Tag: funny

Short (on quality) Story

~ Jim Flanigan

I hope to publish another book this summer. No, not a sequel to My Parasitic Twin Wants to be President. You wish! This will be a collection of short stories on a common theme.

I send my stories to my cousin who also happens to be a professional editor. She seems to take great delight in finding and editing my mistakes, and then typically provides some words of encouragement like “this one should definitely be in your book.” She is my mentor. I am her … mentee? manatee? mental?

I’m down to my next-to-last story, and this one didn’t go as I had hoped. I received no edit. I received no encouragement. I did not pass GO or collect $200. Instead, over the course of several emails, my cousin/editor described the story as:

  • Not engaging
  • Boring
  • Preachy
  • Saccharine
  • Unlikable
  • Opposite of uplifting (would that be downlowering?)

Gee, I hope she wasn’t holding back so as not to hurt my feelings. Her guidance and edits have made me a better writer. I absolutely value her opinion. But so far, two other test-readers have liked the story. Hopefully, I will get more feedback from other test-readers this weekend.

Maybe my cousin/editor was too busy with editing projects. Maybe she didn’t even read the 4,000 word story. Maybe she just glanced at this blog to get a general idea about where my writing is today. If that’s the case, I heartily agree with her assessment.

A Defeated Hero

~ Jim Flanigan

I ventured out early morning today to the grocery store. Every grocery trip is a death-defying experience in the Age of Covid-19. The store I chose used to be open 24/7/365. Now it opens at 8AM per the guard at the north entrance. Yep, that’s what I read on the sign behind him. He told me I could wait in line. It was 6AM. I chose to walk back to my car past the south entrance where I was told by the guard there that I could walk right in. I’m guessing he recognized me from this blog as a major social media influencer. He probably feared that I could shut down their regional chain of 242 stores with one bad review on this blog.

I returned home as a hero, primarily because of this treasure I had plundered from the store …

Continue reading “A Defeated Hero” →

Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back 10Ks

~ Jim Flanigan

I was busy this past Memorial Day weekend. I finished four 10Ks over four consecutive weekend days. No, not 10K (6.2 mile) running races. My running days are over. Steps! 10,000 steps minimum a day for four consecutive days. I noticed on Friday that I just barely broke 10K steps after cutting the front lawn after work. Could I do it for 3 more days? I only had one more lawn. I surprised myself, even topping 16K steps on Saturday.

Walk steps

To my utter amazement, I may have also made a shocking scientific discovery. I lost weight. I’m starting to think there may be some weird connection between exercise and weight loss.

I was unwilling/unable to continue the exercise/weight loss experiment after the weekend. On Tuesday, I decided to take a step back and rest. I’m going to need to be well-rested if you expect me to make the scientific health discovery of a lifetime and win a Nobel Prize.

 

The Three Amigos

~ Jim Flanigan

There are people everywhere appalled at this pic.

3 presidents

Not me. I see a couple obvious common threads. First one:

  • Lincoln freed the slaves.
  • Reagan freed the rich from taxation.
  • Trump freed Republicans from common sense.

But the one that really jumps out at me is …

  • Lincoln was assassinated.
  • Reagan survived an attempted assassination.
  • Trump is trying to assassinate himself through the use of hydroxychloroquine and refusal to wear a mask.

My only advice is … try harder.

Flies On Washington Walls #171 – Memorial Day Special Multi-Panel Edition

~ Jim Flanigan

FOWW #171b Memorial Day

Continue reading “Flies On Washington Walls #171 – Memorial Day Special Multi-Panel Edition” →

Jesus Visits the Second City

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 2 Comments

Chicago is a world-class metropolitan area, despite New York snobs looking down upon us as “The Second City.” I feel privileged to have lived in various suburbs within a short car ride of Chicago my whole life. One of the suburbs I haven’t lived in is Forest Park. It is close to Chicago as you can see here …

Forest Park

Although I have never lived there, it appears that Jesus does. Take a look …

Continue reading “Jesus Visits the Second City” →

Life in the Slow Lane

~ Jim Flanigan

For the first time in 9+ weeks since I injured my right knee, I awoke this morning and felt my knee was finally looking normal again. It had a nice dimple on the inside of my knee where it used to be swollen with fluid. I still get a little pain from time to time, but I think that is a good warning to never run again.

To celebrate the return of my knee dimple, I took an early morning walk without the dog. I could walk at whatever pace I wanted for a change. Little did I know I would be race-walking.

As I headed north on one street, I found myself less than 1/10th of a mile behind a middle-aged woman who was also walking. The race was on. Does it count as a race if the other person doesn’t know they are racing? Little did I know that I was not only racing to finish first, but also to preserve my pride and retain what little dignity I could find.

Continue reading “Life in the Slow Lane” →

Chip In Your Thoughts

~ Jim Flanigan

I do my best to avoid Nestle brand products in protest of their ravaging of western Michigan’s groundwater. Click HERE for details in case you are interested in why you should buy a Hershey’s Krackel bar rather than a Nestle’s Crunch bar, besides the superior Hershey’s favor.

