Mite Be Funny #209 – Happy Valentine’s Day
Author: Jim Flanigan
Things to do in the Dead of Winter
It was cold and snowy yesterday. We’ll be hovering around 0F/-18C for the next couple of days, and we received a couple more inches of snow yesterday in this bitter cold. So, I went looking for things to do after I got rid of a car full of diapers.
No, they were not for me … yet. They were for a food, diaper, and feminine hygiene products drive that I participated in today. I wish someone could tell me why there are never masculine hygiene products donated. Seems sexist, but what do I know? Don’t answer that. Anyway, here are some things I found to consider doing on cold and snowy days this weekend.
Find Your Cock
Get your mind out of the gutter. Maybe this will explain it a bit more …
Continue reading “Things to do in the Dead of Winter”I’m thrilled that my wife received her first COVID-19 vaccination shot yesterday. She works in a school, risking exposure every day. I don’t expect to receive a vaccination for possibly months. Although I’m thrilled for my wife, I will get a bit nervous if she starts asking about my life insurance coverage.
A Cataclysmic Failure
There were several powerful speeches given at Donald Trump’s second impeachment trial that opened Tuesday. One of his attorneys, Bruce Castor, did not make one of those powerful speeches.
If I hire an attorney for any reason, there are 2 things I definitely don’t want that attorney to do:
- Praise the opposing attorney’s presentation.
- Suggest I be arrested and prosecuted.
If you don’t want to listen to all of Castor’s defense, this sums it up pretty well …
Continue reading “A Cataclysmic Failure”Jim’s Poetry Corner for a Circular Room
It’s oppressively cold here for the next week or so. What genius decided that this planet was habitable? Anyway, here’s a bit of poetry for the bitter cold. Feel free to add your own lines to create an even longer and more painful poem to read.
Winter’s grip of ice and cold is more than I can bear
As I rend my clothes in deep despair.
Now I sit shivering in my underwear,
Glad to not be completely bare,
And wishing I had even more body hair.
So I sally forth completely aware
That frostbite may require medical care.
But fear not for my general welfare,
For I awake and find it was just a nightmare.
Wait, no it’s not. It’s the freakin’ Arctic out there.
Bonus Content Alert
If you’re feeling lucky and want to risk extending this post beyond the poem and delve into the depths of Omaha, Nebraska winter weather and one-hit music wonders, then click to read more …
Continue reading “Jim’s Poetry Corner for a Circular Room”Mite Be Funny #208 – Giant Multi-Panel Super Bowl Edition
Guaranteed Super Bowl Winners
At the beginning of 2020, my home state of Illinois legalized online sports gambling. I thought nothing of that because within no time at all, there were no sports. Thanks, COVID. But then sports started to come back. I still thought nothing of it. I was too busy being poor, thanks again to COVID. But then my oldest son, who always has been a bad influence on me, suggested I start gambling on NFL football. I signed up.
Now here we are, wrapping up the NFL season tomorrow with the Super Bowl, and I will finish the season with winnings of right about $1400. I didn’t just bet football. I’ve also bet baseball, baseketball, hockey, soccer, tennis, golf, and mma, all to a lesser degree. It doesn’t matter what sport I bet. I’m a terrible bettor. A former Chicago Bear football player named Doug Buffone used to say, “Those who gamble live in shambles.” That’s me. I could bet on a coin flip 100 times and get it right maybe 10 times. So, how did I win $1400 in 5 months? Well, I may be terrible at betting, but I’m great at math. Here’s the system …
Continue reading “Guaranteed Super Bowl Winners”My Plan to Lose Weight by Gaining Weight is Working!
When we last left our plucky dieter (me!), my diet plan for January & February was for me to gain 2 pounds each month in order to lose weight. You can read and try and make sense of that logic in the complete post HERE, but the gist is that it is inevitable that I will gain weight in the winter, so I need to control my weight gain, unlike in years past when I have inflated like a balloon at a kid’s birthday party by the end of winter.
That is me after most winters. Oh, but not this one. I planned to limit my weight gain which would allow me to start Spring weighing less than a year ago. After only gaining a pound in December, I planned to add 2 pounds each month in January and February. Then I could start March at 9 pounds less than last year. I lost 17 pounds in 2020 before the cold weather hit, so if I could lose just 15 additional pounds this year, I would be very happy at being down 24 total pounds from my peak in early 2020. Whew, I did not realize there would be math required with this post.
So, what did I do to only gain 2 pounds in January? Well, I exercised less. Take a look …
Continue reading “My Plan to Lose Weight by Gaining Weight is Working!”Rejected!
I had a different post planned for today, but this arrived …
My book has been rejected! Well, almost. I didn’t even get that far with Black Rose Writing. My submission to submit my book for consideration has been rejected. I’m confident that if I keep trying, I’ll eventually get a rejection of the manuscript itself. I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try.
What’s that? You’re wondering what manuscript I’m talking about. Well, thanks for your interest. Here it is …
(Editor’s Note: For those of you familiar with this blog and Jim’s shameless book plugs, now is a good time to bail on this post. There will be better posts to read all the way through. On second thought, maybe not based on history. Anyway, your call. If you proceed, you’ve been warned.)
