I’m Successful Like Trump!

So it turns out that recently, I am enjoying unparalleled success by following the lead of Donald Trump. Trump recently tweeted this great success …



Permit me to recap the profundity of this tweet.

Trump is taking credit for keeping a Ford/Lincoln plant in Kentucky that was absolutely, positively, 100% NOT planning on moving out of Kentucky for Mexico.

This is brilliant and it has inspired me to succeed just like Trump. Just take a look at my recent accomplishments:

  • I have successfully kept ISIS terrorists from attacking the Empire State Building today.
  • I have successfully kept reanimated zombies from eating the brains of our political leaders. (Or did I? Sometimes hard to tell.)
  • I have successfully kept a meteor of herculean proportions from crashing into the Earth and extinguishing life as we know it.

I am eagerly awaiting congratulations and gratitude from Trump himself on perhaps my greatest achievement today:

  • I have successfully kept Trump Tower from being sucked down into Earth to the Gates of Hell where all inhabitants would be consumed by the fires of Hades.

Hmmm, upon further review, I may reconsider whether I want to keep that last one from happening.