The title of today’s blog post is a saying and a movie from the great comedian W.C. Fields, and I tested that saying the other day. I opened my car door in a parking lot and accidentally lightly tapped the car next to mine. I had the door in my control at all times and could immediately see that zero damage was done to either vehicle. I could also see the other vehicle was a Cadillac Escalade which I stereo-typically view as driven by a criminal, drug dealer or pimp.
Hmmm, maybe point proved. Anyway, the angry owner jumped out of the car, I assumed (hoped?) to sell me drugs or whatever. However, he insisted I damaged his car. Where? There was no mark. I opened the door again close to his car. Nothing there where the two cars had kissed. He pointed to a spot about half an inch away. I insisted that could not be from my door. He insisted I did not understand the laws of physics. Well, he was right about that, but that did not explain why the spot on his car was white and my car is gray. He insisted I provide my insurance card and driver’s license. I refused.
I’m not a small guy, but this guy was big. He made me look small and old. Well, at least the old part was accurate. And he smoked unfiltered Camel cigarettes. I think that means he can rip me in half, but probably not be able to catch me to try.
I resisted. I have a lot of experience resisting the last year and a half. He threatened to call the police. I told him to go ahead. And then he called my bluff and made the call. Gulp.
But I wasn’t bluffing. I wanted the police to show up so I could point him out as the guy who called them out to waste their time. I sat in my car and answered emails. After 5-10 minutes, the other guy came over to say that we could resolve this before the police arrived if only I would give him my insurance info. I told him I was eager to speak to the police. Besides answering emails, I had noticed he had other damage to his car that needed repainting in the general area of our “accident.” If he paid his deductible for our “accident,” then he could get my insurance to pay for the repainting of his whole rear side panel. The scam was clarifying before my eyes. After another 5-10 minutes, I started making calls to local police departments to find out which one was coming out. As he saw me get on my phone, he hustled over to tell me he had to go, so he had canceled the police call that I am convinced he never made. I considered my options. I wanted to teach him a lesson, but I figured it made no sense if I called the police out to waste their time. I waved him dismissively away.
He couldn’t cheat me. You can’t cheat an honest man. That brings me to SCOTUS nominee Brett Kavanaugh. He is insisting that he never sexually assaulted Dr. Ford as ardently as I insisted that I didn’t damage the Camel-smoker’s Caddy. His staunch self-defense makes me wonder if maybe Kavanaugh is an honest man and is telling the truth.
I say we call Kavanaugh’s bluff. Let’s hook him up for a lie detector test like the one Dr. Ford has already passed. Maybe his ardent self-defense is not so much due to his honesty, but maybe more because the State of Maryland has no statute of limitations for felony sexual assault. Kavanaugh could still be criminally charged. Coincidentally, Maryland also has no statue of limitations.
There is more to the saying, “You can’t cheat an honest man.” You can hear the rest right here from the great man’s mouth.
Did he say, “smarten up a Trump?” That may not be possible.