Strange Things Afoot

This post is not about the popular Netflix streaming television show. I guess the featured image is a bit misleading. No, it is about the strange things happening with this blog. Views are up. Likes are up, although the bar was set low. I’m adding followers faster than people resigning from the Trump administration. I now count over 500 followers of the blog here, over 100 more who view this crap on Twitter, and I’m even adding followers on Tumblr, which I had forgotten I even had. What’s strange is that content hasn’t changed. It is still mediocre drivel. I don’t trust how this is going. I’m going to keep an eye on all of you. No funny stuff, okay? Leave that to me. You’ve been warned. And BTW, thanks for reading and following.

Word Whore

You’ve all enjoyed suckling at the teat of this blog for free for 5 years now. But let’s be honest … most of this is crap. Free was the right price. Almost 200 weekly Mite Be Funny cartoons? Cartoons about mulch? What’s going to happen to this blog when I won’t have Trump to complain about anymore? You’ll be presented with seemingly endless angry screeds about pointless minutiae in my life like too much lint in my pants pocket. Oh, that galls me. I hate it when it makes little lint balls. See? See where this blog may be headed? And don’t even get me started about socks that don’t stay up and slide down and bunch up in your shoes. That’s the worst.

Or, we could make it interesting. It’s time to put your money where my mouth is and make a tasty deposit. I’m having new business cards made: Jim Flanigan – Word Whore. That’s right, I plan to sell myself. Well, not myself as in my body. That ship has sailed. But I will sell my writings. Check out the Published Works page on this blog. There you can buy my published short story without buying the book, my political potboiler novella from earlier this year, and my new book of short stories about the afterlife (Coming Soon!).

So, take a look at the Published Works page and pony up some of your loose change from between your couch seat cushions to make me a successful Word Whore, Paragraph Prostitute, Story Strumpet, Chronicle Courtesan, or whatever you want to call me. But please do check me out. My words are now available for a cheap roll in the literary hay.

Take a Walk

It was an odd Thanksgiving Day yesterday with 3 of our 5 kids staying remote due to COVID concerns. We did a Zoom meeting with the remote kids, which seemed more normal than I expected. But before that, I took a walk with Lola the dog to the neighborhood creek.

She loved it. I liked it. I would have loved it had she not pooped 3 times on the walk. How is that even possible? It’s not like she was eating along the way. Well, we had a mostly enjoyable walk, minus the ubiquitous pooping, and I was bemused seeing these trees along the way to the creek …

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Testing … 1 … 2 … 3

There are some changes coming to this website, including ways to spend your money. So, we will use this specific post to test this blog’s new ecommerce ability while offering you a useful product that I myself heartily endorse and just so happen to sell.

With talk of a COVID-19 vaccine coming soon, the USA has thrown all caution out the window and COVID cases continue to reach all-time highs almost daily. We’re #1? My family and I are still taking precautions. One of those precautions includes disinfecting our daily mail and groceries. I know, the odds are unlikely of catching COVID from a postcard or a banana. But I like keeping the odds low, so we continue to wipe down our groceries. But we can’t wipe down our mail or each individual grape. So, we use this thingamajig called the Purify O3 that is actually a CPAP sanitizer.

It generates ozone. Ozone is a marvelous disinfectant. I call it an ozonerator, which is not a word. I explain that is disinfects through ozonification, also not a word. The important thing to remember is that ozone is very effective in killing coronaviruses. So, this is what I do with the mail …

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Weekend Milestones – Part 2

If you missed yesterday’s post, I finished writing a book this weekend. No, not a sequel to my Parasitic Twin novella, but a collection of short stories. As I warned I might do, the title has already been changed to “Beyond: Tales of the Afterlife.” But there were other milestones reached this past weekend.

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Short (on quality) Story

I hope to publish another book this summer. No, not a sequel to My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President. You wish! This will be a collection of short stories on a common theme.

I send my stories to my cousin who also happens to be a professional editor. She seems to take great delight in finding and editing my mistakes, and then typically provides some words of encouragement like “this one should definitely be in your book.” She is my mentor. I am her … mentee? manatee? mental?

I’m down to my next-to-last story, and this one didn’t go as I had hoped. I received no edit. I received no encouragement. I did not pass GO or collect $200. Instead, over the course of several emails, my cousin/editor described the story as:

  • Not engaging
  • Boring
  • Preachy
  • Saccharine
  • Unlikable
  • Opposite of uplifting (would that be downlowering?)

Gee, I hope she wasn’t holding back so as not to hurt my feelings. Her guidance and edits have made me a better writer. I absolutely value her opinion. But so far, two other test-readers have liked the story. Hopefully, I will get more feedback from other test-readers this weekend.

Maybe my cousin/editor was too busy with editing projects. Maybe she didn’t even read the 4,000 word story. Maybe she just glanced at this blog to get a general idea about where my writing is today. If that’s the case, I heartily agree with her assessment.

