Tag: satire

Unconventional

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

Fellow Democrats are descending upon Chicago to formally nominate the Kamala Harris/Tim Walz ticket for the election in November. I hear that additionally, despite his service to our nation, Joe Biden will be ceremoniously put on a Greyhound bus out of town. Democrats can be a tough bunch.

I thought it would be fun and interesting to volunteer for the Democratic National Convention as long as it’s in town. I envisioned myself writing jokes for VP Harris to boisterously laugh at. Maybe make some Tik Tok videos of Tim Walz dispensing life hacks about how best to work the breakfast buffet at his hotel. Or, perhaps being the one to drive President Uncle Joe to the bus depot. And amazingly, I passed the security clearance to volunteer!

As I perused the volunteer opportunities, I gravitated toward these.

As a former adult film star, I thought escorting would be a natural for me. But are the Democrats so randy that they need some escort action while in the airports? Can’t they wait to get to their hotels? Anyway, my wife put a stop to this idea. I looked further.

Continue reading “Unconventional” →

Is Biden’s Decision Bad for US Economy?

~ Jim Flanigan ~ Leave a comment

Politics aside, some say that Joe Biden’s decision to drop out of the presidential race is hurting the economy. You say you want proof? Oh, I have proof for you.

As a fellow small business owner, I can relate. It hurts when you’ve made a product investment and then see the market change drastically. But as a small business owner who has been in that predicament, I can offer this advice …

Continue reading “Is Biden’s Decision Bad for US Economy?” →

Republicans Making Positive Progress – An Essay

~ Jim Flanigan

Democrats don’t like to hear this, but Republicans are evolving and becoming better people. Oh, sure, there are those who will point to Marjorie Taylor Greene, George Santos, and Lauren Boebert as examples of Republicans regressing. Granted, they may be rough around the edges, but what guy can honestly say they wouldn’t want to go to the theater to see a show (and possibly more!) with BoBo? Maybe those three are just outliers, or perhaps more aptly termed outliars. But let me offer this recent Speaker of the House brouhaha as a perfect example of Republicans improving. I’ll explain.

Continue reading “Republicans Making Positive Progress – An Essay” →

The Green Season

~ Jim Flanigan

I thought I was done dodging political fundraising requests for a while. We just finished up local elections this month, and I did financially support local candidates. Just to clarify, by financially supporting candidates, I mean I went to their fundraising events and did not eat or drink an inordinate amount of the free refreshments provided.

But President Uncle Joe announced his bid for a second term yesterday, and look what he texted to my phone shortly after.

Now that’s awfully nice of him to personally text me, but shouldn’t he be focused on more important issues than texting me like Ukraine, high gas prices, inflation, climate change, and if I listen to Tucker Carlson (RIP), his son Hunter’s laptop that is likely full of Hillary’s missing emails? President Uncle Joe went on in his text to ask for money, which I thought was rude. It’s kind of like asking for a gold watch before you start a job. No, wait, it’s nothing like that. I guess anytime anyone asks me for money I think it’s rude. But I did decide to donate these items to the three announced Democrat candidates for president:

Continue reading “The Green Season” →

My Clean Freezer Challenge Diet

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

I’m sure you all fondly remember such harmeless social media challenges as planking, eating Tide pods, dumping buckets of ice over your head, and bleach enemas. Oh, wait. That last one wasn’t a social media challenge but Trump’s suggestion to kill COVID. Disregard that one.

But I have stumbled upon what I think will be the next viral challenge. I’m determined to clean out our freezer, and what better way to do that than to eat my way through all the frozen food? I’m certainly not going to throw out perfectly good, ice-encrusted expired food. While that may be prudent, it is also wasteful.

I found 3 bags of these in the freezer.

Wow, no antibiotics, EVER! That’s great. So, I guess they didn’t slaughter chickens that were under doctor’s care trying to recover from sinus infections. Good to know. I normally don’t eat poultry or red meat, but to save a buck, I find I can set aside my morals with uncomfortable ease when there’s food about to be wasted.

