. Protests. Ever.

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

On 2 of the last 3 weekends, I have participated in dumb political rallies & marches. Three weekends ago, I spent untold seconds working on a sign, gathered with others on one of our local bridges, and rallied support to …

Voting rights. Of all things, freakin’ voting rights, guaranteed under the Constitution. Isn’t that the dumbest thing to have to rally for? Sure, we got some support, waves, and honks. But we also got plenty of thumbs down and middle fingers. How are they against voting rights? One guy with a bunch of cameras hanging around his neck (btw, who does that anymore when phones take such excellent pics?) loped past me mouth-breathing and muttering under his breath. As he passed my sign, he sputtered, “Protect the Constitution.” I politely reminded him that voting rights were protected by the Constitution and amendments to it. And then he was off. He told me that the voting rights bills that Democrats were trying to get passed into law would allow illegal aliens to vote. I assured him that neither of the main voting rights bills being considered would allow that and suggested he read the bills. He replied, “F#@%in’ Democrats.” That’s typically how it goes. Present the opposition with facts, and the obscenities start to fly.

One other interaction stood out. As a car drove by, the driver leaned out the window and yelled, “F#@%in’ Jews.” Profane and racist. Nice combo. If we were Jews, he needs to be more careful. Doesn’t he listen to fellow conservative conspiracy crackpot Marjorie Taylor Greene with her theory about Jews having space lasers that she claims started California wildfires? Maybe those space lasers can be focused to incinerate a passing car spewing obscenities. All I need to do is give my buddy George Soros a call to get some space laser action sent my way.

That rally was dumb enough. But then this past weekend, we rallied and marched for …

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Find Yourself

~ Jim Flanigan

Let’s face it, we’ve all partied a bit too hard and had bad “days after,” but maybe not this bad.

I love the details in the story about how he “found” himself.

“At some point, volunteers began shouting his name. Mutlu became confused and asked who they were looking for, Turkish channel news channel NTV reported. “I am here,” he reportedly told them.”

I hope that someday I will become as self-aware as Mutlu and be able to find myself.

Ban Beards, not Music

~ Jim Flanigan

I was dismayed when a friend texted me that beards were once again being required by the Taliban in Afghanistan. I cranked up my old aol search engine (diesel fuel only, please) and found this headline on the world wide interweb.

Not just mandatory beards, but also a music ban! I’ll have you know that my New Music for Old Rockers blog feature ranks #63 in Afghanistan! I may have to work in more beard-related posts to stay relevant there. I do understand the beard edict. Beards look so awesome when you’re a Taliban fighter taking a boating selfie.

Not! I guess I get it just a bit. The Taliban wants beards, but they don’t want bearded people being negatively influenced by rock and/or roll and becoming like this jerk.

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Future Netflix Series?

~ Jim Flanigan

Now that I discovered that I know someone who has a successful Netflix series, Chicago Party Aunt, I have dusted off some of my old TV show ideas to pitch to Chicago Party Aunt’s creator to then pitch to Netflix. Here’s an idea of what you may see on Netflix in the future, thanks to me.

A dermatologist uses only lit cigarettes to burn unwanted growths off patients. Working title – Lit Zits!

An accupuncturist with a fear of needles uses lit cigarettes instead. Working title – There’s No Point.

Editor’s Note: Enough with the lit cigarettes already.

Think of this as a sequel to All Creatures Great and Small. A veterinarian only euthanizes patients. Working title – All Creatures Dead.

A former game show host becomes President. Oh, never mind on that one. That show was tried and was a complete disaster for four years.

An electrician with overactive sweat glands works in a constant puddle of perspiration. Working title – Shocking!

An airline pilot with narcolepsy only flies around sunrise with a therapy rooster that crows constantly to keep the pilot awake. Working title – Alarm Cock.

A zombie neurosurgeon’s patients all mysteriously die. Working title – Brain Food.

A heroin addict becomes a jockey to support his habit. Working title – Ride the White Horse.

Enjoy your future Netflix viewing, and you’re welcome!

New Music for Old Rockers – The Two Faces of Hush

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

I have a friend and reader of this blog (and therefore, waster of time) who wrote a great song decades ago, but won’t record it. Why? Because Styx stole the title for this sappy song.

I have tried to convince my friend that it doesn’t matter that Styx pilfered his title. His song is superior. Record it, put it up on YouTube, and I am sure in no time it will surpass the 4,205,467 views the Styx music video has. It is really okay to reuse a song title. Here’s a great example.

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My Days Are Numbered

~ Jim Flanigan

Yeah, that’s right, from 1 to 31, same as yours. I guess today is one of the special number days. I spotted this on Twitter.

To celebrate the occasion, on all the checks I write today, I plan to show the date as 9-21-21-21-21-21-21.