So, when Nestle announced a contest to find the most unique recipe for their semi-sweet chocalate chips, I was unmoved. Someone is going to win a year’s supply of chocolate chips and probably 50 extra pounds of fat in their ass for some weird receipe using chocolate chips in a mole sauce. Ugh, I hate that. This is how to eat chocolate …

chocolate chip eating gif

And if you must eat chocolate chip cookies, buy Chips Ahoy. They taste great and do not use Nestle chocolate chips. But stay away from this version …

Continue reading “Chip In Your Thoughts” →

I Broke Walking

~ Jim Flanigan

Decades ago, I used to run pain-free and measure myself by my mile splits run over long distances. In recent years, I have measured myself by the total distance I ran, biked, walked, and swam. These days, I find myself retired from running, the weather too cold to swim, and my bike badly needing new brakes. And so, I walk.

I hear that you are supposed to walk 10,000 steps a day. I can’t seem to do that. I’m very satisfied when I get in half that amount daily. I have enjoyed seeing how many steps I can take in a day, setting new personal bests from time to time. And then on Saturday, this happened to ruin that forever …

Continue reading “I Broke Walking” →

A Job Fur Her

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

My wife works at a school, and there are big questions as to what school will look like in the fall. Maybe like this classroom in China with kids in masks and with social distancing hats on …

School in China

If there is no in-school classroom, my wife may be out of work. We just don’t know at this time. Taking matters into her own paws, our dog got my wife a job offer today by looking like this …

Continue reading “A Job Fur Her” →

Flies On Washington Walls #169 – Obamagate Explained in a Special Multi-Panel Edition

~ Jim Flanigan

FOWW #169a Obamagate

Continue reading “Flies On Washington Walls #169 – Obamagate Explained in a Special Multi-Panel Edition” →

Not Insane?

~ Jim Flanigan

This Kansas man has been ruled “not insane.”

David_Ostrom

That’s right, he’s not insane despite filing a trial by battle request in an Iowa court to fight a duel with swords with his ex-wife or her attorney to settle a child custody suit and to “rend their souls from their (corporeal) bodies.” Well, what man hasn’t wanted to duel with his ex and especially her attorney? I’ve had dreams of dueling with my ex’s lawyer that go something like this.

duel

In addition to not being insane, he claims his ex-wife and her attorney are the crazy ones. Full story HERE in the Des Moines Register.

But this next guy may want to hold off on the scrubbing.

Insane

Continue reading “Not Insane?” →

~ Jim Flanigan

A huge benefit to wearing a mask in public is that I no longer have to smell other people’s body odor … or mine.

Mite Be Funny #169 – Special Mother’s Day Multi-Panel Edition

~ Jim Flanigan

Mite Be Funny #169a Mother's Day

Continue reading “Mite Be Funny #169 – Special Mother’s Day Multi-Panel Edition” →

So Many Doobies!

~ Jim Flanigan ~ 1 Comment

Doobies are dominating today’s news. First, this happened …

Jet Kills Man

Full story can be read HERE. Sounds crazy, but who reading this can honestly say that they haven’t accidentally wandered onto a runway while a jet is landing?

So, where’s the doobie? That would be Airport spokesman Bryce Dubee who said officials do not believe the man was supposed to be on the runway at the time, but they’re working to confirm that and determine the events leading up to his death.

I know of only one person that should be anywhere close to an airport runway, and that would be the aircraft marshall directing the jets to the gates. You know them by their wands, ear protection, vests, and crazy dance moves.

Aircraft Marshall

Hey Bryce Dubee, stop wasting time and close the investigation now. There is no reason for anyone to be on a runway while a jet is landing.

This next news item was possibly the result of a significant amount of doobies. This California man went under a tanker truck full of wine … at highway speeds … to drink the wine … right from the tank … in his underwear. And best of all, there’s video …

Continue reading “So Many Doobies!” →

Animal Stories

~ Jim Flanigan

Researchers have infiltrated gorilla society using a robot spy gorilla (good name for a band) and discovered it is definitely not high society. They found that gorillas sing while eating. But who cares? The more important discovery is that they also fart non-stop. Head directly to the 1 minute mark for the prolific tooting.

The narrator describes them living in a “semi-permanent state of flatulence.” Coincidentally, I think the name of the latest 3 Doors Down album is “Semi-Permanent State of Flatulence.”

I hope you watched to the end and caught the added bonus at the 1:30 mark when the gorilla eats boogers while farting. Sounds like a Sunday afternoon for me during football season.

Okay, that was fun. Wait, what’s that? Oh, right, the title was plural, promising “stories.” Here you go. It’s a gator story for you from the US South that promises to be tasty and provide a social distancing lesson.

Continue reading “Animal Stories” →