There was an episode on the show “New Girl” during which one of the actors joked about never having to wash his bath towel since it is just wiping away water. I do remember thinking that the actor had a point. After a shower, the body should be clean, so the bath towel, in theory, should be wiping away clean water from a clean body. Well, we all know about the funkification process of bath towels. After two or three uses, the funk has begun it’s stunk. OK, stink, but now it doesn’t rhyme. I hope you’re happy.
The “clean body, clean water” theory just doesn’t hold water, so to speak. The bath towel tends to find it’s way into places that it really doesn’t want to go. All bath towels develop the funk, all except this one …
Sure, it looks like any other bath towel, but I can use it for weeks without it ever developing a funk. Now take a closer look …
As you can see, somehow I have acquired the World’s Softest Towel. I’m not sure how that happened. I’m not sure if it is safe to even blog about it. Isn’t there some criminal out there desirous of the World’s Softest Towel rather than the World’s Largest Diamond? I’m not sure how they measure degrees of “softosity,” which I believe is the scientific term. All I know for sure is that I own and use daily the World’s Softest Towel.
That begs the question as to whether or not there is a correlation between the softness and non-funkification. Since I alone own the World’s Softest Towel, I’m guessing that others may not have noticed that there may be a correlation between the softer the towel, the less funky it gets.
At this point, I have not mentioned California or the drought once yet, except in the title. If you are from California and reading this, you are probably upset about that. Is this a bait & switch article, drawing you in with a promised solution to the California drought, but then regaling you with details about my bath towel? Far from it. So get to the point, right? You are probably also a bit upset since I mentioned showering, and Californians have not been legally allowed to shower in months now. Most Californians have resorted to allowing their cats to lick them clean. Patience. I will get to it shortly and all your water woes will disappear.
In the meantime, prepare to be shocked. After spending days in my linen closet researching, I came out of the closet with a big announcement to make. No, not that shocking closet-related announcement. I arrived at these 3 conclusions:
- My linen closet is very small.
- I do NOT own the World’s Softest Towel. We have snugglier and cuddlier towels than this one. Such spurious claims about World’s Softest Towel should not be allowed and I hope some day to be blogging about winning a big court settlement from this clearly false advertising sham.
- The secret is in the channels. I’ll repeat that. The secret is in the channels. I guess I really didn’t need to repeat that, but it helps pad my word count to over 1000.
Take a close look at the picture again. Not that close. What do you think are you, a forensic scientist? That’s better. Now notice how the towel has ridges, thus forming channels that run the length of the towel. None of our other towels have such channels. None of our other towels are funk-proof. When I hang this towel, the channels are vertical. I theorize that my body funk is indeed collected on my formerly “World’s Softest Towel,” but runs down the towel in the channels and off onto our bathroom floor. To confirm my theory, I spent some time smelling our bathroom floor, and it indeed smells funky. What more proof do you need? Case closed!
At this point our California readers are itching to go to yoga class or on a hike. Go ahead. Don’t save your state from catastrophic drought. See if I care. I can still go to Disneyworld once Disneyland closes along with the rest of the state. There’s an Atlantic Ocean that for me is a lot closer than your precious Pacific Ocean.
Before I save California, let’s recap what we now know:
- I do not own the World’s Softest Towel.
- The ridges of my purported World’s Softest Towel have funk-channeling properties that keep it from smelling.
- I am an altruistic sort that is willing to save California despite the fact that most Californians have stopped reading now to go hug a redwood.
So here is my plan to save California. What uses a lot of water? Clothes washing, right? What if Californians took to wearing clothes made in the same way as my bath towel. California can mobilize its top scientists to duplicate my bath towel into wearable clothing, if those scientists can pull themselves away long enough from their research into attaining the perfect high. I know that some of you may be visual learners (aka slow), so this sketch should help your understanding.
The plan is simple. Californians will be legally required to wear these towel clothes that will channel their body funk down onto the ground and require less clothes washing, thereby saving precious water resources, yet still keeping people from smelling funky. Clothes can be worn for days on end without needing to be washed. I have a history of patenting million dollar ideas like this, but I understand that the Nobel Prize committee tends to overlook potential nominees that may have profited off their ideas. So this idea is a freebie to the great state of California that is certainly welcome to nominate me to the Nobel Prize committee. This idea is in Governor Brown’s email inbox, sure to stand out from the crowd of Old Navy sales notifications and erectile dysfunction cure offers. California, you are welcome.