Mite Be Funny – RIP Bill Withers
Tag: funny
What Wood You Call This?
After a successful hike in the woods on Wednesday, I returned for a longer COVID-19 coronavirus therapy hike on a different trail yesterday. It was just me and Lola the dog yesterday. My daughter was too tired to hike after playing some backyard badminton. Is that possible, getting tired from casual badminton when you’re 11 years old?
On Wednesday, we may have stumbled upon our future forever home. If that doesn’t work out, Lola and I found a potentially less expensive, albeit smaller, place we could call home.
And then we discovered what I though could be the most important archaeological find of the 21st century to date. Dinosaur bones or maybe teeth? Take a look and decide what you see.
Flip or Flop
My wife and I are considering downsizing our home. She watches the home shows and elbows me in the ribs so I can see people buying dumps and flipping them into their forever homes. But for now, we still have 5 people living in the house. How can I encourage children to leave so we can downsize? Anyway, we are scouting out possible areas to relocate.
In order to keep what is left of my sanity during this COVID-19 coronavirus, I have taken to walking in the woods. I dragged our dog and youngest daughter along yesterday.
That’s our dog, not my daughter for those of you who are species-challenged. It was good to walk the hills and hear the frogs croaking in the wetlands. And then we stumbled upon what may be our future dream home that just needs a little flipping magic.
Trump Fails Another Test
Some people were shocked that Trump rolled out the My Pillow guy, Mike Lindell, during the COVID-19 coronavirus press conference yesterday.
Not me. Let’s see, what is on the My Pillow guy’s resume?
- Admitted ocaine & crack user from late 80s through the 2000s.
- Prior to starting the drugs, he had accumulated several DWIs for alcohol abuse.
- Owed the mafia tens of thousands of dollars due to gambling debts. Paid off his gambling debts by gambling sober for a while and winning.
- Multiple bankruptcies to his name.
- Divorced in 2008.
- First arrest for domestic assault in 2008. Order of protection was given to his alleged victim.
- Second arrest just a couple months later for violating that order of protection. He pleaded guilty to this charge and the assualt charge was dismissed.
- Third arrest in 2008 was for passing bad checks. Charges were dropped when he agreed to pay restitution.
- Late in 2008, his drug dealers staged an intervention on his behalf.
- Second divorce in 2013 after a 1 month marriage.
- He agreed to pay a one million dollar settlement in 2016 for fraudulent health claims related to My Pillow.
- Better Business Bureau lowers its rating for My Pillow to F in 2017.
- He received an honorary doctorate from Jerry Falwell Jr’s Liberty University in 2019. Yes, the same Liberty University that just reopened and is spreading the COVID-19 coronavirus amongst students.
Mike Lindell is perfect to stand with Trump. Both have been drug users, criminals, and continue to be grifters. Do not buy any My Pillow product.
What I was pleasantly surprised at was the unveiling of the new Abbott COVID-19 coronavirus test.
Abbott Labs has passed the test in this time of crisis. Thanks to Abbott for stepping-up. However, when Trump unveiled the new Abbott test, he failed miserably.
Just Say No(se) to Magnets
This Australian scientist, Dr. Daniel Reardon, tried to invent a device that keeps us from touching our faces during this coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic. His reward?
A visit to the hospital, magnets stuck in his nose, and a magnet down his throat. For full story details, Click HERE.
Here’s his hospital info upon discharge …
I think the last line is telling … Denies further magnets. I don’t blame him. He nose better now.
Mite Be Funny #163
DIY Masks
Healthcare workers and hospitals need masks. They are desperate for any masks to protect themselves and patients from the COVID-19 coronavirus. Fo NOT use this one though.
Too scary.
A dear friend sent me instructions on how to make my own masks from old cotton tee shirts. Seemed like too much work for me when my old cotton underwear could work just as well. First, I tried this look with a pair of boxers and a shoelace …
USA #1 Again!
Despite a late start, it looks like the USA is #1 once again. Yay?
When & Where Are They Performing?
I saw this news article yesterday.
Click HERE for full story.
My initial thought upon reading that there are such things as Pablo Escobar’s Cocaine Hippos … GREAT NAME FOR A BAND! Can you imagine that PELIGRO text with the hippo on the bass drum? I want to see that band … NOW!
What is somewhat overshadowed in the title and story is that there were once giant llamas. Not as good a name for a band, but I want to see them, too. Not the band, the real thing.
A Dreaded Top 10 List
I was going to start 2020 with the Top 10 List in this post below. And then I thought, “No, let’s not start 2020 with a classless post. Let’s stay classy and have a great 2020.” Well, you know that’s a pipe dream now with the COVID-19 coronavirus crashing our 2020 party. I’m currently eating corn on the cob for breakfast so we have cobs available for when we run out of toilet paper, and I’ll soon head out to collect filth for our dinner tonight.
And what do watch as we eat another filth casserole for dinner? Netflix is so strained that all we can get to stream without constant buffering is a documentary on the Republicans race to the White House in 2008. You know what that means? You betcha’ … more Sarah Palin.
So, it has come to this. The Top 10 list I didn’t want to use in 2020 follows. Sorry.