I guess tomorrow being an equinox is also a big day as the sun crosses the equator. We have cold and snow coming in the northern hemisphere, and down under in Australia, South America, and Africa, they get summer. I don’t think that’s fair. You never hear of southern hemisphere blizzards and unbearable temperatures during their winters. Sydney airport shut down because of heavy snow? Rio schools closed due to whiteout conditions and unsafe temps? Cape Town roads covered in ice and snow causing massive 50+ car pile-ups? No, no, & no. And they get super hot summers which I don’t think they like. I’m always hearing news stories with Aussies bitching about the sweltering summer heat. Maybe with just a slight adjustment to the tilt of the Earth’s axis, we could even things out a bit more. I mean, why have nuclear power and weaponry if we don’t use it to make necessary adjustments? We had 8 years with supposed progressives running the US from 2008 to 2016, but did they address it? No. Thanks, Obama.

Anyway, enjoy this 21 day today and don’t forget to send that special someone in your life “Happy Equinox” greetings tomorrow. By special someone, I mean me. In lieu of equinox salutations, I will also accept if you click this link to buy my award-winning book of short stories.

The Return of … Random Thoughts

~ Jim Flanigan

I haven’t published a Random Thoughts post in years, and I acknowledge the public outcry, or lack thereof. One of those two. I am responding with a potentially triumphant return Random Thoughts post. So, let’s dive right into my alleged mind.

This current Applebee’s commercial makes me want to NEVER eat at an Applebee’s again.

Our governor has reinstated a mask mandate in the state of Illinois, and it is great. It saves me so much time, because with the mask on when I am out in public, I can get away with less frequent nose hair timmings.

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Party On, Chicago Party Aunt

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 2 Comments

This will be an unusual blog post in that it won’t be funny.

Editor’s Note: Not unusual at all for this blog.

Anyway, I’m blogging today to promote the debut of Chicago Party Aunt on Netflix today. Here she is in all of her splendor.

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Mask Mandate for my Masked Man-Date

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

I was invited to the Chicago Bears home opener this coming Sunday by a rich friend that takes pity on me from time to time and invites me to various sporting events to sit in very good seats and eat very good food. I was flattered by the man-date invite, but also torn and took a day to make the decision. On the one hand, I want to go to the game and don’t want the man-date invites to stop. On the other hand, COVID! I would be one of 60,000 plus people in Soldier Field in Chicago on Sunday. I really wasn’t sure of what to do.

I was leaning toward going, but maybe upgrading my choice of mask. There is now a mask mandate in Chicago, so I would need to mask up when I’m in enclosed areas at the stadium. I thought I should get one of the fancy N95 or KN95 masks for upgraded protection over my normal cloth or surgical mask.

I met a couple much less rich friends for brunch on the day I needed to make the decision about going. One of my friends told me that he went to two Chicago White Sox baseball games unmasked, and it was fine. Still, I felt I needed a sign, and boy, did I ever get one.

As we were walking in the parking lot, I looked down, and this is the sign I spotted.

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Adding Ads?

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

Sales of my award-winning, side-splitting book of short stories about the afterlife do not appear like they will be sufficient to fund a lifestyle for me of champagne wishes and caviar dreams. Therefore, this notice from WordPress caught my eye.

As I clicked the link to start making money, I guessed that I would be instructed to offer to shut the blog down in exchange for donations. But, no. This popped up next.

I can’t imagine any scenario where the internet’s top ad suppliers bid for ad space on this blog. Bidding to stay off this blog? That I can believe. Anyway, adding ads sounded pretty good and easy to me, but this is the first ad that was suggested.

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A Rocky Retirement

~ Jim Flanigan

As I start to plan for my retirement, albeit a bit late,

Editor’s Note: Way, WAY too late.

As I was saying, as I start to plan for my retirement, I’m beginning to think that counting on income from sports gambling winnings may not be the best plan.

Editor’s Note: You can bet on that.

Another Edition of … Am I a Bad Guy?

~ Jim Flanigan

You may recall that we enlarged and renovated our bathroom earlier this year. It turned out great. Now my wife claims that although the bathroom walls are painted, the other side of the new walls in our bedroom need more than just white paint. In addition, she insists that if we paint the new walls, we need to paint ALL the walls in the room. Sounds crazy to me, but she’s got the artistic eye … or does she? It looks like she has started painting. I have to say, I’m not thrilled. Take a look and tell me if I’m wrong.

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Weighting for More

~ Jim Flanigan

How many pounds of weight lost is too many? For me, I’m not sure that number exists. If you recall from my post about July weight loss, I had made my original weight loss goal. It took me over a year to lose 20 pounds. I still felt puffy, so I figured I would continue on. But continue what? I’m not on a diet. I just eat right. I had even cut back a bit on exercise from last year, although I still posted a respectable average daily step/bike crank total in August.

After swimming 9 miles in July, I scaled back to 7 miles in August. So how did I lose 3 more pounds in August? I don’t have COVID or any other deadly disease. I’m starting to think it may have to do with one of the two mystery supplements I started taking at the beginning of June. They weren’t a mystery to me, but I have been teasing them a bit in this blog. Well, it’s time for their big reveal.

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