There were 2 patties in each of the 3 bags in the freezer, enough for 1 meal per bag. I dove right in. I used my mountain climbing pickaxe to free the patties from their icy shrouds. After 3 days, the bags were empty and patties devoured. I was soon to be a bit empty myself. Take a look at the expiration dates on each bag.

Continue reading “My Clean Freezer Challenge Diet” →

The Liberal Media Invades Football (satire alert!)

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

I think I finally understand the complaints about the liberal media. It all became perfectly clear as I watched my beloved Chicago Bears dismantle the New England Patriots on Monday Night Football last night. Take a look at who Peyton and Eli Manning had as a guest on their Manningcast.

That’s right. A liberal former Democrat President who had nothing to do with football during his career. How about having a qanonservative former Republican President as a guest who actually owned a professional football team? Here’s the story.

Continue reading “The Liberal Media Invades Football (satire alert!)” →

King for a Day or Sign of the Beast?

~ Jim Flanigan

Famed Harvard attorney Laurence Tribe (@tribelaw) shared on Twitter this email he received from the Trump campaign.

Is a crown a part of the deal? I would so do this if I could get a crown. I would be unstoppable walking around like this …

Continue reading “King for a Day or Sign of the Beast?” →

Copy Me & Risk the Consequences

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 3 Comments

I was shocked when I saw this email message from WordPress I received.

Well, that was unexpected. It turns out that I will be able to purchase half a candy bar at the Dollar Store after all. Could it be that the WordsAd advertising I have enabled on this blog is actually paying off? Let’s take a peek.

Continue reading “Copy Me & Risk the Consequences” →

Oh, Baby!

~ Jim Flanigan

I was cleaning out my personal email, and I literally groaned when I saw this in an email covering some consumer news.

How long do you think it will be before we see this on Faux News?

Continue reading “Oh, Baby!” →

Hero Time … Again.

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

I tried to search in this blog for the last time I recently saved a life, but honestly, this blog is loaded so full to the bursting point with nonsense and BS that I can’t find it. But I do recall it. Or maybe it was saving a life by not killing someone. Regardless, I did find this lifesaving story from almost 4 years ago. Anyway, yesterday, while waiting at O’Hare Airport in Chicago for my 13 year old daughter’s flight to arrive after a school trip to Washington, DC and NYC, I did it again. I saved another life.

As I was killing time before my daughter’s flight arrived, I wandered around racking up the steps. It was at the top of a down escalator when I noticed an older woman struggling a bit to take the escalator down. It looked like she planned to ride the handrail of the escalator down rather than standing on the steps. And that doesn’t normally go well.

Then I realized this woman had missed the steps, and she was hung up straddling the handrail. If you are younger, missing the steps can be okay as demonstrated by this guy.

Continue reading “Hero Time … Again.” →

My Emmy Dreams are Fading Fast

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 2 Comments

I had plans to revive my television career and win an Emmy in 2022, but those plans took a hit this past weekend. Oh, did I bury the lead that I previously had a career in television? I had a supporting role on the game show Shop ’til You Drop. I was on a business trip to California many years ago, went to watch a Shop ’til You Drop taping in Hollywood, and was plucked out from among the rabble in the studio audience to play a supporting role on that episode. I got to wear a colorful clown wig saturated with shampoo that contestants smelled in an effort to guess the brand of shampoo. I wore the wig well, bringing a never before seen regal dignity to the role and fully expected an Emmy nomination for my performance. Sadly, it never came. Probably due to the Irish prejudice rife in Hollywood in those days as evidenced by this Itchy & Scratchy cartoon from that era.

After hanging around the studio’s back alley entrance for a few weeks unsuccessfully waiting to be discovered after my breakout role, I grudgingly left Sin City to return to my career as the Sales & Marketing Manager for a Midwestern temperature sensor manufacturer. Yawn. It was difficult after having tasted the forbidden fruit growing on the seamy underbelly of Hollywood. Oh, wait, scratch that. I forgot, my wife sometimes reads this mess.

Anyhoo, I fully expected that my television career was about to be resurrected this past weekend after seeing this in the local paper.