Top 10 Hair to Transplant to my Head
Mite Be Funny #162 – Special Multi-Panel Quarantine Edition
Flanigan Fiction Finally Freed!
Well, the big Book Release Party for the book that has my short story in it has been postponed due to the COVID-19 coronavirus. I am somewhat relieved that I don’t have to be in a social situation with other nerdy writers. Being with myself all the time is bad enough. The book is being released online initially through the publisher’s website at Crow Woods Publishing, and eventually through Amazon, etc. Here’s a mention of my story from the publisher.
I find it so fitting that there is a misspelling in the description. And just a touch of humor? Maybe it would have been funnier if the publisher hadn’t removed a joke.
Anyway, here’s the pic that inspired my story …
If you are interested in an unabridged version of my story with all jokes intact, contact me.
Details coming about more Flanigan Fiction due for release soon. Consider yourself warned.
Tread Lightly
I was unsure of whether I would be able to walk again, let alone feed, bathe, or clothe myself. That’s right, I recently had a sore, swollen knee. Spare me your pity, but monetary contributions are always welcome. It was only through sheer will, grit, determination, and my wife’s nagging that I found I could walk again, if you can call what I do walking. And it was my dog, yes, my dog, that got me to use my treadmill again.
It’s a great treadmill that was sitting idle while I writhed in pain as I ate ice cream and my family urged me to “get off my fat ass and do something for God’s sake” or some encouraging words to that effect. Even the treadmill taunted me regarding my potentially burgeoning weight without activity.
But it wasn’t my family’s “encouragement” that got me to use the treadmill again. It was my faithful dog and her chunky vomit that got me to use the treadmill again. I’ll explain.
I Visited an America of the Past
I took a drive yesterday for business purposes. I headed west to a town called Mendota in north central Illinois. Mendota is not a particularly pretty town, or maybe it was just the rainy day that made it appear a bit bleak and rundown. But it looked like any other town in any part of the Rust Belt in the USA. And it was comforting.
First, the COVID-19 coronavirus had not started infecting people in the area yet. I still took extreme precautions as I was out and about. It wasn’t a good business call. My appointment hated the product I presented.
While out, I carefully explored some stores out west. I found toilet paper in Mendota. 2 pack limit, but plenty on the shelf. I remember that time in America when clean butts were a given. As I headed home, I stopped in Earlville and found ramen noodles on a store shelf. Amazing discovery. Another nostalgic blast from America’s past. I grabbed some and arrived home to be hailed as a returning hero with a bounty of both toilet paper and ramen.
As I got back into my town, I stopped at a local store for some frozen veggies to throw in with the ramen I had scored. But first I peeked. Still no toilet paper. No ramen noodles. But worse, no frozen veggies except for …. brussel sprouts. Ew. I grudgingly purchased the last bag in the freezer.
I felt some guilt as I made ramen noodles last night. Perhaps I should save them for possible grimmer times ahead. I have no return trips to Mendota or Earlville planned, thankfully. I did discover that brussel sprouts are palatable in small doses. I enjoyed that bowl of ramen noodles. It reminded me of an America I once knew.
I Love Phlegm
I know one of the symptoms of the COVID-19 coronavirus is a dry cough. These days, whenever I cough, I celebrate if I can hear, feel, or see phlegm as a result of the cough. So far, so good.
As for this woman …
She needs to be tested. I hope she’s not in the USA. Lotsa luck getting tested if she is.
I’m desperately trying to lose weight during this COVID-19 coronavirus crisis. It’s not so much about conserving our family’s precious food supplies. It’s more about becoming a less attractive target for when the cannibalism begins.
A Gold Medal Response to Coronavirus
Almost all sporting events have been canceled. I guess that’s one way to cure my sports gambling addiction. Wanna bet on that?
I hear that the Olympics may also be canceled. I think that may be smart, and it opens up a unique opportunity for all of us to make our own Olympics. I love watching the explosiveness of the 100 meter dash. So why not participate?
Maybe add some hurdles in to exemplify the hurdles and obstacles we encounter in life, like the COVID-19 coronavirus.
Perhaps you favor the distance races.
I’m starting to think that choosing raw tuna sushi as my stock-up food during the COVID-19 coronavirus crisis was a bad decision.
I Was a Coronavirus Zombie
Schools are closed. Bars and restaurants are supposed to close at the end of business today. Hey, what about restaurants that are open 24/7? Do they have to abide by the ban if they don’t close today? Food and paper products are in short supply. I know my family is debating if they should eat me now while I am still fat in order to conserve the rest of the food in the house.
I took matters into my own hands last night at 10PM as I went out to feed. Just to clarify, I pretty much self-quarrantine every winter after dark. Last night I felt like I had been turned into a coronavirus zombie, going out after dark to feed when there would be no lines. Oops, I was an hour early. It turns out that many others had the same idea around 10PM. I kept to myself, huddled in a fetal position on a barren shelf in the canned vegetable aisle next to a solitary can of okra until the crowd cleared a bit by 11PM.
This is one of the first sights that greeted me when I walked in …
Another Edition of … Am I a Bad Guy?
Now that we are in the grip of the coronavirus, I find myself starting to hoard food and toilet paper from my family.
Am I a bad guy?
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 