Taking a page from the Bernie Sanders book, Donald Trump is now offering a free college education, sort of. Trump has announced that Trump University will reopen immediately after his inauguration on January 20, 2017. This version of Trump U will not focus on making money in real estate, but will be all about “positive alignment with Trump values” and unlike normal Trump values, Trump U will be 100% free upfront. But there are a couple catches.
Getting into Trump U is not for everyone. Entrance into Trump U will be by invitation only, and acceptance is mandatory. Graduation from Trump U will be at the discretion of administration. Here’s how it will work.
Your invitation to Trump U will be personally delivered.
Not near a Trump U campus? No worries! Transportation to the nearest Trump U will be provided.
You arrive at one of the many Trump U satellite locations that are being planned across the country!
You are escorted to a waiting area. Don’t worry, it won’t be a long wait. You want them to get the temperature in the delousing showers comfortable, don’t you?
You are assigned to a dormitory. Never lived away from home? Don’t worry, your dorm room is 100% secure. Make sure to enjoy the company of your fellow students in the common area!
School uniforms, really? Sure, that is a great way to encourage school spirit. Go DOCs!
Not only is tuition free, but textbooks are also provided at no charge.
Students are allowed to study at their own pace, but slower learners will be given encouragement to pick up the pace. Administration has found that physical fitness activities like water sports encourage faster learning.
If you graduate, you will be rewarded with a dizzying array of benefits.
First, you will be rewarded with a stylish ankle bracelet that will continue to provide you security and piece of mind through 24 hour monitoring. How thoughtful! Concerned about being the only one wearing one? Don’t worry, it will become a trend very quickly in 2017.
You will also be assigned your very own Trump U Personal Development Counselor with whom you will meet weekly to make sure you continue on the Trump path to success.
And how about that job you will need after graduation to repay your tuition from Trump U? Just show your ankle bracelet that signifies that you graduated from Trump U, and many exciting career opportunities will be open to you such as in grounds maintenance on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate or in janitorial services in Trump Tower. Can’t decide? No worries. A job will be assigned to you based upon the whims of Trump University administration and the needs of the Trump family.
What about going home you ask? Who would want to when you could be trimming beach grass at Mar-a-Lago or scrubbing the marble floors of Trump Tower?
The first students slated for a stint at Trump U are rumored to be the liberal media, including satirical bloggers. Gulp!