The Jared Allen era as a Chicago Bear ended with a trade to the Carolina Panthers for a 9th round draft choice and a bag of new footballs. It was originally reported that Allen was traded for a 6th round draft choice, but apparently the paperwork was read upside down. When reminded that there are only 7 rounds in the NFL draft, Bears GM Ryan Pace was quick to comment, “I want to emphasize that the footballs are brand new.”
Category: humor
Martian Water Wars
The news from NASA confirming evidence of water on Mars has generated great interest in the State of California. Still reeling from drought and wildfires, California is looking at all alternatives for water resources. A spokesperson for Governor Jerry Brown commented, “Getting the water from Mars to reservoirs in California may seem logistically challenging, but with taxpayers footing the bill, it is worth a look.”
Chicago Bears Considering Forfeit Option
The Chicago Bears management team at Halas Hall is considering options after opening the season at 0-3 and losing their starting quarterback Jay Cutler to injury. A source at Halas Hall indicates that Bears brass is considering whether or not forfeiting the rest of the season will result in a better record than if they continue to play the rest of their scheduled games. “The decision may come after the Oakland Raiders game,” the source explained. “I mean, if we can’t beat the Raiders, why play the rest of the schedule? If we forfeit, we only lose 2-0 according to NFL rules. That may be the best we can hope for this season. We can replay games from the ’85 season on the Jumbotron screens and still pack Soldier Field with drunken fans screaming about Da’ Bears. We can rest, get our guys healthy, take the first pick in the draft, and get ready for next season.” Fans surveyed overwhelmingly endorsed the plan and invariably launched into a discussion about Da’ Coach.
Republicans Plan New Debate Format
With the number of Republican Presidential Primary Candidates not declining as quickly as expected, the Republican National Committee is considering a change in their debate format. The current format of an overloaded main debate among candidates leading in the polls as well as a “kiddie-table” debate among those candidates at the bottom of the polls has proven cumbersome at best. Continue reading “Republicans Plan New Debate Format”
Pope Francis Disappointed in US Visit
As the USA welcomes Pope Francis to the country, word has leaked out that Pope Francis is unhappy with the itinerary provided for his trip. Sources indicate that the Pontiff expressed disappointment that despite being in the States for almost a week, there are no visits scheduled to see the Padres, Angels or Cardinals play baseball.
Bears Make Extra Preparations for Seahawks
The Chicago Bears have their hands full this week with extra preparations prior to playing the Seattle Seahawks this weekend. Bears General Manager Ryan Pace explained, “Coach John Fox is very busy this week preparing a gameplan for our guys to execute against the Seahawks, but our front office is even busier this week. We know the Seahawks are an excellent team, and an angry team after losing to the Packers last Sunday to start the season 0-2. We expect to absorb a few deaths this weekend in the course of the game, so we have front office people busy making preparations to ship bodies back to Chicago. Of course, I am occupied combing the free agent list for potential replacements.” The Vegas over/under line for Chicago Bear deaths at the hands of the Seahawks is currently set at 2.5.
New Xenophobia Study
A new article published in the New England Journal of International Studies revealed that 96% of xenophobes in the USA queried did not know what xenophobia is. Of that 96% that did not know what xenophobia is, 100% didn’t like the sound of it because it sounded too foreign and strange.
Mike Huckabee Suggests Future Cabinet Nominees
Mike Huckabee gave America a glimpse of his future Cabinet if elected President when he suggested anti-gay marriage Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis and her husband as possible nominees for Secretary of Health & Human Services and Secretary of Agriculture, respectively. America responded by doing its best to “unsee” that picture of the future.
Rick Perry Volunteers to Secure Borders in Advance of Papal Visit to USA
After withdrawing from the Republican presidential primary, former Texas Governor Rick Perry discovered that he didn’t have much on his plate anymore except waiting around for the felony charge pending against him to work it’s way through the court system. With a visit from Pope coming up, Perry decided to pitch in to get Texas ready for the Papal visit. The Pope is not scheduled to visit Texas, and Rick Perry aims to keep it that way. He’s lending a hand with inflatable fencing to ring the state with the goal to keep the Pontiff out.
“If the Pope sees the greatness of the state of Texas, he may just choose to settle here … illegally,” Perry suggested. He continued, “I mean, where he lives is full of Italians and he’s Hispanic. Why wouldn’t he choose Texas?”
When asked about the effectiveness of an inflatable fence, Perry replied, “He’s an older man, so these inflatable fences should be a cost-effective way to keep the Pope out, unless he brings his Vatican Guard to help storm the border.” Mr. Perry declined to comment on the likelihood that the Pope would fly into a Texas airport rather than walking or driving the Popemobile across the border.
