The 40+ year old mystery had eaten away at my soul like athlete’s foot has eaten away my pinky toe, leaving just a stump of flesh and bone with a nail. Hmm, upon further review, that’s what a pinky toe is normally. Bad analogy. Regardless, the mystery of the band I saw in my first concert while on my first date has been solved. Okay, technically it wasn’t my first concert. I had been to a zither concert (no kidding) with the neighbor kid across the street and his dad. But that doesn’t really count, because we just explored the building and screwed around while the zitherists were zithering. Anyway, the mystery involved my first rock concert on my first date, and it has been solved.

I hurriedly gushed out all the details to my wife. Her crossed arms and steely gaze signaled to me that she would be mad if I left out any detail. When she told me, “You realize that I don’t know any of these people you’re talking about,” I understood that she wanted me to fill her in on every little detail so she would feel she knew the people. I hadn’t seen my wife so excited to hear one of my stories since I regaled her with news of how I resolved my ingrown toenail issue.

Editor’s Note: Sorry about a second toe reference in the first two paragraphs, but the idiot insisted it remain in this post. Might be some sort of weird fetish.

Anyway, I shared the mystery resolution with my wife, and now I’m prepared to share it with you.

I fear that if Trump is re-elected, there will be a civil war in this country. For that reason, I have decided to carry a weapon. Ironically, I have taken Trump’s words to heart and will acquire the weapon he fears the most. No, not truth. Not Nancy Pelosi. Not guns. Listen for yourself …

My wife is trying to kill me with this …

No, she didn’t take the popsicle stick from the garbage and sharpen it into a stabbin’ shiv. She’s trying to kill me with the mac & cheese. No, she’s not trying to poison me, but she just about killed me by putting it in the garbage.

I enter this picture as the first piece of evidence …

Continue reading “My Wife is Trying to Kill Me” →

I enjoy our backyard pond. I dug it myself. While digging, I could have gone in a couple directions which I explained in this blog post. I have shed blood over this pond, and lost my boyish good lucks in the process. Despite the macabre aura of blood and death surrounding this pond, it was my quiet place, until my pond was literally visited by blood and death last night. Now it will have to be my quiet place of blood and death.

Continue reading “FIN” →