Unconventional

Fellow Democrats are descending upon Chicago to formally nominate the Kamala Harris/Tim Walz ticket for the election in November. I hear that additionally, despite his service to our nation, Joe Biden will be ceremoniously put on a Greyhound bus out of town. Democrats can be a tough bunch.

I thought it would be fun and interesting to volunteer for the Democratic National Convention as long as it’s in town. I envisioned myself writing jokes for VP Harris to boisterously laugh at. Maybe make some Tik Tok videos of Tim Walz dispensing life hacks about how best to work the breakfast buffet at his hotel. Or, perhaps being the one to drive President Uncle Joe to the bus depot. And amazingly, I passed the security clearance to volunteer!

As I perused the volunteer opportunities, I gravitated toward these.

As a former adult film star, I thought escorting would be a natural for me. But are the Democrats so randy that they need some escort action while in the airports? Can’t they wait to get to their hotels? Anyway, my wife put a stop to this idea. I looked further.

There are volunteer opportunities all over Chicago from driving convention-goers all over Chicago to various hotels where they will stay. But my preference is to be at the United Center where the actual convention takes place. That’s where the action is. Maybe while I’m there, a deep voice will resonate across the convention floor nominating a virtual unknown low level Democrat from the far western suburbs as an alternate choice for VP. And maybe I’ll then be escorted out to join President Biden on that Greyhound bus ride to nowheresville. I did find an opportunity that would get me in the United Center.

I like food, composting, and recycling. However, I was a bit concerned with the responsibility for “food rescue.” If there is surplus food, I am likely to eat it, and I’ve just recently been shedding some weight. I ruled that job out. This next one also gets me into the United Center.

This basically means I’d be sorting recyclables out of the trash. I’m afraid that it might result in this.

It’s commendable that Dems care so much about the environment, but that’s not for me. If I wanted to completely surround myself with garbage, I would have headed to Milwaukee and volunteered at the Republican National Convention.