President Obama Looks Past Presidency with GMC Deal
While not confirmed by the White House, it appears that President Obama is preparing for life after the Presidency by inking a deal with car and truck manufacturer GMC. President Obama recently bypassed Congress and renamed Alaska’s Mount McKinley as Denali prior to his planned trip to Alaska. While visiting Alaska, the President responded to questions about the name change for the highest peak in the USA. “Alaska is a state of unimaginable beauty, like the interior of a GMC Acadia Denali crossover that Michelle and I find to be so comfortable to ride in when we go out for a night on the town. The Alaskan countryside is also rugged and strong, like a GMC Sierra Denali truck that is great for hauling materials for my weekend projects without sacrificing the comfort and luxury that we’ve come to expect from the Denali package. But President McKinley wouldn’t know about any of that, having never visited Alaska or driven any quality GMC vehicle with the premium Denali package.”
Jeb! 2016 Takes On New Look
With the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina in the news, former President George W. Bush has been back in the national spotlight. In an effort to further distance himself from his brother’s presidential failures like Katrina response, Republican Presidential candidate Jeb Bush has rolled out a new campaign logo.
Bush’s original logo has been criticized for not mentioning the Bush family name. Critics have wondered aloud if Jeb Bush is ashamed of the Bush legacy. With his new logo, the Jeb Bush campaign appears to be seeking a level of independence and anonymity heretofore never attempted in a Presidential election.
The Bush campaign rolled out the new logo at a campaign stop in New Hampshire leaving voters a bit puzzled. The new Jeb Bush campaign logo definitely makes it clear that Jeb Bush is his own man, but the question is “which man?” One local at the campaign stop remarked, “There are so many candidates in the election, anyone not named Donald Trump had better have an actual name.” When reached for comment, Donald Trump uncharacteristically could only offer, “?”
Trump Unveils New Plan for Illegal Immigrants to Stay in USA
On the campaign trail today at a Misogynist Club luncheon in Cedar Hills, Iowa, Donald Trump unveiled a radical new plan that will allow illegal immigrants to stay in the USA while also helping keep our border secure.
Continue reading “Trump Unveils New Plan for Illegal Immigrants to Stay in USA”
I Was Duped By a Can of Water
For those that know me, the title of this post will come as no surprise. For those that don’t know me, why don’t you take some time from your “busy” schedule to get to know me. I like movies, going out to eat, mini-golf, and sports. How about you take me out for dinner? Even better, take me and my family out to dinner. On second thought, take my family out for dinner and I’ll stay home and relax. They can tell you all about how wonderful I am. Then again, they’ll do anything for a free meal. Do you think we have money to spend at restaurants with me blogging all the time? Continue reading “I Was Duped By a Can of Water”
Autumn is a “Fall”se Prophet
Sweat shirt & sweater weather! Football & the World Series! Pumpkin pie & apple cider! Halloween & Thanksgiving! Doesn’t autumn sound wonderful?
My Bath Towel Can Save California From Drought
There was an episode on the show “New Girl” during which one of the actors joked about never having to wash his bath towel since it is just wiping away water. I do remember thinking that the actor had a point. After a shower, the body should be clean, so the bath towel, in theory, should be wiping away clean water from a clean body. Well, we all know about the funkification process of bath towels. After two or three uses, the funk has begun it’s stunk. OK, stink, but now it doesn’t rhyme. I hope you’re happy. Continue reading “My Bath Towel Can Save California From Drought”
The Perseid Meteor Shower
With a new moon last night, it was prime viewing for the Perseid Meteor Shower, so I tuned in for almost an hour.
- Q: Why was the moon embarrassed?
- A: It saw the meteor shower.
I have decided not to copyright the above joke, so feel free to use it, especially during Perseid Meteor Shower season. I can assure you that astronomy-related jokes are a huge hit around the water cooler. Don’t get me started on Uranus jokes. Please understand that this does NOT give you written or implied permission to use any of my other six copyright-protected jokes, although I suspect that US copyright laws are flaunted daily on school playgrounds across this country since three of my so-called “copyright-protected” jokes are booger-related. Presidential candidates … talk to me more about copyright protection than immigration and you will get my vote. Continue reading “The Perseid Meteor Shower”
Venus Trump Trap
I am hearing more and more people theorize that Donald Trump is actually a Democratic plant. I find that characterization to be very unfair to plants.
Bernie Sanders says “No” to Hillary becoming a Republican
The policies and positions of Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders are the only things pulling Hillary back to a centrist-enough position that she will not be able to become the 18th candidate in the Republican primary.
Republican Primary Frogs
I have frogs in my pond. I think they are Republican Primary Frogs.
You can see 2 very visibly in the picture, but there are actually 3 more hiding in the reeds! I’m not sure how they got into my pond. I don’t want them in my pond, but they just showed up anyway. The nearest body of water is about a half mile away. It took some effort to get to my pond without an invitation. Yes, they are entertaining at times, but they are also kind of hard to get rid of at the end of the season. I have to drain the pond and haul them away to a place where they can safely overwinter. Even after doing that, the next spring I still pull a dead one or two from the pond that just couldn’t stay away.
On top of all that, how am I sure that they are Republican Primary Frogs? Despite their large numbers, only one is black.
Finally, A Candidate With a Plan for US Troops
Mike Huckabee is trying to distance himself from the other Republican candidates with a specific plan for US Armed Forces and maybe even the FBI. Sure, he may go after ISIS and certainly Iran is on his radar. But there is another enemy …
Jim Flanigan Looks at the World 