Tag: funny

Superheroes with Super Powers

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

I’m short on time these days because of being in an actual election race, but I did want to take time to point out some real-life superheroes with super powers. My wife works in education, so she is now fully vaccinated against COVID, which I believe makes her immortal. Now is probably a good time to consider canceling her unnecessary life insurance policy.

Teachers and support staff deserve it. They have been some of the superheroes on the front lines during this pandemic. But what about me? I want some super powers, too. I immediately thought about my ability to flare my nostrils. But once I cranked up the Google machine, I see others have this maybe not-so-super power, too.

I do like how his nostrils flare into sort of a heart shape. I would show you a gif of mine flaring, but nobody wants to see up my nostrils until I give them a good pruning. Unfortunately, my nose hair trimmer is a bit low on gas and oil these days.

But I did think of a super power I definitely have. That’s good considering I could win a quarter million dollars with it from the Center for Inquiry. That link gets you to their website page with lots of stories about the quarter mil challenge. So far, nobody has collected. But has anyone shown off this super power that I have?

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Flies On Washington Walls #192 – Return of the Flies in a Multi-Panel Trump Inauguration Day Special

~ Jim Flanigan
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I Was Wary of my Winter Weightloss Wish Working

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 2 Comments

And it didn’t, but I still succeeded … sort of. As I have explained in prior posts, I was pretty sure I would gain weight over the winter. The key for me was to try and limit that weight gain. By late summer of 2020, I had lost 17 pounds through spring and summer. As soon as cooler weather in early fall arrived and I took our pool down, I almost immediately added back 2 pounds. I went into the winter months of December through February hoping to minimize my weight gain. I wanted to show some progress from 2020 to 2021. It didn’t help that I could not bring myself to go to the health club all winter while a pandemic raged out of control in the US.

I was limited to walking outside, our treadmill, and our elliptical machine. I never got around to setting up a bike on a stationary trainer like I wanted. Mild winter weather allowed me to still walk outside in December and most of January, but then winter hit here with a vengance in February. We had about 3 weeks straight of incessant snow and frigid temps. I was relegated to shoveling/snowblowing outdoors when necessary (which seemed to be daily) and walking/ellipsing indoors. Take a look at how my steps in February shrank for the third month in a row …

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Please Rise and Put Your Hands Over Your Ears for the National Anthem

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 2 Comments

I have a big day of blogging ahead for me as I reveal the final total of my winter weight gain in a post later today or tonight or tomorrow morning or whenever the hell I find the time to finish it. Stop rushing me! Before I start all my bloggishness, please join me in the National Anthem, as sung by Sailor Sabol at CPAC 2021, the right wing conservative conference, white supremacist meet & greet, and COVID super-spreader event. Feel free to put your hand over your heart, but I suggest you move both hands over your ears about halfway in as this Sailor encounters choppy waters (no relation to Muddy Waters).

Look, I can’t sing, but I am self-aware enough to know that I can’t sing. We’ve all seen those anthem videos when the singer forgets the words. We should have been so fortunate with Sailor. I wondered what key Sailor was singing in. It turns out – all of them.

This is the political party that wraps themselves in the American flag and claims to bleed red, white, and blue. If Republicans are so damn patriotic, get a good singer for the anthem at your events.

By the way, in exchange for the use of that YouTube video in this blog post, I am contractually obligated to mention that Sailor Sabol is available for bookings at weddings, bar and baht mitzvahs, and waterboardings.

Happy Belated Fake Holiday

~ Jim Flanigan

I hate myself for missing another holiday, but I don’t blame myself. That’s right, I missed National Margarita Day. How can I be expected to remember a fake tropical drink holiday when there’s snow on the ground (not a euphemism)? I mean, there’s some effort required to prepare a margarita. It’s more work than me opening a beer and pouring it into a glass. Okay, just kidding about the glass. That doesn’t happen. If I’m going to the trouble to make a tropical drink to celebrate the holiday, I want to be able to make a BIG margarita.

Nice, but I’ve got my sights set on a REAL BIG margarita …

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Mite Be Funny #210 – Boycott!

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 2 Comments
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Can’tcun for Cruz

~ Jim Flanigan

Once again, the crack invetigative team at JimFlanigan.com has uncovered the REAL reason Ted Cruz cut short his Cancun vacation. No, it wasn’t his concern for his Texas constituents. And it wasn’t concern for the family dog they left behind in a cold house. Was it that his wife Heidi didn’t want to spend time with him?

Ouch. Maybe. But I’m sure he wanted to spend some quality time with his kids. Let’s take a look …

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Bully For Me

~ Jim Flanigan

My bully is dead. Allow me to clarify. This was not my personal bully that carried out nefarious deeds at my behest. No, I’m going back quite a few years to my high school days. I was actually fortunate. I had 3 bullies to choose between to pick on me. And why not? I can’t really blame them. I was about 5’2″, barely over 100 lbs., and looked like about 10 years old as I entered 9th grade as a high school freshman. I was perfect bully bait. If I was bigger, I would have picked on myself.