Continue reading “Rejected!”BREAKING NEWS …
RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel announced today that the Republican Party has officially changed its name to the RepubliQAnon Party.
Mite Be Funny #207 – What’s in a Name?
A Tempting Viral Offer
They need to stop sending me these offers …
I understand that COVID-19 can be a killer. I mask-up. I sanitize my hands. I isolate myself as much as possible. That last one is especially appreciated by all who know me. But the temptation to get COVID so I can qualify for this study is almost too much for a money-grubbing lowlife like me. I sure could use $4875.
I have a safer solution …
Continue reading “A Tempting Viral Offer”The Honeymoon is Over
Thanks to Women for Trump co-founder Amy Kremer for peeling back the ugliness of the nascent Biden administration to reveal this new scandal.
Can we get Rep. Jim Jordan working on hearings for Cordgate ASAP? But pay no attention to this …
Continue reading “The Honeymoon is Over”Affection for Rejection
The reviews for my book BEYOND: Tales of the Afterlife are dribbling in like an old man standing at a urinal. Here are some words I pulled from the reviews that have been used to describe the book:
- Irreverent
- Deeply Reverent (???)
- Humorous
- Well-written
- Weird
- Charming
- Disturbing
- Goofy
- Thoughtful
- Thought-provoking
- Thoughtless (just kidding about this one)
- Engaging
- Dizzying Kaleidoscope of Perspectives and Styles
You can read the reviews yourself on Amazon. Because of those overwhelmingly positive reviews, I’ve made a decision …
Continue reading “Affection for Rejection”Mite Be Funny #206 – Special Post-Inauguration Multi-Panel Edition
BEYOND: Tales of the Afterlife – A Look Inside Tale #2
The year is 1968. The hot rock & roll bands are the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, and the Monkees, although I distinctly recall girls in my grade school class talking about how much they loved the Turtles. Why can I remember that bit of minutiae and not that garbage day is Tueday?
Anyway, I go back and forth. The Beatles are the greatest rock and roll band ever, right? Sure, we all have our favorite other non-Beatle bands. Mine include XTC, Squeeze, Cage the Elephant, Springsteen & the E Street Band, Wilco, Tame Impala, The Clash, Crowded House, and many others. And I’ll choose to listen to those bands over the Beatles more times than not. But still, the Beatles are tops, right? Right? Well, maybe not.
I’ve been thinking a whole lot about the Rolling Stones recently. They released this song earlier in 2020 around the start of the COVID quarantine.
It’s not a great song, but it’s certainly a good tune that sounds exactly like a Rolling Stones song should sound. They are still producing good new music after more than 50 years! And they’re not half dead like the Beatles. Sure, the Stones lost Brian Jones early on, and Bill Wyman has retired, but Mick & Keith are still going strong with Charlie Watts on drums and Ron Wood on guitar. I’m starting to give the nod to the Stones over the Beatles simply due to longevity.
So, what does this have to do with my book of short stories titled BEYOND: Tales of the Afterlife, available on Amazon? Well, Tale #2 is titled “A Monkee to Die For,” and revolves around a Davy Jones promotional visit to a California record store. In the story, not only is Jones featured in an indirect way, but the Rolling Stones and Beatles also get mentions. My video excerpt in this post from Tale #2 involves a demonic being explaining to a 12 year old girl smitten by Davy Jones that the Rolling Stones may not be as icky as she thinks. Take a look and listen.
Continue reading “BEYOND: Tales of the Afterlife – A Look Inside Tale #2”BEYOND: Tales of the Afterlife – A Look Inside Tale #1
I have gotten side-tracked with all this inauguration stuff. I need to get back to hawking my book of 16 short stories titled BEYOND: Tales of the Afterlife while also entertaining you, my valued readers (he said, sucking up to his readers in the hope of making a book sale and earning a few measly coins from Amazon).
In a non-COVID world, I would normally be out on a promotional tour of truck stops and gas stations throughout the Rust Belt of the US reading excepts from the book, with or without the venue’s consent, which can make for an interesting book reading. The readings featuring sock puppets are normally the favorites of people who happen to come inside for a rotisserie hot dog or shower. But with COVID, I have resorted to video readings.
Let’s dive into the first story titled “Doggone.” All 16 stories are connected in some way to the afterlife, and this one finds the lead character, Jerry, waking up in the afterlife confronting God. But not God as humans may typically imagine God. God is in a bit of a different form here, and why not? I won’t give too much away, because I know you are dying to read it (pun intended).
This video clip features me reading about Jerry’s indignation at being the victim of a practical joke played on him by God.
Continue reading “BEYOND: Tales of the Afterlife – A Look Inside Tale #1”Qs with Questions
QAnon Questions
So, where do QAnon conspiracy nutjobs go from here? I imagine them asking each other, “Can Trump still declare martial law AFTER Biden is inaugurated?” And to be clear, that’s MARTIAL law, not marshall law.
Oops! See what you did there, Marco?
No worries, just correct it.
Continue reading “QAnon Questions”Flies On Washington Walls #191 – Farewell Donald Trump Edition
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 