Got Questions? I Have Answers!

Yesterday, I announced that a short story of mine had been accepted for publication. As a bonus, I found out that I get to supply a short bio and answer some questions. Of course, I plan to submit a totally ficticious biography describing me as a left-handed, free-thinking Methodist with a proclivity for public outbursts in pig Latin. Okay, so that last part is true. Oway ymay!

Here are the questions I have been asked to answer …

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Anniversary Frogs

We are coming up on 3 years since I first posted to this blog and started wasting my time and yours. You’re welcome! One of the very first posts featured frogs in my pond. That post was quite unsuccessful (zero likes – be the first while there is still time!), portending many more unsuccessful posts to come. As I fed the pond fish this morning,  I decided to honor this momentous anniversary with another dumb post featuring an unwitting frog accomplice in my backyard pond.

Frog Text

Triple Digit Followers

I have bragged for a long time that my followers were “well into the triple digits.” That was technically true as most of my followers weighed over 100 lbs. However, today I officially have triple digit followers as I have surpassed the 100 mark of actual followers. By the way, do you think there is any correlation between not blogging yesterday and gaining followers? Regardless, no time for introspection when it is time to celebrate. How about a congratulatory handshake?

Macron Trump handshake

Ew, that’s not what I had in mind.

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Trump Ruins Another Blog Post

Ugh, this idiot Trump ruined another one of my childish blog posts scheduled for publication tonight. It wasn’t much of a post. It was just a pic of real Trump tweets in chronological order crying about the Russia investigations, Sally Yates and James Clapper. At the end, I added a fake Trump tweet for comic effect. Here it is …

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Living on the Edge

My WordPress website domain is expiring. No, that’s not the good news. I hate to disappoint you (although I know I do almost every day with each blog post), but I intend to renew http://www.jimflanigan.com and continue writing this nonsense.

As we get closer to the date of my website domain expiring, I keep getting these pop-up notices from WordPress when I am working on my website …

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Mite Not Be Funny

At this point, you may have detected a pattern. Each weekend for the past 4, I have issued a cartoon about mites called “Mite Be Funny.” I am continually asked “Why?” Let’s just say that mite humor is not winning over my fan base. I started “Mite Be Funny” because I viewed the arachnid population as an under-served demographic when it comes to humor. Oh sure, there are plenty of spider jokes like …

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Followers With Regrets

My follower list continues to grow slowly, about as slow as a Republican coming up with an idea to advance social justice. I think if I get 30 more followers to this blog, I qualify for cult status! Yay, and pass the Kool-Aid around the compound.

Two very dear friends of mine just became followers of this blog. I want to make it clear to them and to all my followers that it is OK to have regrets and admit mistakes were made. But please don’t change your mind about following this blog. I am so looking forward to the obvious tax benefits when I can finally register as a cult with the IRS.

Slip Sliding Away

We got some snow and ice here overnight. It was very icy and slippery this morning as I walked my daughter to school. I’ll bet she can’t wait for her high school graduation this May. Anyway, it was very, very slippery out. I’ll bet you are wondering just how icy and slick out it was. Thanks for asking! It was so slippery out that I not only carried my cell phone in case I fell and broke a hip, but I had 2 cell phones with me in case I broke both hips. Thanks for reading and I hope you appreciate that I thought little enough of this blog post to not include a “Read More” link.

 

And My Follower of the Year Is …

Thanks to all my followers for wasting another year of their lives by reading my nonsense. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Despite lackluster writing, Pauly Shore level jokes, and an unhealthy obsession with Donald Trump, I continued to add followers throughout 2016, albeit at a rate slower than a Trump supporter trying to calculate a 15% meal tip without a calculator. I am grateful, yet perplexed. I encourage all followers to seek professional assistance.

In an effort to scare away even more followers, I will once again award a Follower of the Year. This year, the winner will win a lunch with me. The second place finisher will receive 2 lunches, a dinner (appetizers and dessert not included!) and a backrub (no happy ending!). Enough with the fine print; let’s get to the decision.

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Trump rescues bloggers, but at what cost?

The Democratic National Convention got off to a rocky start as Bernie Sanders believers appeared ready to take the Jonestown route rather than endorse Hillary Clinton. But the Democratic convention soon settled into thoughtful, rational, stirring speeches presented by prestigious politicians, everyday people, and A-list celebrities not named Scott Baio. What is a political blogger to write about?

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And My Follower Of The Year Is …

It has been just a few short months since I have started writing & blogging. I’ve had some hits along with plenty of swings & misses. For whatever reason, I have acquired some blog followers along the way. Don’t you have anything better to do like auditing grocery store receipts or weaving dryer lint into yarn? I felt there needed to be some reward for your unwarranted devotion and attention, so I am pleased to introduce the nominees for my first annual Follower of the Year award.

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