My Wife is Trying to Kill Me

My wife is trying to kill me with this …


No, she didn’t take the popsicle stick from the garbage and sharpen it into a stabbin’ shiv. She’s trying to kill me with the mac & cheese. No, she’s not trying to poison me, but she just about killed me by putting it in the garbage.

I enter this picture as the first piece of evidence …


This is an actual police forensics photo showing plenty of empty storage containers in our drawer at the time the mac & cheese was discovered in the garbage. Yet, my wife claimed she needed a container for our dog’s pumpkin that she eats to minimize her anal gland leakage (another post for another time, sorry). Hmm, how suspicious. Here is that actual container that formerly held the garbage mac & cheese now filled with pumpkin.


Members of the jury, I submit to you 2 theories supported by these crime scene pictures that will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that my wife is trying to kill me.

First, I have eaten garbage pie before. My wife is well aware that I will eat garbage food. It is not healthy to eat out of the garbage. My wife is well aware of that. Perhaps the perfectly good mac & cheese was bait she placed to entice me to eat in an unhealthy manner from the garbage.

And my second theory is that my wife knows that I exist primarily on leftovers. Nothing gets thrown out. Ever. Seeing perfectly good mac & cheese in the garbage just about killed me.

My wife claims she thought it was old mac & cheese. Members of the jury, does that look like old mac & cheese? Not a spot of blue mold can be found on it. I encourage you to return a verdict of guilty on 2 counts – macslaughter and attempted manslaughter. I rest my case.