I may overstate how much I got bullied. I never got beat up or seriously hurt, except maybe psychologically to the point where I have to work out my issues decades later through strange blog posts. But I do recall being called names, books knocked down, and a few uncomfortable headlocks.

By the time my 10 year high school reunion came around, I was a grown ass man almost a foot taller and many pounds heavier. Okay, I wasn’t heavily muscled, but I was in shape and carried myself well and confidently, especially after a couple beverages. I had my sights set for revenge on one of the bullies who was more of the name-caller and mental bully. I can’t recall how I knew he would be there, but I was gunning for him, without any guns, of course.

And then I saw him. He was not how I expected him to be. I almost immediately abandoned my plans to spill hot coffee on him. Here’s why …

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Things to do in the Dead of Winter

~ Jim Flanigan

It was cold and snowy yesterday. We’ll be hovering around 0F/-18C for the next couple of days, and we received a couple more inches of snow yesterday in this bitter cold. So, I went looking for things to do after I got rid of a car full of diapers.

No, they were not for me … yet. They were for a food, diaper, and feminine hygiene products drive that I participated in today. I wish someone could tell me why there are never masculine hygiene products donated. Seems sexist, but what do I know? Don’t answer that. Anyway, here are some things I found to consider doing on cold and snowy days this weekend.

Find Your Cock

Get your mind out of the gutter. Maybe this will explain it a bit more …

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~ Jim Flanigan

I’m thrilled that my wife received her first COVID-19 vaccination shot yesterday. She works in a school, risking exposure every day. I don’t expect to receive a vaccination for possibly months. Although I’m thrilled for my wife, I will get a bit nervous if she starts asking about my life insurance coverage.

A Cataclysmic Failure

~ Jim Flanigan

There were several powerful speeches given at Donald Trump’s second impeachment trial that opened Tuesday. One of his attorneys, Bruce Castor, did not make one of those powerful speeches.

If I hire an attorney for any reason, there are 2 things I definitely don’t want that attorney to do:

  1. Praise the opposing attorney’s presentation.
  2. Suggest I be arrested and prosecuted.

If you don’t want to listen to all of Castor’s defense, this sums it up pretty well …

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Jim’s Poetry Corner for a Circular Room

~ Jim Flanigan

It’s oppressively cold here for the next week or so. What genius decided that this planet was habitable? Anyway, here’s a bit of poetry for the bitter cold. Feel free to add your own lines to create an even longer and more painful poem to read.

Winter’s grip of ice and cold is more than I can bear

As I rend my clothes in deep despair.

Now I sit shivering in my underwear,

Glad to not be completely bare,

And wishing I had even more body hair.

So I sally forth completely aware

That frostbite may require medical care.

But fear not for my general welfare,

For I awake and find it was just a nightmare.

Wait, no it’s not. It’s the freakin’ Arctic out there.

Bonus Content Alert

If you’re feeling lucky and want to risk extending this post beyond the poem and delve into the depths of Omaha, Nebraska winter weather and one-hit music wonders, then click to read more …

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Mite Be Funny #208 – Giant Multi-Panel Super Bowl Edition

~ Jim Flanigan

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Guaranteed Super Bowl Winners

~ Jim Flanigan

At the beginning of 2020, my home state of Illinois legalized online sports gambling. I thought nothing of that because within no time at all, there were no sports. Thanks, COVID. But then sports started to come back. I still thought nothing of it. I was too busy being poor, thanks again to COVID. But then my oldest son, who always has been a bad influence on me, suggested I start gambling on NFL football. I signed up.

Now here we are, wrapping up the NFL season tomorrow with the Super Bowl, and I will finish the season with winnings of right about $1400. I didn’t just bet football. I’ve also bet baseball, baseketball, hockey, soccer, tennis, golf, and mma, all to a lesser degree. It doesn’t matter what sport I bet. I’m a terrible bettor. A former Chicago Bear football player named Doug Buffone used to say, “Those who gamble live in shambles.” That’s me. I could bet on a coin flip 100 times and get it right maybe 10 times. So, how did I win $1400 in 5 months? Well, I may be terrible at betting, but I’m great at math. Here’s the system …

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My Plan to Lose Weight by Gaining Weight is Working!

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

When we last left our plucky dieter (me!), my diet plan for January & February was for me to gain 2 pounds each month in order to lose weight. You can read and try and make sense of that logic in the complete post HERE, but the gist is that it is inevitable that I will gain weight in the winter, so I need to control my weight gain, unlike in years past when I have inflated like a balloon at a kid’s birthday party by the end of winter.

That is me after most winters. Oh, but not this one. I planned to limit my weight gain which would allow me to start Spring weighing less than a year ago. After only gaining a pound in December, I planned to add 2 pounds each month in January and February. Then I could start March at 9 pounds less than last year. I lost 17 pounds in 2020 before the cold weather hit, so if I could lose just 15 additional pounds this year, I would be very happy at being down 24 total pounds from my peak in early 2020. Whew, I did not realize there would be math required with this post.

So, what did I do to only gain 2 pounds in January? Well, I exercised less. Take a look …

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