Sweat shirt & sweater weather! Football & the World Series! Pumpkin pie & apple cider! Halloween & Thanksgiving! Doesn’t autumn sound wonderful?
It does to many people. But wake up people, autumn is nothing but a “fall”se prophet. Sure, cuddly clothes, interesting sports and seasonally-unique foods and beverages that can be enjoyed at haunted houses or at the annual turkey-gorge are enticing, but they portend the coming of the ominous season we call <visible shiver> winter. Mark my words, one fall day you will be chomping on candy corn and drinking a pumpkin latte while admiring the falling leaves, and the next day you are shoveling your car out of three feet of snow. You’ve been warned.
If you are reading this from a warm climate, you may be asking yourself, “Can the cold weather really be that bad?” The short answer, yes. So why don’t you close your computer or turn off your mobile device and go sunbathe for a while. Now back to that two-faced season looming ahead.
I think that the two names for the pending season, fall and autumn, are indicative of the duplicitous nature of this season. No other season has two names. We don’t call spring, summer or winter by any other name. They are what they are. We know spring is wet, summer is hot, and winter is unbearable. But the two names of fall and autumn belie the duplicity of the season. One warm fall/autumn day may lead into a cool, clear night for a hayride under a harvest moon, but the next day sleet is blowing sideways into your face as you schlep your kids around trick or treating. Do not “fall” for autumn’s siren song. Oops, the pun check app I use has alerted me that I have maxed out on puns using “fall.” I guess I’ll have to “leaf” that alone for the rest of the article.
The seemingly attractive fall events and activities have an alter-ego or dark side.
- Sweat shirt & sweater weather means that there is no incentive to keep weight in check and definitely more laundry to do.
- Football means torn ACL’s and fantasy football disappointment.
- The World Series means no baseball in Chicago. Sorry Cubs fans.
- Falling leaves mean raking and back trouble.
- Pumpkin pie, apple cider, & Halloween candy mean tooth decay and more weight which results in more sweat shirts and sweaters worn which results in more laundry which … you get the idea, autumn is bad.
- I’ve saved the most odious for last. Thanksgiving means spending time with the family.
Maybe autumn is practicing tough love, toughening us up for what lies ahead, three months of being stuck indoors with your family while wearing too many heavy clothes to stay warm and cover that extra twenty pounds. Making us winter-hardened is fine, but please don’t tease us with memories of a summer that was much too short.