Vote for … Me?

I had to go and open my big mouth at the last Zoom meeting of the St. Charles Township Democrats and ask about whether we were fielding candidates for any St. Charles Township positions in the Spring election. Before I could say “the election is rigged,” I was drafted as a candidate. I figured that there was no way I would actually run since I couldn’t imagine getting the 240 signatures needed to qualify for the ballot. First, global pandemic. Nobody wants to answer their door. Next, it’s cold out. Finally, I’m lazy. As it was, I got about a third. The rest were gotten for me. Gulp. Looks like I’ll be a candidate for St. Charles Township Trustee on April 6, 2021.

I was a bit nervous about revealing my “professional” alias on my Statement of Candidacy below …

I hope my alias doesn’t bring my “business associates” any unwanted scrutiny.

So, now what’s my plan? I first felt the need for a campaign slogan. I like the “chicken in every pot” slogan used during the Herbert Hoover campaign almost 100 years ago. However, I feel it needs some updating. How about this … I promise a chicken in every pot and pot in every chicken. It is legal in Illinois now. Which reminds me, I have a major case of the munchies.

Next, I figure I need a PAC from which I could skim funds. I plan on following the Trump model since those PACs seem to be the griftiest.

Finally, I’ll need to campaign. I planned to do a whistle-stop tour through St. Charles Township like Rough & Ready Teddy Roosevelt used as he ran for President.

But then I realized that no trains run through St. Charles Township. Did you know that Teddy Roosevelt was shot in the chest at a campaign stop in Milwaukee and then delivered an 84 minute speech while bleeding. The bullet was never removed.

That reminds me, I’ll need to get a body double to do the actual campaigning. It’s too cold to go door-to-door asking for votes. Maybe I can get caught up in a scandal to get some free publicity. I may try leaking my name to the local yokel press as having been caught sitting in a tree with St. Charles resident, TV host, film star, and former Playboy Playmate of the Year Jenny McCarthy, K I S S I N G.

No, no, no. Kissing in the tree, not kissing the tree. That’s a good way to get tongue splinters … or so I’ve heard.

Anyway, I will have to campaign somehow. I want the position. I think I can do a good job. I also found out it pays a couple hundred bucks a month. Cigarette & Coke money! Believe it or not, I was unaware of the compensation before committing to run for the position. I would have been happy with the prestige of being called Township Trustee Flanigan rather than Jim.

I’m sure you want to know how you can help get me elected. It’s easy. Write a check to my campaign … Citizens Alliance to Support Him. That’s a lot to write, so just make it out to the acronym … CASH. See you on the campaign trail.