Continue reading “My Emmy Dreams are Fading Fast” →

Twoday

~ Jim Flanigan

I received a text from my youngest daughter’s school reminding everyone that today is actually twoday. You know, 2-22-22 in the US and 22-2-22 in the rest of the world. I much prefer the symmetry of 22-2-22 and love those even numbers, despite 2 being prime. Thanks, OCD! I will not much like 55-5-55 assuming my kids preserve my brain for reanimation at some point in 2055 and that May has expanded to 55 days by then through an invasion and annexation of part of April.

Anyway, the school is encouraging students to dress with a 2 theme today. You know, 2 socks, 2 shoes, or limiting them to 2 facial piercings & visible tattoos. I think my daughter is planning to wear one of my toupees, or I should say twopees, twoday.

As for me, I have big plans.

Continue reading “Twoday” →

Twice as Bad Edition of … Am I a Bad Guy?

~ Jim Flanigan

The other day, I added air to my wife’s car’s tires using an air compressor that plugs into the car’s 12V power outlet. The use of the compressor plus the cold weather overnight was enough to drain the car’s battery, and my wife was unable to start her car the next morning. After driving her to work, I used a trickle charger on the battery and got it back to full strength.

Yes, I admit I drained the battery. But I do want credit for:

  • Inflating the tires.
  • Driving her to work.
  • Charging her battery.

Am I a bad guy?

And now on to my Spotify dilemma …

Continue reading “Twice as Bad Edition of … Am I a Bad Guy?” →

Another Edition of … Am I a Bad Guy?

~ Jim Flanigan

I have started a new “career” doing market research studies for cash. So far, I have finished a Medicare study that was not only profitable, but provided me useful information. Next week, I am scheduled for some product taste testing. Yum!

As I review and apply for opportunities, I spotted these two.

Now that’s a lot of money. After seeing those, I can’t help but feel jealous of those with lung cancer and hospitalized with COVID. Am I a bad guy?

Top 5 Worst Judges to Replace Justice Breyer on the Supreme Court

~ Jim Flanigan

We all know the Top 3 Worst Judges to be added to the Supreme Court during the Trump Reich. How do we know them? They were appointed by Trump, confirmed by a Republican majority Senate, and are sitting on the Supreme Court today.

Gross. Typing that and seeing him makes me throw up a little in my mouth. The other two are as bad if not worse.

But now, President Uncle Joe gets to replace Justice Breyer. While there are many good candidates from which to choose, keep a watchful and wary eye open in case he goofs and decides to nominate any of these Top 5 Worst Judges to Replace Justice Breyer.

Continue reading “Top 5 Worst Judges to Replace Justice Breyer on the Supreme Court” →

Grave Concerns

~ Jim Flanigan

As an elected local government official, it irks me that every year around Halloween, unauthorized graveyards spring up in people’s yards like this one close to my church.

Then we have to enforce the local laws to get people to take them down. At least I assume that’s how it works. Because I’m a local government official who has been elected, that means I don’t do any of the actual work.

As a public service, allow me to remind you that if you have any dead bodies piling up, it’s best to dump the cadavers in the woods or in a body of water like the rest of us do. Please don’t bury them in the yard of a private residence. That could prove to be a grave mistake. Underground utility lines can often be encountered and damaged unless the grave is very shallow. Can you dig what I’m saying? Or, as an even better option, turn the bodies in to local law enforcement. I know around here, we have a “no questions asked” policy.

Hope you had a good Halloween.

Cancel Culture Canceled

~ Jim Flanigan

I apologize to Cleveland for satirically picking on them, but I am a Chicago White Sox fan.

In this satirical post, I have decided NOT to promote my book of short stories. I don’t want anyone to be confused and think the info about my book is satirical. It’s not. I really did write a book of humorous and contemplative books about the afterlife.

Seriously, if you don’t believe this is real and not just more satire, click this link to buy the book on Amazon for under a buck.

Go ahead, prove it to yourself. I dare you.

~ Jim Flanigan

Isn’t this about the time that Rep. Matt Gaetz decides who he wants to take to the high school prom?

BREAKING NEWS …

~ Jim Flanigan

RNC Chair Ronna McDaniel announced today that the Republican Party has officially changed its name to the RepubliQAnon Party.